La Vie en Rose

Been away

2010-12-15T02:23:00.006Z

My family and I had been busy attending to family invitation for the past few weeks. Not long after we return from our trip to Penang, we took our eldest, Azhan to a clinic and got him circumcised. We had to stay at my mom's for about a week before we could take Azhan home coz the clinic was close to my mom's. Alhamdulillah, Azhan has fully recovered within a week.

Recently, we went to my Gramp's place to fulfill his wish to gather all his relatives and introduce the new family members to others. Our journey back wasn't actually planned as a couple of days before the weekend, my hubby was busily engaged with his work. I had the assumption that we'd have to turn down my Gramp's wish. So, he was a lil' surprise to find us at his door last Saturday. Since returning from England, I always hope that I could entertain my big family's need as much as I could. Whilst staying farther from them, I learnt that money could never buy the time spend with my big extended family. I also learnt that family must always come first no matter what. Now that I'd returned, I'd like to spend as much time as possible with my only surviving Gramp. (Don't know why every time I speak of him, my eyes would easily fill with tears)

I'd say Gramp's "kenduri" was a success as he managed to gather most of his siblings and their children and grandchildren. He looked so please while he was introducing his grandchildren-in-law; my hubby and Hani's partner, and my "omputih" children. He even told them about his trip with Azhan to see his brother, where Azhan saw a talking bird (wasn't a parrot, just a local one. not sure what it was though). To be honest, I was touched to see my Gramp talked about his grandchildren and great-grandchildren with pride. You could clearly see how happy he was to be surrounded by his big family. My wish is to make my Gramp happy always. I know it hasn't been easy for him after losing his life partner but I bet being around other family members wouldn't only make him feel appreciated, looked up to but also satisfied of knowing that he'd done a fine job at bringing us all up.

I felt good to be around other family members again. I even met with some of whom I haven't seen since I left school. Most of them couldn't recognise me as I'd grown out of my child-like look and become a mother of two boys. Too bad I didn't have my camera with me to capture the moment spent with my extended family. Never mind that, I know for certain that I'll be seeing them again soon at my Tok Su's niece's wedding reception on Boxing Day.

Regret Remorse Sorrow

2010-11-15T17:39:00.016Z

I can't help feeling regret for returning to my own homeland, to be close to my dearest mummy. I regret coming back to the land I love. True, I could see mummy more often than the last four years but what's the point of returning when my family and me are only treated like slaves. My children are often labelled as stupid by a few of their friends at school for thinking ahead of others with their creative mind. How could a-nine-year-old start diminish others with name-calling? Where did they pick up this horrid habit? Could it be from the television, or their parents who maybe more often than not belittle their own child's talent and wise thinking.

Since my sayang started working for his new employer here, he's never failed to return home later than 8pm. Today, he's still at work despite the clock showing 1.50 am. I could understand the logic of him having to stay back a little later at work as he'll be off from work for about a week for the coming Eid. But don't you think it's a little too late. We'll be heading off to my sayang's parents early tomorrow morning. Does it not occur to her that he'd need the rest for our long journey tomorrow? It's not rocket science, is it? (This post was drafted the night before we departed to Penang)

Before I return here, I said to myself that I'll never ever regret our decision of coming back because this is where we belong. But the longer I spend my time here, I can't help but feel regret of coming home. What kind of home is this? Home to me is where one finds peace, happiness and joy. But I haven't felt those feelings since I arrived. Yes, I was happy the moment my big family was reunited somehow though the longer I reside here, the longer I yearn to go back to our simple life back in Bury. Even my boys are starting to miss Bury. I guess this is the price that we have to pay to be closer to our big family. My only hope is that our homeland would grow into a better country for the sake of our future generations.

A new chapter

2010-11-15T03:13:00.002Z

September 3rd 2010, marked a new chapter in my life as a wife. The date signifies that I'd spent a third of my life devoting my love for the man I married ten years ago. Sure, our ride towards the 10th year wasn't always dandy. It was sometimes accompanied by turbulent, thunder and horrifying things but somehow or rather with my partner, Fadz's patience's we made it to that magic number 10. All those horrible experiences were not the only thing we shared, but there were beautiful and joyous moments we'd shared too which made us a strong couple. Knowing that Fadz would always be there for me made our journey pleasurable and the pains more endurable.
I was never a good wife. There were even times when I misbehaved or even forgotten my place and here I'd like to apologise openly if I'd broken your heart, brought misery into your life and led you astray. But, believe me dear Fadz, being with you is the best thing that had ever happen to me. Let us now put the past behind and start a new chapter together.

Change; the time is now

2010-11-02T01:45:00.006Z

12 October was the first day of my boys schooling in Malaysia. They were excited about going back to school after being away from the education institute for nearly four months. Thrilled were they that they woke up as early as 5.30 in the morning.

At quarter to 8, we arrived at their new school. After getting them registered and sending them to their new classrooms, my partner and I drove home before we head back to their school during their recess period to ensure that they'd adjust well to the new environment. The condition of the place where the school children dine really shocked us. I thought to myself, how could the school management let the children dine is such condition. True, from afar the school looks rather brand new and quite clean but when one zooms in and carefully inspects the school especially the canteen, it was quite horrifying. The tables where they put their food were not thoroughly wiped and clean. You could easily spot traces of bird poos, dust and stains on the table top. I'm not surprised if someday one of these kids would come home sick of diarrhoea.

The nightmare was far from over. We then went to observe the food offered for the kids. I have to say I was appalled by the selection of menu. There is nothing nutritious for the kids to opt for. Carbohydrate was the only nutrient contained in all of the food; plain curry noodles with nothing but plain curry, no meat or any other protein source offered here; nasi lemak with a fraction of boiled egg and a slice of cucumber; laksa - well there might be little traces of fish in the gravy, but I doubt they'd cooked it with lots of fish. What about the refreshment? I couldn't find any fruits in the selection let alone hi-cal drinks. Clearly the drinks were just syrup with ice cubes. So, tell me this, what exactly did these kids gain from these selection of food?

I don't mean to gloat or diminish the not-so privileged primary school but shouldn't there be a guideline for food provider at the canteen to adhere to e.g the nutritional ingredients to be included? Back in England, I remember seeing the school dinner menu consisting of all the essential nutrients that children need. In fact, their menu changes on a daily basis. What was served yesterday, wouldn't be served today. That's the way to attract kids to eat good nutritious food, no?

May be it is time for the ministry of education to look into this matter. This is not a political topic but rather an important issue needing urgent solution. How long are we going to jeopardise the well-being of our children for the sake of some political agenda? After all kids are our future leaders. Call me crazy, but I believe that what we feed them today, will determine their future growth and in one way or another influence the fitness of their mind. As goes the saying by Ludwig Feuerbach; (A) Man is what he eats.

Our Bury will always be in Bloom

2010-10-30T00:00:00.005+01:00

Hello my fellow audience. I know, I know (as my boy An would say whenever I kept telling him to do things that he’s aware of), it’s nearly centuries I haven’t posted here. Might I add, my penmanship too is getting rusty due to my abandonment.

Let me start off this entry by some flashing news. The author of ‘Bed of Roses’ is back in town! You read it right! After completing nearly four circles of the beautiful four seasons, we decided to head back to our roots; Malaysia, for good. It was not an easy decision to make especially when the kids have adjusted so well to the weather, culture and language there. Plus, my partner and I were very much localised to the little town in northern Manchester. There was nothing to complain about Bury. Famous for its Best Market in Britain, Bury to us is a diamond in the rough.

To those who love the hectic and busy life in the big city, Bury may be the last place they’d want to be. But for me and my husband who are sick of big city life, Bury is the perfect getaway. I could vividly recall our mundane weekend routine. Every Friday afternoon right after work, (I work half-day on Fridays) I’d walk to the retail park near our place which is about 10 minutes on foot for a retail therapy session. I simply love it there. Nearly all of the well-known British high-street labels are offered here. I’d spend a couple of hours going in and out of every single shop lot before I start walking to Morley Street where my boys were schooled. Most of the times, I’d return empty-handed (well not really; I always bought snacks for my kids) but with a lighter head after indulging the view of beautiful garments.

Saturday is my lie in day. I’d wake up as late into the morning as possible. Never managed to be in bed till afternoon tough cause the boys would be in and out of my room until I got out of bed. Most of the times, all the male in the house would shook me off so we could quickly go to the local library which is about 10 minutes walk from our place. Each of my boys would grab 5 books to bring home. Azhan roots for the non-fiction while Nine enjoy story books. Saturday is also the day I’d treat my hubby and kids to special menu such as nasi beriani, tomato or nasi lemak (don’t laugh. It’s quite special here since you can never find makcik nasi lemak in Bury, ever). Later in the afternoon, we’d stroll down the park right across our place. My kids would usually take their bikes and made a few laps round it before they head for the playground. Sometimes they’d play with their friends from school here. Ah, bliss!

At dawn of Sunday, my hubby would hurry off to help his chairman organise the carboot. His chairman is involved with the local athletic club and carboot is one of the activities they organise to raise fund for the club. My kids and I would later join him to see what they have in store and we’d come home with bags of toys. (I always wonder how some of other people’s junk could be treasure for others. I guess each of us value things differently.) Later in the afternoon when my partner returns home, we’d go out for grocery shopping.

We like to take this route cause it always reminds us of the changing season. Changing seasons never fail to amaze me. It doesn’t take a brainer to think that this is all the Almighty’s doing. I thank God for giving me the chance to witness one of His Greatness for nearly four times. It was an opportunity that I will always cherish and remember for the rest of my life. And I really wish that someday He would give me another chance to see and experience it again.

I'm back

2010-10-29T02:07:00.004+01:00

Hello peeps! The long awaited d_laDy is back to heal your misery. Check out my latest post later this week. See ya!

God, bless these children of mine for I could no longer...

2010-03-29T20:12:00.006+01:00

Death is certain and definite. Every living creature is destined to live and for some unknown period of time will die. I have been taught this since I started schooling. Despite knowing this fact for more than two-third of my life, I still found it hard to accept news of death be it of relatives, friends or acquaintances.

Early this month, I learnt that someone whom I knew from college had passed away after losing her battle to cancer. She was only 30. I found it hard to believe that someone at my age would leave the world so soon. What made it even harder for me to accept was learning that she was married and a mother to three young children. All I could think about when I heard of this was the children’s fate. How would her husband explain to the little ones that their loving mother is no longer there to attain to their needs? I didn’t know her that close, so I could only presume that while she was fighting the decease, she must have at one point talked to her little ones about the uncertain fate awaiting her.

Imagine yourself in her shoes. What would you do when you’re told by your attending doctors of the fatal possibilities in facing this great battle? Would you prepare your loved ones of the worst that might happen? Or would you rather leave in silence? Either way, I bet it’d cause heartache to learn that you’d be leaving behind your loved ones especially the little rascals whom you carried for nine months, and then cared and loved for with your whole heart and never be able to attain to their needs ever again. Even when one is assured that when one dies, one would become the guardian angel looking over the children’s well-being from above; to me this won’t comfort me in any way. It would only make me yearn to hold them in my arms again, caress and sooth them when they are in pain.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I love my children even though there are times when they test my patience with their tantrums. This is the unconditional love that a mother has towards her children. For as long as she lives, she’d put her utmost best to protect and shield them against any evil. But somehow along the line, if I were fated to leave the world while my children are still little, I could only pray that the Almighty will bless them with good health, joy and happiness.

2009 - A review

2009-12-30T23:14:00.002Z

It's time to say good bye yet again to another year. Time seems to slip by without much notice. It passed by so quickly that I'd just realised that I'd spent nearly a third of my life being married to this man who loves me ever so dearly. I was going through the list of posts I'd written ever since I'd set up this blog and had come to realise that the number of posts deteriorated as the blog grew older. I'd been thinking that may be the time has come for this blog to be completely shut down as I no longer have the time to pen down my thoughts. There are so many things running through my head each day as I walk to and fro work and at that moment of time I felt that they should all be put into writings but by the time I had the chance to use the computer, those thoughts had either completely vanished or I'd given a second thought about sharing them with others and decided to bury them in my head instead.
Sometimes I feel I could no longer write as good as I used to. I remember being able to type effortlessly when I first started blogging. May be being in the thirty's category has put me off from expressing myself bluntly without thinking things thoroughly. Is this a sign that I'm getting older? And as one gets and feels older, does it guarantee one to become wiser? I'm not sure if I'm becoming any wiser than I was five years ago, but I'm certain that I'm facing the thirty-something crisis. In less than three weeks I'll be joining the thirty-something club. The more I think of it, the more I feel my dire need of achieving something in my life. I pray and hope that 2010 would be a good turning point in my thirty-plus life.

Friends reunited

2009-12-27T08:26:00.006Z

Last few days, we had a good old friend of ours over for the Xmas break. She is one of our classmates whom we haven't met for 15 years. She now lives with Zurich, Swiss with her beloved hubby. It was good to finally be reunited with old friends. They bring back all those good old memories we once shared. I remember her very well cause I used to sit next to her when I was in Form 2. Thanks to her my written and spoken English has trumendously improved. I could vividly recall how we used to share our dinner during recess. During our festive season, we'd bring over our delicacies to be shared; I'd brought rendang and pulut for her and she'd gave me a box of mooncake. After two years being good mates, we then moved to different schools and went our separate ways. That was how we lost contact of each other. Who would have thought after 15 years of no news whatsoever, we'd bumped into each other on facebook and finally decided to meet up in Manchester. I look forward to paying her a visit sometimes next year. My dearest friend, it was so good to see you again.

It's Christmas

2009-12-21T20:24:00.002Z

This is Nine's first entry for the coming festive season. I'm surprised at the age of 6, Nine could write effortlessly. Here's what Nine has written:

http://papan9.blogspot.com/2009/12/its-christmas.html

Thank you, all

2009-11-24T23:48:00.004Z

Saturday 21st November, has been marked on our calendar as the most historical date of the year. This is the day when two of Papa's artwork together with his fellow artist friends is exhibited to the public of our local township. It also marked Papa's first participation in art event held outside of Malaysia. To some, the event and number of artwork featured may be small in size, but it meant a lot to Papa, me, Azhan and Nine as this is Papa's first baby step towards embarking the world of art.
I'm touched by the support shown by our Malaysian acquaintances here. The fact that they were willing to spend some of their valueable weekend hours with us at the gallery is highly appreciated. I feel indebted to their support. May God bless you all, always

I'm giving up

2009-11-09T20:03:00.005Z

In the last month I have been actively hunting for work back home. The sudden urgency of wanting to secure a job back home is mainly due to my Mom's health. Ever since my sister told me about Mom's current condition, I feel desperately in need of returning home to tend to my loving mother. Guilt and terrified kept haunting me lately as the word of death is uttered more frequently by my mom. And each time she raises this, I'd hush her and convince her that she'll soon be fine as long as she sticks to the doctor's advice.

This kind of situation sometimes makes me regret of forcing my darling hubby into moving to England. Back then, I thought England would promise a brighter future for us. Wonderful memories of others who'd previously lived in England blinded me into thinking that this island is the best place for us to be. What a dream!

The online job hunting site tells me that all my job applications have been turned down and my CV is apparently being kept for future reference. And I don't how soon that future is. It's quite frustrating that all the efforts put into polishing and updating the CV didn't bear any fruit of success. This frustration is leading me back to my dormant status. To add insult to injury, current working situation gets worse as my colleague starts to dump her work load onto my lap. I empathise her being underpaid and overworked but she should understand that we are in the same boat. My status is no better than hers.

These negative vibes at work and emotional turbulences sometimes really exhaust my inner self. They wear me out that I feel may be I should just give up, leave everything be and let God's fate decides what's best for me.

People matter

2009-10-25T11:35:00.014Z

I haven't been sewing lately but I'm not slacking either. For the past few weeks, my head have been buried in swamps of books just like my old days back in varsity. There are three main areas that I'm reading on; management, fashion styling, and career development. One book that really strikes my interest is a book called, "Everything I need to know about being a manager, I learned from my kids". As a management graduate blessed with two children, I could easily relate to every story featuring his three young sons. But the most appalling of all I've learnt that every single management don'ts told in this book is by and large put to practice at the organisation I'm working for. Sitting at the bottom level of a hierarchy, has given me the opportunity to observe every single mistake made by the company's top gun.
Watching some of the most educated and experienced people in the business make mistake amazes me sometimes. I guess all those years they'd spent in their own room with a panel window, have somehow made them forgot about the importance of every little person who in the least way have contributed towards the success of the organisation. I'm sure sometimes in their varsity years, they'd been taught that managing a business is really about managing people, and within any organisation the people matter most. Sure, maintaining company's profitability is the utmost importance of all but like it or not every manager must realise that the people are the ones who helped move the company one step towards its ultimate target.

I don't despise the management for treating us as if we're all dispensable but I'm sad that an organisation that boasts on being the nation's pride, is in minimal communication with its people. These silly unnoticeable mistakes mounted up to my patience wearing thinner with every working day that passes by. This unconventional finding however reminded me of the importance of people that were frequently highlighted by my post grad lecturers. I just hope someday I would finally land a managerial post and would be one who looks and treats everyone like VIP regardless of their background.

Why do you want a career as a Retail Manager in the fashion industry

2009-10-01T22:54:00.004+01:00

If you were asked the above question at an interview, how would you answer it? I'm in the midst of attempting to draft my answer for the above question. To be honest, I'm having great difficulty in expressing my thoughts on the above. It's not easy claiming to be passionate about something but could hardly describe it in words. Should I begin with how I reacted towards clothes and fashion since I was little and how obsessive I've become ever since? Or should I address the question technically? Leaving job hunting dormant for a couple of years made me realise how formalistic and boring I sound in writing official matters. How do you inject a little taste of your personality into something formal?

Gramp, I love you!

2009-09-26T12:07:00.020+01:00

This festive season suddenly reminds me of my poor Gramp back home. Since the passing of my beloved Naan 10 years ago he hasn't remarried and has been living with my uncle. We went up north to visit him during our April holiday back home. I was rather taken aback to see how old he looks. It made me sad seeing his droopy eyes, a sign of loneliness I guess. Through out my adolesence, Gramp is the only grandad I've ever known. You see, my paternal grandad passed away when I was only 2, leaving me with my mom's dad to pass on his wisdom. I was never his favourite grandchild but somehow I grew close to him. I guess my being my late Naan's favourite helped me become close to him. Wherever Naan went, I'd sure tag along and where Naan was, Gramp was always by her side. When Naan died, Gramp was devastated especially learning that she took her last breath in my aunt's arm and not his. The first few years after Naan's passing, Gramp was always in tears everytime he visited her grave.

It's saddening to watch Gramp lives his golden ages without his soulmate. It's more dreadful to learn that he's yearning for the day he'd join his beloved wife. I remember my Mak Long telling me how Gramp requested for Mak Long's husband whom I called Ayah to manage Gramp's funeral. Who'd ever thought that my Ayah would be knocked down by a car, fell into coma for a couple of months and left us without any last word. A couple of years before Ayah's fatal accident, one of Gramp's sons, my Pak Jang passed away after a severe asthma attack. It must have been hard for any father to see his very own son being buried. These sudden deaths in the family must have taken its toll on Gramp.

Lately, I've been thinking of writing to Gramp. I want him to know what he means to me and how grateful I am to be blessed with a grandad like him. I want to thank him for helping me went through my adolescene and telling me his wise words about life. I really want him to learn this before he finally joins my late Naan. Not that I'm wishing for him to die, but at least he'd know that his existence has always meant something to us, his predecessors.

We shared some fond memories, me and Gramp. I could vividly recall those years when I was little, how he had to take me with him and Naan when they went to their farm or even grocery shop. I remember riding his green Vespa and how I'd usually be standing in front of him and holding onto the handle. It was great fun riding with him and Naan. If I could remember correctly there was one time when Gramp took Naan and me to Jitra (about half hour ride from their home). It was raining quite heavily on our way home, Gramp's hands were shaking as we were all drenched from the rain. Soon after, Gramp complaint to Naan that his arms and hands had cramps. Naan then quickly put her hands onto his and gently rub her hands to warm him up hence soothed the pain. Seeing Naan did this, I followed through. As soon as we got home, Naan put Gramp to sleep after having him bathed and taken his medication. That was how affectionate their love was.

I may never fully understand Gramp's loneliness but I bet it must have been hard for one to lose the other half and live one's life alone. True enough that his children and grandchildren could look after him and attend to his needs but I don't think their love would be as affectionate as his other half.

Mood raye

2009-09-14T07:05:00.001+01:00

As mentioned in my previous post, tahun ni merupakan tahun ke3 berturut-turut kami berpuasa and beraya dekat negara orang. Honestly, memang tak seronok langsung la sambut raya kat sini maklumla udah le jauh dari mak abah dan keluarga, suasana raya pon tak ade. Even though I'm not as excited as I used to be when I was a kid, rasa ralat la jugak sebab anak-anak tak dapat rasa kemeriahan beraya kat kampung with our big extended family. Sebelum kami berhijrah ke sini, memang la bebudak ni pernah dibawak beraya kat kampung tapi mase tu dorg kecik-kecik lagi. Bukannya faham pon raya tu ape. But as they grow bigger, I'd really much want them to understand the special meaning of Ramadhan and Eid celebration to many of us back home. Especially now that Azhan has started fasting more consistently, I want him to learn the joy that other children back home feel during Iftar and soon to be Eid.

There's a bright sight to this mischief though; I don't have to worry about my children risking their fingers or hand whilst lighting up 'mercun' or 'meriam buluh buatan sendiri'. I don't normally follow the accident caused by 'mercun' statistics for the past two years but I assume with 'mercun' banned from being sold at pasar malam the statistics would have dropped now. Cumenye, when I come to think of it, bebudak ni tak dapat merasa keseronokan helping my uncles lighting up the pelita and bermain bunga api. Kalaulah boleh balik ke zaman kanak-kanak, nak aje aku pergi ke malam sebelum raya kat rumah lama arwah Tok dan Wan. Lepas pasang pelita, pakcik akan bagi kami bunga api. Mercun pulak aku dan sepupu-sepapat cume boleh bakar under pakcik's supervision. Cakap pasal kampong, teringat arwah Tok. Duit raya aku selalu dapat lebih dari cucu lain; cucu kesayangan la katakan. Rasa rindu nak peluk dan cium Tok macam dulu, nak makan ketupat palas pulut hitam Tok, gulai daging special dia, tapi Tuhan lebih sayangkan Tok (al-fatihah untuk Tok yang sudah 10 tahun meninggalkan Wan, anak-anak dan cucu-cucunya).

Another thing that I like about celebrating Eid abroad is not having to buy new 'baju raya' for either my kids, my hubby or myself. I could vividly recall back then when I used to make such a big fuss over not having new 'baju raya'. Sebetulnya baju raya tu bukannya penting sangat pon, boleh dibilang dengan jari berapa kali jer aku pakai kebaya sulam tu. In fact to this very day, baju tu masih nampak baru. Here's something that I as a woman don't quite understand, why is it so important for some to have more than 1 baju raye? My aunt is a dress-maker and she used to tell me that Ramadhan is her busiest time of the year due to the huge volume of baju kurungs she has to make. I remember suggesting her to turn away some of her customers tapi kata dia orang yang menempahnya tak ramai tapi setiap seorang tu tempah lebih dari sepasang. Bila difikir-fikirkan balik logik la dorang tempah banyak sebab kebanyakan depa prefer (ada yang terpaksa) pakai baju kurung ke tempat kerja.

Unlike last year, semangat raya kali ni kurang sikit due to the current economic weather. Bilangan kenalan kat sini pon dah berkurangan sejak ramai terpaksa balik for good. Truth to tell, I'm more worried about my career prospect than anything. Raya this year to me is just another bank holiday marked on the calendar.

Work really really sucks!

2009-09-08T12:32:00.004+01:00

Don’t you just hate it when the works you did go unrecognised and unappreciated by your super-superiors? The works of little people like me with not so important job title more often than not weren’t credited for its worthy. I hate being among the little people. All the hard-work I’d put in go unnoticed let alone properly rewarded. Sometimes I feel as though I’m invincible and my existence is worthless to the organisation. I’ve been haunted by this emotion since early this year when I was forced to take on the responsibilities that my previous superior left after being made redundant. Despite the bigger liability, neither have I been fairly compensated nor recognised for contributing towards seamless company operation.

The current working ambience is made worse when a colleague in our department has been ill since April this year yet no replacement has been arranged during her long absence. I’m taken aback to learn that the management is taking her absence lightly simply because she's one of us, the little people. With no replacement, my other colleague and I have to take on her work to keep the department running as per usual. What did we get in return for this? Pay rise; dream on! Not even a single note of thank you came from our super-superior let alone giving us a raise.

Happy 9th Anniversary, Love

2009-09-03T12:49:00.002+01:00

3rd September '09 marks our 9th year of togetherness. Fadz and I have been through thick and thin as life partners. I should be thanking him for being kind and patience with me despite my horrible tantrums and nasty, foul mouth. But most of all, I should be thankful to wed a wonderful man who accepts me the way I am inside and out.

p/s: My darling Fadz, please forgive me if I'd mis-treatred you whilst being your wedded partner.

re-fashion for lil' girls

2009-08-24T12:48:00.004+01:00

I’ve been keeping myself occupied these past few days with sewing garments for my adorable little nieces. Fadz and I both have younger sisters with two daughters each; making a total of four nieces whom we could cherish and shower with lovely dressy girly stuff as we don’t have daughters of our own. Due to this, I’d usually hunt down girls’ clothes for sales at our local carboot sales so I could have a rough idea on the size of little girls. My aim is to complete at least four sets of outfits, one for each of the girls before the end of Ramadhan and post them home so they could all dressed up for the Eid. At the moment, I've finished sewing a skirt, long-sleeves T, a night dress and sun dress. Here are snippets of the completed ones.

Another summery skirt

2009-08-24T12:45:00.007+01:00

Before this year’s summer come to an end, I should showcase this summery skirt I made sometimes in June. It’s actually my first completed sewing project and also my first time refashioning a piece from my wardrobe. It was initially pyjama trousers. I decided to breathe new life into it when I found the material very itchy and scratchy when worn. The silvery glittering thread woven onto the fabric convinced me more that it’d look better in the form of skirt than pants.

Due to the nature of its initial cut, I had to patch the fabric to fill up the length and width needed for a skirt. This was the tricky part, making sure that the pattern on each patch flows seamlessly from one to another. As you can see the shape of the skirt is somewhat assymetrical, a form inspired by a designer's skirt on display at our local fashion outlet. I intentially left the hem undone cause I wanted to create the fringe effect around the edges of the skirt. Despite my satisfaction of how well the skirt turned, I must confess I was at first a little worried of wearing to work and in public.
On the following day, I told my colleague that I'd just finished sewing my very first garment. She somehow managed to talk me into wearing it to work. She quite liked it and her positive reaction boost my confidence in sewing thus, I no longer have the fear of wearing garments that I made to work.

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan

2009-08-20T12:47:00.003+01:00

Tahun ini merupakan tahun ketiga aku berpuasa di perantauan. Tiap kali mengenangkan juadah berpuasa istemewa yang Mak hidangkan, hati pasti rasa sedikit pilu.

Summer skirt

2009-08-07T15:15:00.000+01:00

Lately I've been on the look out for a new skirt for this hot flaming summer. I already have a picture of the skirt that I want in my mind. With the sewing machine available at hand, the thought of buying a new one never appeal to me. Instead, I kept thinking of sewing one with my own unique design applied to it. My hunt for some fabrics begun at the nearby car boot sales. I first came across a white beautifully embroidered table cloth. I thought to myself, "Wow, this fabric is perfect as a summer skirt". Other than some patches of stain, the table cloth was in good condition. Overwhelmed by my anxiety for a new summer skirt, I quickly put some bleach to get rid of the stain. I did the silliest thing while washing the cloth, I put in some coloured garments together with the bleached cloth. When the machine was done, I was devastated to find that the colours have run into the cloth. Hence, this project had to be delayed because the material's been ruined.

I was yet again on material hunt at the carboot sales. This time around, I found floral printed white dress which the flower I thought is of similar colour to the table cloth. As soon as I got home, I took out the dress and put the table cloth (I'd alreay cut off the embroidered part) over the dress to see if they look seamless together. The two are of different fabric, one a linen and the other polyester. I then decided these two could not go together.
The following week I came across a tiny white linen tiered skirt. I was more than convinced that I'd finally found the winner. I quickly knew then what to do with them all. At first, I took off the top tier and sewed crochet from the table cloth onto it. I then resewed the tiered back on, and finally the embroidered piece as the last tier. A week after, I decided to restyle the printed white dress into a shirred baby-doll dress. Note: This entry was drafted sometimes in June. Only after wearing these completed projects for a couple of times did I finally manage to snap pictures of them and post them here.

My craving

2009-07-31T16:30:00.004+01:00

I felt offended the other day when my other half complaint what a slacker I’ve become and how zero action I’d taken to overcome my laziness. So last night and a few days ago, I thought that I’d prove him wrong by taking on one sewing project. It didn’t take long before the slacker in me conquered my sensibleness especially learning how complicated the project was.Finding myself bored, I decided to bake a chocolate cake. It’s been a while since the last time I baked one. Eventhough my hubby and I haven’t had a daughter, my little rascals are always more than willing to lend a hand when it comes to baking. After half an hour of mixing and stirring plus another one hour of waiting for it to bake, it was ready to be indulged.

a slacker

2009-07-18T19:34:00.006+01:00

I must confess that I've been such a slacker for the past couple of weeks. I haven't done any sewing or update this blog with any recent posts for that matter. I've been doing nothing but indulging myself by watching a lot of movies. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. One minute I'm worried sick about my career progress but by the next minute my eyes would be hooked onto the telly screen watching one programme after another. Even if there's nothing good to watch, I'd find some oldies from my collection to keep me occupy. I think I'm yet on the verge of a break down.
Do you ever get that feeling when you want to move forward but current circumstance doesnt permit the chance to do so? Well, that's exactly how I feel at this very moment. It feels as though there are so many things that I want to do and my head is bursting with ideas unfortunately there's no platform for me to realise any of them. Argh!

Craft for the lil' ones

2009-07-04T19:23:00.016+01:00

Last night I decided to sew something other than garment. Since day 1 of having my own sewing machine at home, I've been sewing nothing but my own garments. As I was flipping through the pages of my Reader's Digest sewing guide, I came upon a page on sewing projects for friends and family. My eyes were drawn to a simple shoulder bag shown and I remembered how my Nine has been begging for similar bag. I happen to keep one of Nine's jeans when he was smaller. Previously I thought of refashioning it into a skirt for my niece but after reading the guide to making the shoulder bag, I decided the jeans is perfect material for Nine's shoulder bag.

The guide said I'll need to cut four 12x14 cm rectangles but when I take this measurement against my little boy's body, I thought it'd be too big for him. After removing all seams, I then cut the jeans into A4 paper size. As I sewed two of the four rectangles, it struck me that the bag is going to be thick and chunky. Instead of using all four rectangles to make a bag, I used all four to sew two bags. One for little Nine and the other for my eldest, Azhan. It took me less than a day to sew them all as I skipped all the detailing of the bags. I know that the bag is very superb in design and very simple indeed but my Nine really loves the bag that he straight away uses it as soon as I sewed the last seam.

My Little Black and Grey Dress

2009-06-26T13:58:00.024+01:00

In the last couple of posts, I've been boasting about my new found pastime yet not once have I uploaded snapshots of the finished projects. Well in this post I'll be featuring my first garment making project. It's not really garment making cause the material used was originally a skirt I got from my BFF who lost 20 kgs and could no longer fit it. What made me hooked on to the skirt is the material and simple embroidery sewn on it. Because of my teeny size, I couldn't straight away put it on. I'd have to alter it so I could fit the skirt. It struck me then that to alter such beautiful fabric would mean cutting off a lot of it and the ones cut off would be of no use later. I then decided that maybe the best way to go about it, is refashioning it from a skirt to a short dress.

Before the sewing commenced, I'd never thought of the obstacles and challenges that I'd come across. Quite honestly I've always thought that garment making is easy cause I used to watch my aunt sew garments effortlessly. Thus, convincing me that sewing is easy and straight forward and everybody could sew given time to try a little bit of sewing. This project proves me wrong. Sewing I think is a skill that you develop overtime and demands a lot of patience.

It took me a good four months to finally complete this simple dress. It's such a long period ain't it to sew a dress? The long period is due to me putting off the project and moving on to work with other simple material like cotton and linen. There's nobody to blame other than myself. As a beginner I shouldn't have opted for this velvety fabric for it easily frayed no matter what you do to make it stay. There was a point when I nearly gave up working on it because of the countless re-sewing, re-cutting, re-seaming that had to been done. I only resume working on this dress a month ago when I realise that this beautiful fabric deserves better treatment than abandonment.

Mood swing

2009-06-12T15:58:00.008+01:00

Recently I've been feeling down at work I think mainly because the thrill and excitement I used to feel is starting to wear off. I've recognised my working pattern. Every time I'm assigned a new task, I'd be very excited upon the thought of gaining new skill and knowledge at work. I'm always thrilled with the challenges that this new task would bring with it. After months of doing the same thing, and I know exactly what to expect or anticipate the cause of such outcome, I no longer find the job adventurous and in need of something new to excite me again.

Another contributing factor to my current misery is last Thursday's incident. The company that I work for had just opened up a new branch in the States and its operation is very much similar to the Head Office. Thus, the staff will be using the same system that we use here and they need to be trained and familiarised with it. As one of the account assistant explained all the different funtions available on the system, our Financial Controller then further added about the office's future plan for one of my colleague's career there. As soon as I heard this, I felt very demotivated to work anymore knowing the fact that they don't see me in their future plan. It hurts even more when I know that my colleague is less competent than me. I think they're oblivious of my true potential simply because I'm not a native speaker.

With the new company structure introduced early this year, I was moved to the Finance department due to my work nature that is seen as more finance-related. When I first moved there I was optimist that this is the move that'll guarantee a better career prospect. But the longer I spend time in Finance, the more I realise I don't belong in the department. Not because I'm incompetent or incapable of doing finance work but I just can't see where myself sit within the company structure anymore. I'm neither a retail team nor am I a finance staff. In simple word, I don't feel welcome in the company anymore.

I just don't understand why wouldn't they realise the importance of my role. If it wasn't for me, who would ensure the smooth flow of the system used by our retail shop, or monitor stock inventory, or help the shop out when the system freezes? My observation tells me that many of the staff there are not very computer literate. Even a spreadsheet with simple formula used would freak them out what more of complicated ones with formulas and functions that are rarely used. I'm proud to say that as an IT-graduate I know all Office applications like the back of my hand and not afraid of using new applications.

The other day I really felt like going up to my superior and express my dissatisfaction and my need of new assignment. I guess this urge for new thrilling and adventurous task is due to the fact that I'm no longer a twenty-odd employee. I've hit the THREE-O and I need to thrive and give my all out right now so that I'll be able to achieve my personal target within the next five years. My heart is bursting with frustation and grieve over my current employment that doesn't seem promising at the minute. These frustrations sometimes lead me to regret our move here. But when my better judgment is not clouded with grieve and sadness, I'm convinced that this move would guarantee a better placement when we return home for good as the employment experience here would work to my advantage. I could only pray to the Al-Mighty that my hopeful thinking would be blessed and granted someday.

Sewing away

2009-06-08T21:00:00.001+01:00

Whoa! Will you just look at all these dust lying around this site? The owner must have forgotten about its existence altogether or simply not bothered to do some house-keeping for this blog. Yes, I know I’m wrong. And I also realise that it’s been ages since I last posted an update on this blog and I have absolutely no solid reason to uphold my innocence. I’m guilty as charged for abandoning this very dear journal of mine. To be quite honest, I no longer feel the same urgency as I used to when I first started blogging. I think I might be among the few who followed the big herd of blogging bubble but slowly drifted away from the herd as they become entangled with other things which urgently demand more attention in their daily routine.

Ever since I took over my superior's role as the lass who ensures the smooth running of the EPOS system, my mind's been loaded with boring work stuff that I needed to bring in something new to my rather mundane boring routine. That was when I persuaded my darling Fadz to present me with something that I’ve always wanted to have; a sewing machine. For as long as I can remember, I’d always had my eyes fixed on the physique, capability and functionality of a sewing machine. I was always amazed with the beautiful dresses and clothes that could be produced by this simple somewhat ancient gadget. I remember admiring every step that my mom and my aunt took in making a dress. I'd always wish to have one of this super machine so I could make my own one-off unique dresses as they're product of my own design and imagination.

Thus, for the last few months my new love sewing machine has enticed me from this humble blog of mine. In fact, my pastime is now occupied with working on sewing projects that I've long kept at the back of my mind. Some of you may wonder if I'm thinking of becoming a tailor or seamstress; no nothing like that. Let's just say that I've found a new hobby which not only fulfills the little girl's in me has been dreaming of doing but also satisfies my crave for new clothes. I enjoy every minute spend working on my new love despite the glitches and hiccups along the completion of any project. I must say though, things are easier said than done. There were a lot of things that I used to think would be easy to handle but not as easy as it may seem.

Take my first dress project, it took me months to finish it simply because I got fed up with the difficulty that I had to put up with. As frustration (and a lot of mistakes) filled up my head, I decided to put the project aside and work on other less complicated project with the hope of brushing up my new found skill and building up my confident. Upon the completion of my second project (after months of keeping the fabric in the drawer untouched) I thought I'm ready to re-visit my first project. And true to my instinct, I'd not only brushed up my skill but also gained more confident than the first day the project commenced.

You may wonder what's the hidden agenda beneath this long rambling? Is it just my way of sharing my personal experience and point of view on my new pastime? In part, yes, this is me sharing my new hobby but partially the difficulty and complication faced I think could be applied in project management. I know the volume of work involved could never match against big project which are by far more complicated and twisted in nature. But to me one of the vital things in project management is being resourceful in all aspects; manpower's knowledge & skill, materials' constraints and advantages, feasible timeline, and contigency plan. For those of you who are familiar with project management, you'll most likely be of the opinion that I'm rambling based on my personal view and not factual proven. Yes, you're right. This writing is supported simply by my own very little experience and limited knowledge. But then again, to me this little experience I gained has taught me that even though the work may seem simple, research and study still need to be completed to prep us up for any mischief along the project completion.

Adieu, Mummy!

2009-03-20T13:59:00.009Z

How would you feel when you were woken up in the middle of the night by a telephone call only to be told that the woman who gave birth to you ages ago passed away? I bet most of you will be devastated, emotionally overwhelmed by this news and the only thing that you'd want to simply drop your mundane daily routine, and quickly dash off to bid adieu to this woman whom you dearly love; whom you refer to as Mama, or Ibu, or Mummy, or Mak or Umi.

I reckon your only thought is to be by her death bed in the soonest time so that you can have one last look at that motherly face of hers before it's sealed eternally under the coffin. The only problem now is you can't afford to reach the place immediately. You live miles and miles away from her and it'd take hours to finally get there. Your journey would suddenly seem longer than it used to. The knot of guilt and regret for letting your busy work life lead the way, leaving you very little time to spare with her might start to tighten up in your gut feeling.

Every mile of the way would be filled with moments spent with her; the good and the bad ones. You'd even wish that the clock would for once stop ticking and unwind to 24 hours earlier so you could be by her side and hear her last words of advise. But it's all too little too late now. She left when you least expected it. She was strong as a horse when you last saw her which is by the way nearly 12 months ago. You could weep as much as want, but every drop of the tears your shed would never bring her soul back into the body which you once shared for nine months. All you see before your very eyes is the lovely woman who'd sacrificed half her life to give you life, lying stiff in her bed like a stone.

Ever since I started living and working abroad, these thoughts would sometime linger at the back of my mind. And every time I ring home and I hear the voice of the woman I love so dearly, these thoughts would fade away. Recently though I begun to worry again when my colleague was shaken with the sudden death of her mother. Another colleague told us how they'd only been talking about her mother just a day before and how she wish she could afford to visit her mother who lives abroad more often. How would you feel if you'd just thought of visiting her tomorrow but she's no longer there today? The only thing one can do at this moment is pray, "Dear God, please take good care of this woman whom I love so much for she's my only mother" (sob).

I'm a hopper. Let me hop!

2009-01-16T16:39:00.005Z

As the system progresses with time, the frequent glitches and hick-ups which occurred during the initial stage of system usage have now resided. And I in turn found myself less and less occupied at work. Through out my employment I tend to feel restless and bored every time the work load begins to be slowly lifted off my shoulder and I’m left to wander on my own. Personally I always think that the symptoms point only to one remedy; hunting down for a new job. Ever since I completed my undergraduate studies, I’d been a faithful job-hopper whose hopping pattern could clearly be seen in my resume. Somehow or rather I just couldn’t seem to stay put at a single work place for more than 18 months, and that’s the longest period of time I could hang on to an employer. My current employment is about to hit that magic number 18 and the tingling sensation of hunting for a new work elsewhere is getting stronger every day.

I’m amazed with those people who could stay loyal to a single employer for such a long time. Take my life partner, Fadz for instance. He’s been working with his current employer since 2006 and he hasn’t thought of finding a new place despite his nearly three-year’s stay. I couldn’t understand why I can’t show my loyalty to a particular employer. Like I’ve said whenever the excitement and adventure of the position started to wear off or I’m less regularly put on the alert radar, the urge of shifting to a new place would constantly linger in my mind. But in the current economic weather, I had no choice but to be patient and put up with the current lame position. Argh!

Hello 2009

2009-01-05T13:00:00.004Z

Today is the fifth day in the new calendar. When most of colleagues at work happily chat about their New Year celebration, I on the contrary just don’t bother about New Year altogether. I’ve long abandoned the needs of renewing my New Year’s resolution since I left school. I remember during my schooldays, a lot of my friends believe that the New Year epitomises a starting point to be achieve goals that were not attained in the year before. As for me, New Year is nothing but another year passing in our life and a sign that every living creature will be one year older.

There are two things that I look forward in 2009 though, firstly, our trip back to Malaysia. After nearly one year and a half living far away from my large extended family in Malaysia, I’d finally be reunited with my beloved siblings, nephew and nieces. I really miss them all very dearly. As of now, Fadz and I have yet to confirm our departure date and soon we need to work on our itinerary during our stay. If possible, we want to make sure that every single day spends at home worths a thousand different memories which we'll cherish once we return to England. Secondly, I pray hard that there would finally be a silver lining to the current gloomy economic weather.

The big THREE-O

2008-12-22T20:07:00.000Z

In less than a month’s time, the big three-O will be hitting me. I just couldn’t believe how fast time flies. It sometimes felt like it was only yesterday that I’d left the schooldays, joined the varsity took the plunge with the love of my live, got employed, and breed and raised our offspring. As mentioned in my previous post, being blessed with the little two angels-cum-rascals make me the proudest mum in the universe. Despite being blessed with a loving husband and healthy genius boys, I somehow feel like something big and important is missing from my life. And that something is my personal achievement as a working professional.

Through out my working years, I never had a clear vision of my career goal. Ever since I started being employed, if I was asked the question, “where do you see yourself in five years time?”, I could never provide a convincing answer to that question. Truth be told, I was never sure what I wanted out of each of the employment. In fact, all these years I’d never been bothered about the type of work or title of the post I held or if it’d help pave the path towards my dream career. All that mattered was, the amount of money received at the end of month that helped pay most of our financial obligations. Having family at a young age, left me and Fadz with no choice but to opt for any work that met our children’s growing expenses.

To be quite honest I really envy my life partner, Fadz, for the vivid vision that he has for his career prospect. He has my absolute respect every time I watched the determination that he puts in his work and the tireless efforts put forth in achieving the future that he dreams. I, on the contrary, am completely clueless of what I want as a working adult. With just a few days left in the year 2008 calendar, I become more restless as the vision of the big THREE-O hitting me become clearer. Not wanting to let the big question from eating my bubbly self up, I consulted my darling Fadz to shed some light into my cloudy mind.

After spending a whole night discussing the matter, I now have a better picture of my future career and what I’d need to do to reach for that dream. For the time being, I'm not going to unveil it here but I'm definitely putting down a plan to realise my hopeful thinking.

I'm on facebook!

2008-12-17T17:53:00.001Z

I’ve just signed up on the infamous community network Facebook less than a week ago when Fadz invited me to join the network. Fadz finally decided to join Facebook a couple of months after not getting frequent update from his school mates from the other network that we both previously joined. Within the next couple of days after signing up, I was amazed at the many familiar faces whom I seem to have lost track of. All in all, I'm loving this new network community!

My anguish mind

2008-12-06T03:16:00.003Z

I realise that I haven’t been keeping this blog updated as frequent as I used to. I don’t exactly know the reason to this. I remember putting the blame on Fadz when his stupid laptop crashed, and joyfully he conquered mine and took possession over it. A good person would never pin-point other for one’s wrong doing; instead one would find out one’s flaws and search one’s genuine strengths that will slowly minimise the weaknesses over time. What exactly am I rambling about? Where am I leading my fellow blog hoppers?

To be honest, I’m not quite sure myself but I know for certain that this whole thought about blaming others arise soon after Fadz lead me into a heated conversation about how I should run my life. I appreciate his honest intention of helping me to achieve my golden goal which I constantly shared with him. It’s just that, I hate being treated like nothing more than a pretty face with dumb head.

There are times when I feel like I should just give up trying to chase the career that I’ve always dream of. But that would only mean that I’m nothing but a loser who raises the white flag before even going into battle.

When I was in the midst of completing my MBA course, my only wishful thinking was to get employed within the Human Resource line. I always thought that that’s where my passion lies. I searched high and low for any HR related vacancy but I was turned down soon after the interview was over. Having disappointed so many times in chasing my dream of becoming a HR personnel, I was by then quite desperate to get myself employed. Fadz told me that may be it was best if I temporarily land myself a job within any line and from there I could work my way out into HR field again.

I took his advice and decided that if I were ever called for another job interview, I’d sell myself out regardless of the type of vacancy or field of expertise the post required. Eventually I was offered to fill a temporary position in an organisation whose office is situated within walking distance from our resident. The job was quite dodgy in the beginning where there was no proper training or guidance given to help me perform the work. But after a couple of months, my supervisor; Martin noticed that I’m not quite as dumb as he thought. He started to assign me with challenging task. I thought I’d give it a try but after working on analysis on my own without prior training, I began to wear out of the job. I’d even thought of quitting and finding work elsewhere.

Martin was taken shocked when he was handed with my resignation notice as he thought that I was doing really well at every task given. I told him that sales analysis was never a favourite subject of mine in school. With the clock’s ticking closer to my last working day, Martin persistently persuaded me to say on by sharing his stories about how he started working for the company, just the way I did. He said that the work that I do here is very interesting in nature as it requires a lot of critical and analytical thinking.

After four weeks of giving the job another go, I finally decided that it’d be best if I just stay on working for the company (assisted with a lot of pushing from Fadz of course). And within that period of time, I also began to prove myself worthy. Every task given was delivered spot on. With proven track record under my belt, Martin started to put me in charge of certain area of his responsibilities. It was not long before I finally gained Martin’s complete trust of my capability. He began to put me the second person in command whenever he was away from work. Before long, I was promoted from a lame temp to a Retail Analyst Assistant. The recent middle of October, marked my first anniversary working there. I must say that the job could be quite challenging at times. These challenges don’t seem to exhaust me somehow, instead they are the main motivating factor that drives me to work.

Despite the increased responsibility laid upon me, I somehow feel that my work lacks of something. I guess it’s probably because of the fact that things had quieten down a little in the office due to the fact that most of the people there have finally grasped the new system installed. More often than not, during this quiet time my head keep screaming that I needed more out of this job, not material wise but the kind of exposure it brings into.

I guess it’s time for me to try and reinstate the adventures that the job brings. I’ve been sleeping on this matter and exchanging thoughts with Fadz about it. We both agreed that my current post is the best spot to prepare me for a higher managerial post when we return to our homeland. To ensure that I’d be gaining the most out of my current employment, I must express my concern and personal goals with my higher superior. But during the time this update is posted, I think it’s best to keep it low as all directors are busy carrying out the redundant policy.

My children are my life

2008-11-01T11:27:00.009Z

Since the very day I started having children of my own, my life literally resolves around them. I watched them grow up in front and observed how their demands change over time. I remember watching their favourite television programmes with them, singing along the theme songs with, and having to buy merchandise related to the show. Every single day of their childhood never failed to awe and amaze me with every little discovery they made.

In this update, I'd like to share the amazing talents that my children have. Let me first introduce my eldest boy. His given name is Azhan and he's now 7 years old. Azhan is a Year 3 pupil at St Luke's C.E primary school. Azhan's favourite colours are red, blue and purple. The most extraordinary thing about my darling Azhan is his artistic talent. At any pass time that he has, he'd always make drawing. Fadz said Azhan possesses a rather bold and daring stroke which could clearly be seen in all of Azhan's paintings. In this painting for instance, Azhan's stroke made the painting looked dramatic and alive.

I personally think Azhan is very creative; an attibute he takes after Fadz. Just look at this name plate that he made. Neither I nor Fadz could recall ever teaching or showing him how to make one but he creatively made one by combining plasticine of different colours.

I would never consider Azhan as a prodigy artist but he's just like any other boys of his age who still enjoys his play time with his little brother, Nine. Azhan's favourite toy is non other than the infamous Lego. Fadz just loves the way Azhan creatively built all the bricks and transformed them into something different than the Lego given manual.

It's time to introduce my next little rascal; Nine, a five-year old who's now in Year 1. Given name Zulkarnain but since the day he was born, we prefer to call him Nine. This youngest child of mine is very much like me in nature; chatty, bubbly and could easily become sulky. We also share the same interest; reading. Nine's linguistic ability has developed at the tender age of one. I'm always in awe at how quickly he picks up words taught in school. Even when he was in Foundation unit, Nine was already given the books for Year 1 pupils. I just love to listen to Nine's reading. He always reads stories enthusiastically; full of emotion and expression. He even makes different voices for different characters.
Despite his chatty nature, he usually shies away with any one new to him. But once he's got to know the person, he'd turn to his natural character.
There's another thing that Nine and I have in common, Maths. We both love learning Maths. Nine could quickly grasp any Mathematically concepts that his teacher taught in school. He'd usually share it with me as soon as he got back from school. I like the fact that Nine always finds ways of applying what he learnt in his play time.
All in all, I think that my children are genuinely genius in their own unique ways. I must say that my children are not only my life but my living pride (I'm sure every parent is proud of their children). I never regretted having them in my life. In fact their existence makes my life more interesting than ever.

My lil' project

2008-10-18T10:14:00.007+01:00

A few months ago, I'd penned down a part of our England tour itinerary and I'd promised to resume my writing on our special tour. Somehow for some reason after pushing the special report a side for so long I'd completely forgotten about it. It wasn't my intention to abandon that special edition journal but the thoughts of the times spent with my folks here in England would only bring tears to my eyes and make me feel like returning home in the soonest time when I could hardly afford to do so.

On my parents' last day in Bury, my dad requested for all the photos taken during their special visit to be edited and compiled into a video for him to bring home and remember by. From the very day they departed for home up till the last couple of weeks I couldn't bring myself to fulfilling my promise. In the last few weeks, compiling the pictures and videos of my parents' visit has been the project that I worked full-time on as soon as I got home from work. I'd successfully edited nearly one-third of the project when suddenly the computer froze and all composition went hay-wired. It's nearly a week since then and I automatically felt put-off thus once again abandon my mission to granting my dad's wish.

Despite my misfortune of losing my invaluable project, I'd managed to publish a tiny portion of it. Here's a snippet of a small protion of my special project:-

I know the editing is far from the professional output, and as a once graduate of Multimedia Studies I should be embarassed of my little production. I should have been able to produce something better than this. Perhaps, it's time to polish up the video editing skill I picked up six years ago.

Post-Eid entry

2008-10-13T21:58:00.003+01:00

Sebetulnye, sehari selepas Hari Raya baru ni I'd started drafting an entry in conjunction with the special celebration just for my own record of how I celebrated my 2nd Eid here. The only problem was, I could never get myself to finish the simple entry. The more I tried to write about Eid here the more teary my eyes became. I decided that it'd be best if the recent Eid festive is pushed aside from my memory hence resume my usual daily life here.

Summer is finally over. We're seeing less and less sunlight with every passing day as we head towards the Fall season. As mentioned in one of my previous entries, a lot of people think that those living abroad are very fortunate as they not only get to experience life in foreign soil but also associate the emigrants with lavish, luxurious lifestyle. I must say, a number of them do live lavishly but to me and Fadz that's not our main goal in being here. Our target is to obtain the best education for our boys which we know we could hardly afford. I'm not saying that the national education back home ain't good enough for them but our personal experience was a good evident that our boys deserve something better than what we had.

Last week, our children's school had organised parent evening as a way to update the parents on their children's progress in school. I was more than happy to be informed that they're both doing very well in class. The teachers also highlighted areas where the boys need to polish on. Within that less than 20 minutes meeting with their class teachers, I'm more convinced now that Fadz and I had made the right decision in paving our children's future path.

Azhan's first time fasting

2008-09-19T16:13:00.017+01:00

As mentioned in my previous post, tahun ni tahun kedua menunaikan ibadah puasa di bulan Ramadhan bersama Fadz dan anak2. Azhan pon nampaknye sudah belajar berpuasa. But for the time being, we asked him to fast only on the weekend cause I think it'd be much easier for him to perform it while he's away from school and his non-Muslim class mates. Setakat ni, Azhan berjaya berpuasa penuh selama 4 hari. I know it may sound very little compared to young lads of his age back home in Malaysia. But do bear in mind that we're living in foreign soil where the Ramadhan fasting environment and spirit don't seem to exist at all.

I found it difficult to make Azhan understands the meaning and importance of fasting during the holy month. I remembered trying to explain to him about the rationale of performing this task as a Muslim on the previous Saturday. It was the first day that he started to experience the feeling of fasting for the entire day. His daddy promised him that if Azhan managed to fast from dawn till dusk, he'd reward Azhan £2 for each day. Azhan took up this challenge upon learning the reward should he succeed. But by mid-day after spending the entire morning walking from one shop to another doing our grocery shopping, Azhan started to plead if he could have a sip of drink. He kept complaining of how thirsty and starving he was.

I tried to comfort him by telling him the importance of performing of this rather difficult task. I told him that the Muslims been summoned to fast so that we'd realise how fortunate we are compared to those living in poverty whom couldn't even afford to buy food. My explanation might have sounded too grown-up for a seven-year old boy to comprehend that he kept asking when could he have a glass of water. Neither I nor Fadz gave-in to his pleading instead we pursuaded Azhan to lie down and have plenty of rest. We kept telling him it was just a few hours more to go for Iftar. Fadz had even diverted Azhan's focus from thirst and starvation to the reward that awaited him. I'm sure someday when Azhan is older, he'd have a better understanding of the concept of fasting.

Awa's visit

2008-09-19T16:13:00.006+01:00

I should have written about Awa's visit since last week. But for some reason, I somehow couldn't get myself to writing. Perhaps Fadz's PC which constantly request for MS Word product key had put me off from noting down something special about her visit to Bury. Some of you may wonder, who exactly Awa is in my life. She is none other than Fadz's youngest sister aka my sis-in-law. She's a medical student studying in Dublin. Initially, we planned to pay her a visit cause by Spring 09 she'd be heading back to Malaysia for good. So, we thought that it's best to spend our boys' summer holiday in Dublin while Awa is still staying in Dublin. Unfortunately, our financial obligation didn't grant us our wishful thinking. We thought it'd be more economical if Awa came to our place instead.

I hadn't seen Fadz's lil sister for quite sometimes. If I'm not mistaken the last time I saw her was about a couple of years back before she left for Dublin. To be honest, I was never really that close to her as she's one of the quiet ones in his family. I think any wives in their rightful mind would be terrified about the idea of having their in-laws around especially those whom they'd never become close to. Somehow out of the ordinary, for this occassion I was excited about Awa's visit. In fact, I was looking forward to having her around.

Awa arrived at Manchester Airport on a Saturday afternoon. We took a bus to pick her up at the airport. If I recall correctly, she looked slimmer than I last pictured her. We stopped by the City for a while to do a little shopping and some window-shopping. Due to our petite nature, we found it hard to find clothes that perfectly fit us. We then headed home and had dinner which I'd prepared before we left for the airport.
On the following day, I took Awa to our little town to shop for some clothes. For once in my lifetime here, I had a shopping buddy who was more than happy to tag along my shopping journey. To be quite frank, I didn't shop anything for myself. It was more of a shopping treat for Awa. But I did have a wonderful time going from one shop to another and looked for the perfect dress and shoes for Fadz's sister. I didn't mind spending for her in return for the good deed that Awa did for us during her fortnight stay in Bury. She had helped baby-sit our two boys, walked them to and from school. And because of that I think she deserved to be treated with some shopping spree in our little town Bury.

Awa had returned to Dublin about three weeks ago. I kinda miss her company somehow especially during this fasting period. Sigh

Ramadhan datang lagi

2008-09-05T04:52:00.002+01:00

Hari ini masuk hari ke5 berpuasa untuk Ramadhan tahun ini. Tahun ini juga merupakan tahun ke2 aku berpuasa di perantauan bersama suami dan anak-anak. Unlike other school children back home in Malaysia, An dan Nine masih belum diajar berpuasa dan kewajipan berpuasa. My hubby and I have been thinking about exposing An to the concept of fasting, tapi mungkin sekadar hari minggu sahaja sebagai melatih An untuk berpuasa. Inilah setback hidup diperantauan yang majority penduduknya non-Muslim. Suasana berpuasa bagaikan tidak wujud sama sekali. Hiruk pikuk pasar ramadhan sebaik habis waktu pejabat jauh sekali. Jauh di sudut hati ini, timbul juga rasa rindu pada masakan mak, suasana berhimpun kami adik-beradik untuk berbuka puasa bersama. Entah bila agaknya dapat merasai itu semua kembali.

If this year’s Ramadhan is my second time fasting here, it’ll be the third year in a row for my hubby. I’m sure he feels the same way about being away and having to spend our Ramadhan so far away from our close families back home. Pada awalnya, we’ve been planning to celebrate the end of next year’s Ramadhan in Malaysia thus reuniting us with our whole family for Hari Raya. Tapi disebabkan ada ahli keluarga yang besar kemungkinan akan melangsungkan perkahwinan dalam suku pertama tahun depan, jadi niat untuk beraya beramai-ramai terpaksa dibatalkan. Tak mengapa lah, barangkali lain tahun baru dapat beraya bersama mak abah dan adik-adik.

To all my friends back home in Malaysia, I'd like to wish "Selamat berpuasa. Moga ibadah tahun ini lebih baik dari tahun-tahun lepas"

Make over

2008-08-15T19:47:00.004+01:00

I've planned to give my personal journal a face-lift for ages now. In fact, I've been begging my ever-loving spouse to design a new look for "Bed of Roses" since the past few months. Honestly, not having my wish granted was the main reason why I decided to boycott this blog from being updated. After months of persistent begging and appealing for a new face, I've finally gotten the make over that this page deserves to have. I know the colour scheme may look a little too feminine to some people but personally I think the colour really suits the blog name, Bed of Roses.
Some of you gentle readers might wonder why this piece of webpage is named the way it is now. Some may even wonder if it carries a certain meaning with it. To be frank, I never knew the exact definition of the term 'Bed of Roses' but the main reason why I chose this title was plainly because I am a big fan of the flower Rose. I simply love roses not just for its very attractive looks but also the sweet alluring smell that it carries with it. Coincidentally, according to my dad my given name in arabic means roses. I thought to myself, what better way to describe this little collection of writings than Bed of Roses which I happen to have likened from the moment I first heard of it.

Although the meaning of this connotation does not mirror the primary contents of this webpage which focuses on the ups, downs, twists, and turns in mylife as a wife, mother, daughter, or simply as a lady; the definition of 'Bed of Roses' is a clear reflection of my true colour. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm the kind of person who loves trouble free mind. I could never carry huge burden on my own, I'd always have to share the weight with my life partner. I guess that could have been why this blog was initially set up; a place for me to pour myself out as and when I please.

So, to my faithful gentle readers I hope that you agree with me on the new look of this page. But, if you don't, I'm always open for other suggestions as I'm thinking of giving yet another face lift to Bed of Roses during the winter season.

My first anniversary

2008-08-14T10:49:00.003+01:00

It's been months since the last time I updated this blog of mine. Looks like it's cobwebbed everywhere and there's gonna be lot of dusting off to do to make this blog ship-shape again. Anyhow, truth to tell, the reason for my long abandoning this blog from being updated is that I've been preoccupied following some programmes on the telly. Another contributing factor is that my precious laptop's been snatched by someone at home whose notebook's crashed and decided to use mine instead to keep his blog updated from time to time. Still, I should never use these excuses from updating this journal.

July 7th marked my 1st anniversary of living in England. 1st anniversary means a lot to me as it clearly indicates that I've successfully gone through the full cycle of the four seasons that the English faces every year. I remember when I first started working here sometimes in October 07, my superior told me that the most common subject that one can use as an ice-breaking conversation is the weather. I was puzzled back then as to why the English can be a little obsessive about their so-called English weather. Having completed the full cycle, I begin to understand why the weather is such a hot topic around here.

Picture this, you were waken up by the bright sunlight that went through your big window frame. You became thrilled and excited upon the sight of promising sunshine as you haven't seen that sunny ray of light for the past couple of days. The first thing that popped into your mind is you no longer need to wear long sleeves shirt to work cause you assume it'd be boiling hot in the office that day. Once you prep yourselve for work, finished up your bowl of cereal, grabbed your sandwich and opened the door to head for the office, that ray of sunlight had been blocked by dark clouds in the sky. From that moment on, that feeling of silver lining you had earlier slowly diminished as you grabbed your foldable umbrella and put your light jacket on. That's how miserable the English weather can be at times. It can change dramatically within the 24 hours period that you have in a day. So, if you happen to have the chance to visit England in the summer, be prepared to have a light jacket in one hand and an umbrella in another cause you'd just never know when one of them will come in handy.

Acorns don't fall far from the oak tree..

2008-04-21T18:46:00.004+01:00

Last Sunday, my hubby and I took our two boys to an optician centre to get their eyes checked after hearing comments from their respective teachers about them squinting their eyes whenever they were asked to read the board from afar. We made appointments for both of them with the optician. They took turn to get their eyes checked and I accompanied them both during the whole process. After doing a thorough check on their eye vision, the optician confirmed and recommended that they are both short-sighted just like me and my dear hubby. I was quite astonished to learn that my two boys would be needing spectacles at a very young age. They are only five and seven years old. I remember having perfect eye-sight up till I was 17. I only needed a pair of glasses only a year after registering myself to a reputable grammar school. It was shocking when I was informed that my eldest son would need to wear spectacles with similar prescription as mine.

In contrast to my surprise upon learning of my children’s short-sightedness, my two boys were thrilled and excited about needing to wear a pair of glasses. My eldest straight away went to the samples of frames displayed for children as soon as he stepped out of the examination room. About half an hour later, right after my youngest boy had his eyes checked, his elder brother, Azhan led Nine to the display wall and showed Nine the frame that Azhan had chosen thus sweet-talked Nine to choose one similar to his which is labelled with cartoon characters that they adore; Batman and Superman. Honestly, my hubby and I didn’t approve the type of frames they chose mainly because they are steel-based which we thought could easily get damaged by our active kids. Looking at their faces that glow with joy and excitement, my hubby and I had no choice but to give in and let them have what they had picked.

My boys were even more thrilled and excited when they finally got their glasses last Wednesday. Look, how happy and cute they are with their new spectacles. I guess, “acorns don’t fall far from the oak tree” after all.

A trip to Remember...

2008-04-01T12:30:00.010+01:00

About a week ago my mom and dad were here in England visiting us. They spent a fortnight here. Their only intention was to stay in our humble place and spend the whole period of couple of weeks at our place. Never had they known that my hubby and I had arranged ahead a plan of taking them places around England. Personally I thought one’s visit to England is incomplete if one doesn’t go and see all the main attraction and historical places that England has to offer. Thus, my hubby and I took the whole week off during my parents’ stay to (1) spend time with them, (2) take them and our children for a tour around England. Initially, I thought of taking them to Scotland coz’ my dad wished to see the snow and the northern Scotland is the land blessed with snow almost all year round. But after further discussion with my hubby, we finally decided to drive them down South of England since my hubby has a number of friends staying down South. A few days prior to my parents’ arrival, me and my hubby had it all figured out of the whereabouts of our trip.

Details of our trip are elaborated in the following itinerary:-

Day 1: Saturday, 22nd March, Lake District

For the first day of our trip, my hubby thought that it was best to take them up north before we headed down south. Thus, our first stop was the infamous Lake District. It was rather chilly that Saturday morning. As soon as we walked towards the lake, the wind blowing was even chillier. I could feel my teeth chattering as we walked along the lake side. My boys were thrilled upon seeing the friendly swan lakes and ducks trotting by our side asking for food. My two sons quickly took out the loaf of bread that we brought purposely for feeding the birds there. We then took our boys and my parents for a boat ride around the lake which we thought would warm up my parents a little. Once we get on board and the boat headed towards the open lake, we were accompanied by the beautiful sceneries that the lake has to offer. We were astonished by the picturesque view as the boat took us around the lake.

Day 1: Saturday, 22nd March, Blackpool

Our second stop for the day was Blackpool which was only 45 minutes drive from the Lake District. Blackpool was crowded with people craving for entertainment since this place is filled with the many amusement centres for the young and adult alike. This statement about the crowd in Blackpool was evident when we had a hard time finding for a parking spot. It was drizzling in Blackpool when we first arrived. The Blackpool tower somehow in presence looks similar to the Eiffel tower except that the one in Paris is much higher and carries more prestige with it. Knowing that Blackpool is located within the coast line of England, we headed for the sea side and walked along it. It brought joy to our little ones upon seeing the sea side. To my boys, a visit to beach would only be perfect if they could get their hands dirty with the sand in the beach!

Day 2: Sunday, 23rd March, Bury was covered in snow

Bury was blessed with snow yet again. I guess God heard my dad’s wish and decided to turn it into a reality. I could tell my dad’s excitement when he woke us up as early as dawn which was soon after he realised that the streets where we live in were covered white. Upon hearing the word ‘snow’ my little boys jumped out of bed, put on their cold weather clothes and dashed out to get their hands on the white snow. My dad was ultimately happy that his excitement could be shared with his grandsons. Without a second thought, my dad joined my boys in our little garden to feel and touch the snow for the very first time in his entire life. I was very glad and happy that dad has finally got what he wished for in his visit to England. Thank you, the Almighty.

Day 2: Sunday, 23rd March, RAF Museum Birmingham

After snapping some photos of us in the snow, we left Bury to head towards our first stop down south of England; Birmingham. The idea of taking my parents to the RAF Museum came about after my hubby’s first visit there with his fellow colleagues. We were glad that the first stop was not a disappointment to my dad. In fact, he seemed to be engulfed in the many airplane models exhibited there. My boys were excited too especially my eldest. He was even thinking of making an airplane model. In fact, soon after we left the museum my eldest son made a detailed drawing of one of the flights.

Day 2: Sunday, 23rd March, Warwick Castle

This destination was rather a last-minute stop that my hubby decided to include in our itinerary. It was one of the castles around England that is well kept and preserved. It was not just a ruin of the late royalty but a palace filled with activities similar to those of the ancient day. I overheard one of the visitors there explaining to her daughter that the many activities featured could help expose and educate the young ones to years of feudal and how the people during those time lived their daily routine. I was dazzled by the vast compound of the castle which is on the contrary to the size of the staircase within the castle. I could hardly imagine how the king’s men (whom I assumed were gigantic in nature since they had to carry on heavyweight armour around them to battle) walked through the tiny flight of stairs. I must say, it was a destination filled with education.

Day 3: Monday, 24th March, Bath, Avon

From Warwick, we drove further down south to Bath, place nicked as the Roman City. In Bath, we spent the night at one of my hubby’s school mate who has been residing in England since she pursued her studies. I was quite excited about meeting my hubby’s friend who is expecting a baby soon. Ain and Syed had thrown us a very warm welcome. After indulging in the heavenly dish of nasi lemak, the parents-to-be took us for a walk around the little town they live in. My hubby and I couldn’t help but admire the unique architecture featured here. My mom on the other hand fell for the wild flowers blooming in the garden especially the sakura-like flower. She even wished that she could bring those beautiful wild flowers home to Malaysia. After our morning stroll in the little town of Ain and Syed’s, we bid farewell and resume our trip.

Day 3: Monday, 24th March, New Quay, Cornwall

I personally love the drive from Bath to Cornwall. It was one of the most exciting driving range ever. I remember being accompanied by picturesque view along the way to Cornwall. The road was filled with beautiful sceneries of the country side that was beyond my wildest imagination. The God’s beauty around me had defeated the fatigue-ness that I felt from driving, in fact I was wide awake along the way there. My boys on the other were only excited about the thought of going to a sandy beach. Their only wish was to make sand castle. Upon the sight of the blue wave hitting the sandy beach, my boys got thrilled. They quickly dashed out of the car as soon as the car halted and headed towards the nearest beach. They collected many sea shells buried under the sand to be brought home as mementoes for our visit. I made a vow that I would take my sons to Cornwall again coz we spared very little time at this beautiful beach.

Day 3: Monday, 24th March, Plymouth

From Cornwall, we drove further down south to Plymouth where one of my undergraduate course-mates is staying. Once again, our journey there was escorted by one of the many God’s wonderful crafts. As we got closer to our destination, we were blown by a wonderful surprise; a ferry ride to Plymouth. My sons were so excited when they got to know that we would go on a ferry to cross the Portsmouth Harbour. My little boys always thought that they could only ride ferry whenever they visit their great-grandparents in Penang. I reckon it had never occurred to them that they could experience a thrilling ferry ride in England as well. (to be continued...)

Thank you, Umei

2008-04-01T12:09:00.004+01:00

This post is solely dedicated to my coursemate, Umei whom I have recently met at her residence in Plymouth. It's been ages since the last time I met her during our years in the varsity. According to my somewhat absent-minded memory, I had come to know Umei through our Art & Graphic group project. I remember thinking of her as a very religious person from the way she dressed. It never occurred to me that she's a bubbly and easy-going type of person until the day we officially engaged with the Art & Graphic project. Umei is the friendliest person I've met, not to mention a chatter box too.

p/s: thanks for letting us stay at ur place, Umei. we'll definitely visit u again someday.

2008-03-13T05:25:00.004Z

Lately my eldest son has been asking for me to give him a baby girl. Truth to tell, I do crave for a baby girl to be a part of our small family as well but my not-so privilege childhood made me think more than twice about having more children. I was brought up in a big family with five younger siblings that I constantly had to help my mom care for. I distinctly remember having to help my mom change my younger sisters and brother nappies at the tender age of six. Two years later when I was in Standard Two and had just recovered from chicken pox, another new member of the family was brought home making six number of children occupying the quarters that we were staying in. It also meant that the more nappies that I would be changing. I always felt ashamed of admitting to have five younger sisters and brothers to my friends mostly because many of them had less number of siblings than I do. I could vividly recall my childhood being filled with nappy changing, bathing and looking after my younger siblings, and helping them with their homework. I envied my other school friends who didn’t have as much responsibility as I did. They could happily play with friends of the same age freely. Wherever I’d go, my sisters and brothers would be seen clinging on to me. Back then, I always wished that I had only had one younger sister in the family instead of five little ones. I remember asking my mom why she didn't stop breeding after having two daughters. My mom didn’t reply my questioning (Only recently have I had the answer to it.

Having to share everything that I had with my five siblings turned me into an adolescent who despises children, an attribute which is the opposite of my mom who simply adores children. I could clearly recall the times when I chased children (especially the naughty ones) out of my house during my teen age years. My mom back then frequently reminded me not to mistreat those children. She kept saying that someday I might be blessed with children who’d be handful. I guess God heard her warning and made them come true just so that I’d learn my lesson. My two sons were quite handful especially the youngest one. Whenever I see adorable girls in their girly dresses, I do feel the clingyness of having one but I always fight the sense that I had with thoughts of my past childhood and the heftiness of bringing up the two boys. Even before I started breeding, I warned myself and my hubby not to have too many children plainly because (1) I don’t like children, (2) I don’t want my boys to go through the same childhood which I had experienced. I do want my eldest son to have a sense of responsibility but not as much as I did. Plus, I personally think that I am not capable of attending and entertaining the needs of too many children. I had experienced the lack of attention from my parents when I was young (cause they were busy attending to my younger siblings) and so I do not want my boys to feel that they are any least loved by me or my hubby. I want them to have all the love and attention from us.

Bed of Roses was tagged

2008-02-24T10:08:00.007Z

About a week or so ago, Quesera sera has tagged this blog of mine. I'm not really sure of the rules of tagging and how it works but I'm going to give it a go anyway. So, here's my long reply to being tagged:-

8 random facts about me
(1) I enjoy reading especially well-written novels. Lately, I fall for novels written by English novelists. Honestly, I think their books are brilliantly composed with vast vocabulary and beautiful prose.
(2) I love to day-dream. I could be day-dreaming while I'm in the shower, in the kitchen while preparing dinner, and mostly in bed before I finally fall asleep.
(3) I never like children before I finally have my own offspring. But I still find it hard to like children of others except my sister's and sister-in-law's. I just adore my nephew and nieces. I could spend a whole lot buying clothes for the little girls since I don't have one of my own.
(4) I used to love window-shopping. I still do. But nowadays I'd be doing it online. Window-shopping keeps me update with the new trends in the fashion industry. It also helps me to day-dream of my next perfect dress to be added into my wardrobe.
(5) I'm camera shy eventhough many people keep telling me that the camera loves me. Truth to tell, I'm never good at posing for the camera.
(6) At times, I'd be talking or babbling or nagging to myself about the many things going on in mylife. I could be rambling about my colleagues, my partner or even the people that I passed by as I walked to the office.
(7) I'm a chocolate lover. I find it hard to resist anything that's heavenly indulged in chocolate. It may be in the form of ice-cream, cake, biscuit, waffle, or even chocolate bars. If anyone offers me chocolate, I could never refuse it.
(8) My weight is always on my alert radar. Being a chocolate lover, I constantly watch over food and the amount of food that I consume daily. If I found myself gaining extra pounds, I’d quickly imposed a strict diet regime on myself just to ensure that I lose those additional pounds within the next couple of weeks.

FAVORITE BREAKFAST IS: nasi lemak (but there’s no instant nasi lemak here. Tunggu mak datang England baru dapat makan kot)
THE MOVIE I’VE WATCHED MOST NUMBER OF: P.Ramlee movies, but I’ve new craze; Mukhsin
LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: Bahasa Melayu
SPEND MY LEISURE TIME: watching telly, reading novels
WORST SMELL? My housemate cooking khinzir. Bau hanyir gile
IF I COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Mercedes M-class
FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? Lipat kain
WHEN I WAS A KID I DREAMT OF BECOMING A: Doctor
FAVORITE COLOR(s): Black, White, Grey
FAVORITE PERFORMER(S): None
IF I COULD REPEAT COLLEGE, I’D TAKE: Mass communication
THREE THINGS I CAN’T FORGET BEFORE GOING TO OFFICE? Handphone, kunci umah
FIRST THING I’LL BUY WITH MY FIRST SALARY: I-pod nano
I’D LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED AS: A contributing community member
IF A BOOK WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE, WOULD YOU STILL BOTHER TO READ THE BOOK? Depends on the type of book. I’d never go for horror/thriller flicks
SPECIALTY IN COOKING? Laksa kedah, mee goreng basah, sambal tumis ikan bilis
PRESENT CRUSH(ES)? Jake Gyllenhaal, the late Heath Ledger (love his deep voice)
FAVORITE HANG-OUT? Bury Millgate, Mid-valley Megamall, KLCC.
BEST PLACE TO SHOP? Bury Millgate
DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH PLAYS? I love theater. Last seen was Ali Baba the Musical
FAVORITE PLACE IN YOUR HOUSE? On the sofabed which is next to the telly
BEST GIFT YOU’VE RECEIVED? Lancome Miracle with a bouquet of roses given 2 years ago during mother’s day
WEIRDEST GIFT YOU’VE RECEIVED? Can’t think of any
GIFT THAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE AS OF THIS MOMENT? I-pod nano
YAHOO OR HOTMAIL: Yahoo
LEFT OR RIGHT: Right
BLACK OR WHITE: Both
BLACK OR BLUE PEN: Black pen
SANDALS OR SHOES: Shoes
CHOPSTICKS OR SPOON AND FORK? Depends on the meal
ROBOCOP OR RAMBO: Neither
JOLLIBEE OR McD: Depends on my crave and appetite
COKE OR PEPSI: Neither. I like fruit-flavoured if I feel like drinking carbonated drinks
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO: Fadz
LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU: Fadz
LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH: Fadz
LAST TIME I CRIED: Early this month before I tendered my resignation notice which I then withdrew
YOU SEE ME ALWAYS DRINKING: Plain water

People whom I'd tag:-
1. Fadz
2. Yoe
3. Quesera sera
4. Besout
5. Scabbers
6. Lord Voldermont
7. Lindaz

To Quesera sera, thank you for tagging me. Even before this blog was tagged, I've long categorised the above lists as my favourite blog-hopping spots. I truly enjoy reading you guys' posts on your respective blogs. Keep up your frequent posts!

Beauty and Acceptance

2008-02-23T22:16:00.005Z

"Some people are universally beautiful and some people are beautiful only to those that love them. Love changes beauty. When you love a truly beautiful person, they cease to be perfect and you love them more because you, and only you know their flaws. That's what makes them yours, the secret of the flaws. And when you love an ugly person, they become beautiful to you. That's part of the love, the fact that you know they are beautiful. People's features change when you love them. They become precious. And once you really know them, have held that face close and kissed every bit of it, you'll never recapture how it looked to you for the first time you saw it. But sometimes you see a face for the first time and know that is the face for you. And sometimes a face just grows on you, and there it is in your life, and your days would be empty without it" - Secrets of a Family Album, Isla Dewar

I was intrigued by this beautifully crafted philosophies on beauty and acceptance which was brilliantly debated between a mother and a daughter in another novel of Isla Dewar, Secrets of a Family Album. I couldn't agree more. When I first met Fadz, I was despised by his physical appearance. But somehow when I gave myself the opportunity to be close to him, I saw an inner beauty that no one else has seen in him before. The more time I spend my life time with him, listening to all his thoughts, the more I become accustomed to his unique face, hence the more I learn to accept and love him just the way he is.

The Consequences of Marriage

2008-02-14T03:38:00.005Z

Last week, I have just finished reading a book by an English novelist entitled, The Consequences of Marriage. The novel was about an elderly lady who had mistakenly thought that she was on the verge of facing the angle of death. With the thought of joining her late husband at the back of her mind, she decided to pay her last visit to the places that once held her life-time memories and say adieu to all her children. I just admire the way Isla Dewar unfolded the historical and memorable events of her life which had long been veiled from the knowledge of her offspring.

For this special trip (which she thought would be her last one), she decided to use the less-travelled road instead of the motorway. I thought she had made a wise decision on the path that she’d take as these roads offer more picturesque view compared to the motorway. I totally agree with her. Most motorway users only have one thing in their mind; step on the accelerator, speed up and reach their destinations in the least time. She was right about the route for her final voyage. Her trip to her destinations was accompanied by beautiful scenery where she halted to picnic and enjoy the magnificent view laid upon her aging eyes. It was at these brief stops (which she’d planned ahead) that her untold stories were unraveled and shared with her accompanying chauffeur whom reminded her so much of her lost child.

As she reached each of her destinations, all her fond memories kept within the place begun to unwind and play back in the corners of her mind. At times, she was so indulged in the flashes of her past that she spoke to her late husband’s soul. She even talked very affectionately about the place and the beautiful reminiscence that she once lived in when the reality of her previous past there wasn’t always as striking as her vivid recalls. As I followed her secret being unraveled, I begun to understand why she selectively recalled only the good old memories. I guess when one has to spend one’s golden age without the presence of one’s soul mate; one would prefer to unwind only the wonderful moments spent together than the hardship that they once lived.

When I finally read the last sentence of the novel, two things triggered in my mind. Firstly, I started to realize that I have never really had the time to appreciate the picturesque places back home. In fact, I was like the many typical motorway users who only wanted to quickly arrive at the destination. I shared this old lady’s wonderful journey with my hubby and thought that we should do the same during our next home visit in summer 2009. Secondly, the selective flashback that the elderly woman had made me wondered what would I be like when I’m older and having to spend my golden years in loneliness. I know now that I could never live my life without my soul partner…

I was stupified

2008-02-06T01:29:00.000Z

I think I will fall ill very soon. My throat is starting to sore, my nose is blocked. I have been telling people around me that I am fortunate that I hadn’t caught the infamous influenza in this horrendous weather. I did the most foolish thing to do in a freezing cold weather; eat a bowl of chocolate ice-cream. I just couldn’t resist the combination of my two favourite yet forbidden food (for weight watchers like me); chocolate and ice cream. I remember putting on nearly 10 pounds after last year’s Christmas. Who wouldn’t put on weight after indulging into the heavenly meal and definitely the many chocolaty sweets beautifully wrapped? I told myself then that I must commence my strict diet regime; no more in between meals and chocolate. Within less than four weeks, those extra pounds gained started to lose off and I can easily fit into all my size 6 clothes. My point is, I shouldn't have let the evil lured me into consuming those chocolate ice-cream in the first place. I felt so stupified. I should have know better the consequences of falling for the evil and now, I am on the verge of facing that consequence of my own foolishness; down with flu!

p/s: We finally had some snow last Saturday after having wait for it since Christmas.

A quitter? Hmm...

2008-01-31T13:38:00.000Z

There are times when I really regret sweet-talking my hubby to migrate here. Yesterday was one of those moments. I had a really tough time at work. My superior seemed to be expecting too much from me when the fact is I am not entirely ready to take up a job that I am never passionate of. I can foresee that the post may promise a good career prospect but what I fail to see is myself fitting into the job. I’ve always longed for a career within the line of study that I did for my post-graduate degree. I should admit that Operation Management was not my favourite subject, and the post he’s offering is very similar to what I’d learned in the course. He spent about 10 minutes to discuss what he planned to do to help me grab hold and grasp the essence of my new role. During this discussion, I started thinking that may be it will be best if I dismiss myself from the organisation before he spares his precious time at work to further explain something that I’m not entirely ready to commit to.

So, yesterday as I was walking home, I thought of it thoroughly and decided that I don’t fit into the post offered and tender my resignation notice today. But my superior is not in today as he’s attending a very important conference in the City. I’d hand him my notice first thing tomorrow and explain why I did so. Some people may think that I am a quitter for quitting before the real hard work even begins. The truth is I’ve attempted to play my new role for the past couple of weeks without proper training and using only the very brief description of the job given. I thought to myself that before my superior or the people around me started to judge me as not contributing to the organisation, it’s better for me to leave.

Rutin harian di rantauan

2008-01-30T12:55:00.000Z

Dah lame sangat rasanya tidak mengemaskini (update) blog dalam Bahasa Melayu. Sebelum BM saya bertambah karat, molek lah kiranya saya menulis sedikit di dalam bahasa ibunda saya. Semenjak saya menetap di rantauan, saya telah belajar menjadi manusia yang lebih berjimat. Misalnya, saya pergi keje dengan hanye berjalan kaki (maklumlah, saya masih belum memiliki kenderaan sendiri), dan saya bawa bekal untuk makan tengahari. Kalau dahulu semasa saya menetap di tanahair, setiap hari saya perlu memandu untuk ke tempat kerja, dan waktu makan pula, sudah menjadi kewajiban membeli di kedai makan sahaja. Pada ketika itu, langsung tidak terlintas untuk membawa bekal. Bukan setakat makan tengahari yang saya beli di gerai, malah boleh dikatakan untuk setiap sajian (meal) sehari-hari, dibeli di gerai. Sungguh jarang sekali saya memasak di rumah. Tapi sekarang, amat jarang sekali saya membeli makanan dari gerai, sebaliknya saya lebih selesa makan makanan yang saya masak sendiri. Bukan sahaja boleh berjimat, tetapi juga lebih yakin dengan tahap kebersihan penyediaaan makanan tersebut.

p/s: seksanya nak siapkan satu perenggan yang betul tatabahasanya (grammartically correct) dalam bahasa ibunda sendiri. I should be ashamed of myself.

My cheeky lil' boys

2008-01-16T23:04:00.000Z

Last week was my youngest son's 5th birthday. The infamous quotation about time; "time waits for no men nor women" is truly true. I sometimes find it hard to convince myself that the active little boy whom I gave birth to five years ago is already in school. It felt like it was only yesterday that I cradled him in my arms (I still do though), and watched his progressive growth daily. He never fails to amaze me everyday with every little new things that he learns in school. Though this youngest boy of mine takes after most of his father's facial appearance, his linguistic abilities and physical feature are inhereted maternally. He picks up language very quickly and easily makes friends. Being born as a big baby, he is always thought to be the same age as his older brother. He may be physically big, but at times he still behaves like a small baby.
His older brother, my eldest son, contradicts my youngest in every way. Despite inhereting most of my facial features, this nearly 7-year-old boy takes after most of my hubby's artistic attributes. Has the love to draw and invent things, Han's set back is linguistic. As a baby, he developed his linguistic skill at a later age compared to boys of the same age. Being a practical person like his father, my eldest tends to learn language better when he could apply the words in his daily conversation.
Even though both of my boys are unique from one to another, when it comes to play time, they share the same interest. Both of them really enjoy building their Lego bricks, play computer games, and read story books before they go to bed. And they're also very cheeky whenever they're asked to pose for the camera. But most important of all, I love them both very much and they'll always be my babies no matter how big they grow!

A belated 'surprise'

2008-01-05T02:16:00.000Z

Last weekend was my beloved hubby’s birthday. We only bought a cake to commemorate that special day in his life. As we indulged ourselves into the heavenly chocolate cake, I started thinking to myself, “When was the last time I threw him a surprise for his birthday? Never! And when was the last time I’ve bought him something valuable besides clothes? Never!” I’ve been married to him for seven years yet not once have I ever arranged for a surprise for his special day. So, I started to layout a secret plan in my head. I had it all figured out; as soon as I finished work on Friday, I’d take the boys to our little town and buy everything needed to surprise him. Last Thursday night, as I was preparing dinner, I revealed my secret plans to my two boys and warned them not to disclose it to their daddy.

Friday set in. It was the day to finally execute my surprise project. Once I finished work at noon, I dashed home to fetch my sons and get them dress for our outing. As we walked towards town, I told them again that we were going to buy daddy’s birthday present and they suggested a few brilliant ideas to further complement the plan. Our first stop was a shop that sells cards. The boys picked a card from daddy’s section and I selected one that said ‘husband’ on it. After purchasing the cards, we headed to another shop since the other thing that we needed was not sold there. We roamed around the shop for a bit and came across a lovely frame with beautiful wishes on it. I grasped it and went to find ‘blow-outs’ and party hat. According to my eldest son, a birthday party wouldn’t be complete without those two items. With all the accessories in hand, we went to a music shop to get the present that I’d been eyeing for the past couple of weeks ever since I heard my husband saying that he would want to have one someday. We went into the shop and as I looked around I saw ‘it’, the perfect gift! Before we finally head home, we made one last stop to buy a pizza since the week before we’d already had a cake.

When we got home, my sons and I tidied up our little room, wrote our well-wishes in the cards, set up the table, wrapped the gift, lit the candle, turned off the lights and the telly, and waited for him to return from work. I had his camera ready in my hand to snap photos while my sons put on the party hat and grabbed their Postman Pat blow-out. As we waited in the dark, the boys kept telling me how excited they were. I could clearly see the excitement portrayed in their cheerful smiles. A few minutes went by before we finally heard him unlocked the door and turned the knob. As soon as he stepped into the room, we stood up from our hiding place and shouted ‘surprise’, my youngest son even blew his blow-out. My hubby was indeed surprised. He was even more surprised when we presented his birthday ‘gift’.

I’m really pleased that he loves the gift even though it wasn’t given on the exact date of his special day. Dragging my sons into my plan was the best part of the little project. Their genius thought of the little things like blow-outs and party hats made the small event even more special. Their little inputs had not only perfected my plan but eventually made them members of the project.

p/s: Happy Belatedy Birthday, Abg Syg

My favourite pastime

2007-12-30T10:38:00.000Z

I once mentioned in my earlier post that I need a good reading book to find and re-gain my sense of literacy that seems to have lost since I completed my post-graduate studies. Well, last Saturday my hubby took me and the boys to the public library in our little town to register us as members of the library. After completing the necessary registration forms and providing the document needed to support our application, we were given the official membership cards. Truth to tell, the last time I ever set foot in a library was when I was struggling to finish writing my final project paper which was approximately half a year ago. I loan three books, two of them were taken from the literature section and the last one was from the feminism shelve. Some of you may probably wonder, “Why literature?” Like I’ve stated in my last couple of post, I am in dire need of getting a book that could help me rekindle my magic touch in my journal-writing. I thought to myself what better way to revive one’s sense of literacy than reading a literature book. One of the literature books that I borrowed which interest me the most is called “A Novel in a Year” by Louise Doughty. Honestly, I’ve never even heard of her name before I found this book. While reading her book, I soon found out that she’s a novelist with an MA in literature who had written a few novels. Intrigued by the way the bolts and nuts of novel-writing is encapsulated in honest, frank words that made her writing seems effortless, I googled up her name to learn more about this novelist who appears alien to me. The google search result indicated that Louise Doughty is a British novelist and best of all one of her novels was internationally acclaimed. Like most of my Malaysian friends, I am more familiar with American novelists like John Grisham, Stephen King, Julie Garwood, Jude Deveraux and Danielle Steel, to name a few. Well, there are some non-American novelists who made it to stardom once their books were adopted into box-office movies, JRR Tolkien and JK Rowling for instance. I guess the Americans have succeeded in Americanising most nations of the world not only through the vast promotion of their movies, television series and goods but novels as well. The Americanisation of the world’s nations; now that’s something interesting that I should blog about in my next post. (or could it be me who's been blissfully ignorant of the existance of famous writers from other part of the world?)

Let’s go back to my recent book reading. As I progressively read the chapters of Doughty’s book, I begun to recall all the books that I had read, the impact that each books left and the wonderful memories that I could somehow relate with the narration. Reading this book made me feel as though reading is an endless process. I used to have a friend who claimed that he’d be a ‘nucking fut’ if he ever comes across books that he really likes. Unlike that particular friend of mine, reading has always been my favourite pastime since I was young. My interest in reading English novels however only commenced in my early teenage years which was a little later compared to most of my classmates back then. I could distinctly remember having my very first English novel at the age of 13, the most precious birthday gift my father had ever bought me. It was one of Nancy Drew’s infamous series of investigation novel. As far as I can remember, I was really hooked on to the novel that I found it hard to put it down. That always happened to me whenever I started to read a good novel. I love novel-reading primarily because well-written novels had constantly drifted me into the fantasy world as narrated by the novelist. That wonderful feeling of for once being taken away from reality has always been a good remedy for a bad gloomy day in my real life. Whenever I come to the final page of the novel, I’d found myself thinking that no matter how hopeless things may seem in reality, there is always a golden hope for good things to happen in my life, provided that I don’t get tired and bored of trying to work things out. My point is; get yourself a good book to read. You’ll be amazed at how the fantasy world created by those brilliant novelists could lift up your spirit. It may not be of any relevant to you, but it’ll do you good.

Goodbye 2007

2007-12-28T16:38:00.000Z

In just a few days time, the year 2007, will be leaving us behind as we head towards yet another new year. Each New Year, some of us will be cracking their heads and think of their resolutions for the New Year. Some, would even come up with a long list of what they’d like to change for the betterment of themselves or even the world we’re living in. I remember when I was younger, a few years before I hit puberty to be exact, one of my classmates asked me about my resolutions for the New Year. Back then, I didn’t even know the meaning of the word ‘resolution’, in fact that was the first time I’d ever heard of the word. My schoolmate then told me her version of the meaning of ‘new year’s resolution’. Once I learnt what it means, I started to make a short list of things that I’d like to do in order to achieve my personal achievements. Like most of my classmates, I strictly adhered to my resolution but only for a mere second! As soon as the excitement of having a new year’s resolution wore out, I’d go back to my undisciplined character.

My innocent enthusiasm of listing New Year’s resolution has long gone as I grow older. I guess the eagerness of coming up with a list of ‘things to do’ has slowly diminished as my so-called friends walked out of my life and moved on with theirs. Nowadays, New Year to me seems like just another year that flies by within the flick of an eye. Sometimes it felt like it was only yesterday that I had left school and stepped into the varsity. At times, I find it hard to convince myself that I’d left my schooldays for more than a decade! It’s even harder sometimes to believe that most of my schoolmates are now happily married and blessed with children. Within the next few years, my children and the children’s of my schoolmates will continue the same legacy that we had left and repeat the similar cycle of life that we and our predecessors had once gone through only this time the phases will be improvised as the future generation learns the mistakes made by their elders.

p/s: Happy New Year to all!

a quick note

2007-12-14T16:17:00.000Z

Last couple of weeks, one of my companion who frequents this blog of mine, commented that I seem to have lost some of my touch of literacy. When I re-read my past updates before I long-abandoned this blog, and compared them against the posts that were recently published, I hate to admit that my friend was right. I did lose some of my literature sense. To be honest, I could think of a few excuses that might be used as the contributing factors to my deteriorating writing quality. Firstly, there's this blog where I am unofficially appointed as the editor-in-chief. I have been helping my life partner with his journal-like-blog of his profession; my role is to ensure that his posts are grammatically correct, free of spelling errors, and most of all to transform ordinary writings into a good piece of literature. Go to this link and I'm pretty sure you'll discover that the sense of literature in most of the posts published is similar to my writings. Secondly, the fact that this blog had been neglected for quite sometimes, had greatly cost me into losing some of my priceless magic touch (according to my partner). Next, I haven't been able to read novels like I used to. Instead, lately I have become my children's reading companion every night before they go to sleep. If you're a loyal reader of my blog (not that I have many visitors), you'll notice that most of the sentences composed in my recent updates are in simple form with many simple words unlike my previous posts. When I complained to my partner about my friend's comment, he simply suggested that I should read more novels and books. I guess I could use a good reading book or novel to help me rekindle my sense of literacy.

Fancy living abroad?

2007-12-04T21:48:00.000Z

When one is told of one's friend/acquaintance/colleague who study/live abroad, one would feel envious for the once-in-a-life-time opportunity that the other person gets and consider him/her as very fortunate cause it's not like everyday one would land a chance to live in a foreign land. Often than not, people tend to equate those studying/living abroad with luxurious living condition. I'm pretty sure that anyone especially those who have never set foot out of their country would easily fall under the spell of all wonderful and fancy stories that their emigrant friend brought home. Who in their rightful mind wouldn't want to have the privilege of driving fancy cars, travelling all over Europe, and getting decent pay in foreign currency? I was once among those who were charmed and lured by those wonderful fantasies. Little did I know that what lies ahead of me in the foreign land is beyond my fancy imagination.

As I set foot on the land that had once conquered my home land, I started to fantasize living in a tiny English home with a picturesque view in the background, driving a European-made car (which was way too pricey back home) to the city, and having my dream job. My jaws dropped in awe as I watched the clear blue sky and admired the English houses along our drive to an unfamiliar destination. I kept telling myself, "this is it, this is what I've always dreamt of; being in the country that my dad always looks up to". I was confident that I would easily adjust myself to the new place and I wouldn't feel awkward at all to be apart of the new society. My 15-minute day-dream then was shattered into pieces as the hired-car made a halt and parked by the sidewalk of my new home.

Our new home is an old terraced-house with a small garden that overlooks the public park. I told myself, "this ain't that bad after all", but the reality that was about to hit me was even worse. The house is also occupied by a couple of Polish couples. "We don't actually rent the whole house", my hubby said to me. He then showed me the room where we would be living in. The room was rather small for a family of four to fit in. I had no choice but to oblige. After having my first meal in a foreign land, we went to shop for groceries. I was yet to be hit by another shocking reality; our transportation. Our primary mode of transportation is our two feet. For the first time since my university years, I had to walk to the nearest supermarket. It felt like the longest walk, ever. The supermarket is about 15-minute walk from our home. When I first walk there, I thought it was too far and I found it very tiring. The big whiner in me couldn't stop from silently whimpering about the inconvenient truths that I had just learnt within my short arrival.

But that was five months ago when I found it hard to live without owning a car and living in our own house. By now I learn that living abroad is not always filled with lavish lifestyle. It may be true for newly-weds who are about to start family life and have no financial obligations (or should I say 'zero overhead'). In my case, being abroad is rather full of hardship and sacrifices that my hubby and I had to make in order to gain a better future for our children. I've never seen my children enjoy going to school as much as they do here. They never whine about going to school, instead they always look forward to it. Every time I pick them up at school after work, they would complain about me fetching them so soon. They keep saying that there's so much thing that they want to do in school. Hearing them complain about not spending enough time in school made me feel glad and grateful that my hubby and I took the decision to leave behind all that we have in Malaysia and go through another hardship, just to get the best education for our children.

The dangerous mind of mine

2007-12-03T23:19:00.000Z

About a year or so ago, I used to regularly update this little blog of mine which I treat like my personal journal with thoughts that I have on my mind. An inconvenient incident which happened while I was pursuing my post-graduate studies, had abruptly cut short my passion to blog any more and made me realise that it'd be best if I keep my thoughts to myself. When I come to think of the tragedy that torn the relationship between me and my study acquaintances, it wasn't the first instance for such thing to happen to me. According to my forgetful mind, a few months before I quit from my last employment, one of the posts that I published in this blog, had offended a colleague who was about to become a good friend of mine. My relationship with her ended immediately after she read what I'd published. I have never realised that my blunt posts could hurt the heart of others. My entries in this blog have never been intended to hurt or offend anybody in anyways. They're plainly records of my thoughts and feelings for the day. I'm never good at confronting people about how I feel or what I think about something, I express myself better at writing though. The funniest part is, I've never mentioned names of the person involved yet they somehow felt that the entries were intended for them to read. There's a saying in my first language for this kind of situation, "siapa makan cili dia yand terasa pedasnya".

I guess my hubby was right after all about my opinionatedness that could eventually hurt many hearts. Like I've mentioned in my previous posts, I was never good at keeping friends since I was young. My mama always thought me that the best company that one can have is one's family. I'm not sure whether I should agree or disagree. In certain circumstances, I must admit that my family is the most precious and invaluable thing to me. They're also the closest person to me (after myself and God) in the whole wide world. I was not really surprised to find that my family were the only people at the airport on the night our flight departed from my home land to England. What surprised me though was seeing the presence of two of my coursemates on that night. It was even more surprising to receive a special farewell gift from them. I couldn't thank them more for being such good friends and for that, I intend to keep this two new friends of mine who accept me the way I am, and can tolerate my blatantness at times.

After thoroughly weighting the pros and cons of publishing journal-like posts on this blog, I have come to a conclusion that I should resume blogging my toughts. However, I need to be more careful now with the words that I use in my writings. I couldn't directly pen down every little thing that I have on my mind and post them here. Instead, I have to be less personal and wisely translate my thoughts into a general storyline which may be addressed to everyone without having anyone in particular but may happen to anyone as they go about with their daily routine.

it's been a while...

2007-03-28T02:16:00.000+01:00

i've been busy lately with my study especially now that i'm in my final semester. it's almost end of march and we're heading into april very soon and not long after that may and soon june. and with God will, i'll be flying off to England by end of june. i cant wait for that moment, the moment when i step on the plane to be reunited with my beloved hubby and my eldest son. i really miss them.

separation is hard...

2007-01-31T00:43:00.000Z

it's been a while since the last time i updated this blog of mine. the primary reason would be because of my hubby's coming back to msia for xmas & new year holiday. my kids & i had the chance to spend his three-week off-time by going to places that we had also wanted to go. we went from temerloh to penang to genting highlands and port dickson. and not to mention kl's main attractions like istana budaya where we watched a musical theater, and definitely the place where the animals of the sea are exhibited; aquaria. we had so much fun together & took so many pictures of us at the places that we went to.

after three weeks of holidaying, my hubby had to head back to manchester. once again, we were gonna be separated by the 13,000 miles distance and this time, the separation was even worse as my eldest son would be following my hubby back to manchester. on the night when my youngesnt son & i sent both of them to klia, my sons seemed happy especially my eldest son since this is his first long-haul flight and he knew that he'd be going to england, the place where you can find snow. both were so happy upon the sight of an airplane.

they didnt realise of what was coming ahead of their joy. they never that msia and england are so far from each other though time and time again i kept reminding my eldest that he'll be so far away from the home land. my eyes filled with tears as i kissed and hugged my eldest son but i fought the tears from running down on my cheeks upon seeing his cheerful face. my sons exchanged goodbyes and waved happily while i on the other hand was so sad to see my eldest son & hubby made their way to the boarding gate. my sons didnt realise that they'll be separated for quite a long time from one another. they never knew that they wont be meeting each other (physically) for at least six months from the day the flight took off.

my hubby and i felt sorry that we had to separate our two sons who are very very close to each other. they always comforted each other whenever they were scolded. they were always protective of one another. i remember one time when we went back to my hubby's hometown in penang, a cousin of my hubby who's only two years old hit my eldest son with a toy. my eldest son didnt fight back but cried. my youngest son then grabbed the skinny little boy's arm and hardly pinched the boy. this is just a mere example of their close brotherhood.

right now, i cant wait to finish my studies so that i can take my youngest son to manchester in the soonest time cause this separation is slowly killing our souls. i cant hardly wait for the day when we board our flight to manchester to be with the other half of us who are awaiting us there.

system is shutting down

2006-11-27T23:22:00.000Z

pernah tak korg rase ill-separated as u guys go thru ur daily routine? dalam mase terdekat ni, that's how i feel. my systems started to hay wire ever since he left. i couldnt think or eat or do anything. at times, i'd just blankly stare at the family portraits hung on the wall as i feel my heart drop. most of the times, i feel like crying myself to sleep all day long. and as the separation period gets longer, the wound gets deeper and more of my body systems are shutting down with each day that passes.

i always thought i was a strong, indipendent person. to some people i may seem strong on the surface, but deep inside i'm very vulnerable especially when it concerns the closest person to me. i've never been this close to anyone, usually i'd keep myself to myself. i guess that's why i'm taking my separation with the closest guy to me, very very hard. i'm just counting the days for him to return home. i miss u so much, baby.

Why are we (human beings) so different from one another?

2006-11-24T03:15:00.000Z

When I first enroll for a master’s degree with a business graduate school, my only goal was to complete the course and be qualified with that certificate. I could vividly recall the day when I filled up the application form. There was a column asking why I would like to sign up for the course. I wrote that I wanted to specialize in training and development as I’m a people-oriented person. I have passion in meeting with different people to exchange thought and ideas and hopefully improve and educate them with new knowledge or expertise and I believe that being in training and development department would give me the opportunity to realize my passion.

Along my enrolment, sometimes it occurred to me if any of those subjects thought during the course would be off benefit to me and the people that I will eventually work with. I couldn’t really relate them with the real world situation. But as I learnt the different theories of motivation in my courses, I’ve just realized that human beings apart from physical difference, they also have varieties of wants and needs in their life that sort of alter and evolve from time to time. Let’s take a university student who has just graduated. After the convocation ceremony, he will start his job hunt, so his driving force is to get himself employed. Once he’s employed and got his first salary, he’ll start working diligently to better perform at his work which sometimes is driven by the hope of getting an increment or the very least some sense of acknowledgement from the employer. After an increment, he’ll work his way to get a promotion which is usually awarded with sense of empowerment and authority. But, let’s say the country is under economic downturns or the organisation is downsizing, his driving force to work is into securing his job in the organisation.

Sometimes I just don’t understand human being; us, the people. I can’t help but wonder what exactly do we really want in our life? Why do these needs and wants vary and progress or regress from time to time? Are we unsure of what we want? Why don’t we just stick to only 1 type of want or need so that we can stop complicating our life?

The theories that I learnt differ from one to another. some theory indicated that we have certain number of needs, some theory claimed a different number of needs and some theory said something else about human driving forces. I guess all the different theories point to one important lesson; the nature of human creation itself is unique compared to other non complex species. Each individual within the homo sapien species is different from one to another hence we’re all individually unique. Have you ever come across any two persons in the world with identical thumb print? Even identical twins who are copy cat of one another which are identical in their physical features have unique thumb prints.

This is just one point that relates to our different needs. What about our needs that vary from time to time? The homo sapien lifehood is more complicated than the animals, or plants or any other species. When other species lifecycle is just to breed, eat, sleep, rest, and soon die, human on the other hands have certain varying goals to attain as they progress from the day the were born till the day they die. And along this long adventurous journey they have to learn and adapt to the many different hoods ie childhood, adulthood, neighborhood, brotherhood, parenthood and the other related hoods before their last breath. The complicated life cycle equipped with a complex brain, I think are some of the factors that lead to the different and varying needs and wants.

Most of the acclaimed philosophers and scientist were and are so interested in finding out our varying needs and understanding how these needs could be fulfilled. Have they ever wondered why each of the homo sapien species is created to be different and unique from one to another? As a person who’s raised religiously, I was informed by my religious teachers that we are created unique so that we’d try to understand each other and learn more from one another instead of treating others indifferently despite our differences. Long ago I didn’t quite get it, but now as I learn more about human attributes, I begin to understand them and I learn to respect their different physical characters as well as their needs which are sometimes contrary to mine.

I’m not sure if those renowned philosophers and scientist were thinking what I’ve at the back of my mind right now. It makes me worship the God more for His Greatness. I don’t even know if any of their findings have made them wonder how could such a complex living creature exist without being created by a Holy creator? Did it ever occur to them that the Darwin’s evolution theory about human is wrong? Isn’t it obvious that we could never exist without first being created by God? There is no such thing as accident in living creature’s existence. Shouldn’t our complex life cycle, unique identities, and sophisticated body system be evident enough that there must be a something that create such beautiful living thing? If their empirical and scientific researches didn’t unveil the faith of God, I can only empathize them for their blissful unawareness. Well, I’m not a preacher. I’m just an ordinary human being who tries to relate our varieties of needs, and differences to the nature of human creation.

Without you...

2006-10-30T18:42:00.000Z

A lot of things had happened since my hubby decided to work in Manchester. The first thing was my resignation. I quit my job mainly because I couldn’t handle everything on my own, which is juggling between being a good employee, an attentive mother, a great home maker and excellent student. A week after my ‘self-termination’, (that was the term that the HR manager of my former employer used when she was addressing my resignation matter with my team leader) I updated my other blog with a post commenting about the way my coursemates were treating me.

Whenever I post an update to any of my blogs I would deliberately write everything and anything that was running in my head, my mind and get them out of my chest. Ain’t it obvious? It’s my blog, it’s up to me to decide on the kind of topics that I’d want to share with the readers (though I know that not many would wanna read it). It’s not like I explicitly type out the name(s) of the person(s) I was talking about. Was it wrong for me to express my feelings? As I was typing that particular post, that topic was the most disturbing agenda that I had in my mind and my chest. I didn’t know who, how or where to let it out to. My blogs are my only means of exploding my rampage mind to others. At least, I never let it out loud to their faces. May be, I should have done that instead. All I asked for was some empathy, but none was given. After that blatant post on my blog went through to one of them, I sensed negative vibes around them. I pretended as if nothing happened. To avoid that unhealthy ambience, I decided to finish the assignment on my own instead. Long story short, the completion of the assignment was worthwhile as the professor gave us credit for it. He really liked the presentation.

Then, just a few days before I sit for the semester’s final exam, one of them informed me that they found that particular post on my blog was rather disturbing. So what if I wanted to comment them on their ‘kind’ remark towards me? I just needed someone to listen to my twists and turns. Is that so hard for them to do? I tried explaining my mishaps once or twice but none seemed to care or even listened. I felt like I was chased away when one commented, “why didn’t you go off with your hubby?” After all the explanation about how costly it would be to study abroad, one could still come out with that remark. I just don’t understand why some people never try to understand other people’s hardship in life. I guess my hubby was right about everyone being selfish. Almost every person that I know only cares about their feelings and frustrations without thinking of others, and not even once that they tried to understand my situation.

On the night of my final paper for that semester, my hubby’s mother called. I returned her call just after I walked out the exam hall. She informed that she and her husband were in the neighbourhood and asked if I would want her to pick up my boys from the baby sitter’s place. I said yes. And soon after, I met them at their place. They bought baju raya for my kids. We chatted as I enjoyed the meal they prepared. For the very first time during my six years of marriage, I’ve found a topic that we could comfortably talk about; my hubby’s working abroad. I’ve been longing for this moment, the time when I could finally see eye to eye with them. All this while I’ve been snobbish, and now that my hubby’s 17,000 kms away from me, it made me realized that they’re the closest persons that connect me to my hubby. To my beloved hubby, your going away may have been the greatest lost now but it has brought you, me and the kids so much closer to your parents and your entire family.

Since you were gone...

2006-09-20T08:07:00.000+01:00

I'm so indulged in my new role as 'almost single stay at home mom' that I haven't been able to update this little blog of mine. It's been approximately eight weeks since my hubby depart to Manchester. I never thought that I'd miss him this much. And with everyday that passes by without my hubby being physically there for us, my eldest son, Han is becoming more and more like him. It never occurred to me or my hubby that our eldest will pick up my hubby's artistic attribute; drawing talent. I never imagined that my 5-year old son can actualy draw. When he was younger, he never really shown his interest or talent to draw. He was just like any other boy his age when they hold on to pencils; they scribble.

Ever since my hubby started working in Manchester, Han has somehow developed a liking to draw. He'd spend most of his spare time at home drawing compared to his younger brother Nine who prefers reading books. Han usually draws anything that pops into his head, most of his drawings are sketches of objects that he sees. For intance, yesterday he found is old coloring book with illustration of dinosaurs on the cover. He looked at the picture, and tried to imitate it. Han's ability always amazes me, but today is extra special. His school teacher told me that my son is good at drawing. She asked me if he does the same at home, I plainly told her yes and I told her that my hubby is blessed with the same gift as Han. She told me that she was amazed with his drawing and what really amazed me was that, there's a story behind the picture that he drew.

The picture that Han drew was some sort of map of direction to the Jusco Mall where I took him and his younger brother to, last weekend. Han explained to his teacher about the place that he had gone to, that I drove him there. Eventually, he remembers everything that happened last weekend and he could actually put it down on a sheet of paper. When he got home, he drew his aunt's college; the place that we stopped by before going to the mall. I don't know how to describe my pride for having a boy like my eldest son, Azhan. He's the best gift from God that I've ever had. Not so talkative, quite sensitive young boy, reliable and sometimes helpful. Now that my hubby isn't around, Azhan is the one who's been helping me to clean up the house everytime his little brother messes their toys.

Enough is enough!

2006-08-08T10:00:00.000+01:00

This is the 4th week my hubby has been away from our homeland since his depart to Manchester on July 16th. Only God knows how much I miss him. It’s been tough for me to deal with my usual routine without my hubby to lend a helping hand. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining about it since he’s only realizing my dream of being abroad. The only factor that is delaying my departure to join him is my studies. I thought of pursuing my studies there, somewhere closer to my hubby but due to the enormous school fees in the UK, I decided to complete my master’s degree here.

Life has been very difficult and challenging without him around. I’ve to handle every single little thing on my own. From handling the kids to households, everything becomes my responsibility now. Not to mention my other commitments like work and studies. As days go by I felt like the responsibilities became more burdening and greater with every tick of the seconds. So, last week, I said to myself, “this is it. I’ve had enough of juggling everything under my belt. I could’ve done it before because my hubby was here to ease the burden. I’ve to face the fact that each commitment is eating up my precious time with my kids. This has got to stop.” After some discussion (and a lil’ argument with my ever dearest hubby), I decided to terminate my self from committing to work (which eventually doesn’t improve career advancement) and concentrate on my studies (which I really enjoy doing) and attend to my kids’ growing needs.

Some of my colleagues were wondering the reason for my resignation. Some even thought that I got better offer elsewhere. I plainly told them that I just wanna focus on my studies and my family. I believe by quitting the job, I’d have ample time to study and spend time with my two boys. My resignation was also due to the fact that I miss my hubby so much. I do hope that with my termination, I’d be able to finish off my master’s degree at least, 1 semester earlier than scheduled, so I could join my beloved hubby earlier than we expected.

*peeps, pls pray that I do well for all my exams so I could be with my hubby. (sob sob)

back to reality

2006-07-04T12:14:00.000+01:00

I've just got back from a one-week Eurotrip organised and sponsored by my hubby. We went to the most romantic city; Paris, stayed at a grand hotel overlooking the arch de triumph; hotel splendid etoile. Thanks so much Abg Sayang for making my dream a reality. The weather was fine in Paris, not too chill and not too hot, I really love the cool breeze despite the bright sunshine.

The most memorable moment spent in Paris would be our dinner at the infamous Eiffel tower which was followed by cruise along the river. We crossed all the 39 bridges in Paris. We watched the locals spend their summer along the river banks. Some were camping out, others were picnicking and there were even those who conducted dancing lesson there. My my, what a view. My hubby & I agreed that KL metropolitans should make full use of the rivers in KL. It could be a new place to hang out besides the mushrooming shopping complex. We didn't spend so much time on sightseeing as the main attractions are palaces and museums. According to our tour guide, there are about 59 museums all over Paris. That's a hell lot of museums and I was never interested in museums. To me, they are nothing but places with historical exhibits.
I haven't been able to upload the pictures taken in Paris as my hubby's USB cable had gone missing. I guess we'd have to buy a replacement for the cable.

After a couple of days spent in Paris, we headed to London via the Eurostar train. The journey took about 2 hours before we arrived at London's Waterloo station. London was damn hot (tapi xde la sepanas Cyberjaya). We didn't do much sightseeing since I was more eager to shop in London :D plus my hubby had been there before. We did take the Big Bus tour though, you know just to get a better pict of London and the places of interest around it. The most unforgettable event during my trip to London was the EuroPride parade. I couldn't help but wonder, what ever happened to their sanity that they end up being what they are. I prayed to God, please don't ever let such thing happen in my home land.

p/s: to view some of the picts taken go to anidraw.fotopages

Down with flu

2006-06-12T10:55:00.000+01:00

I’ve been down with flu fever for the past few days. It’s been a while since the last time the flu germ infected my immunity system. I could think of some influential factors that caused the flu germ attack; first of, a week before the attack a close course mate of mine from the graduate school was sick with flu during our presentation day; the second factor would be our visit to Penang. My family and I went back to the Pearl Island to visit my husband’s family. It was damn hot back in the island, I think it could have been more than 34oC. I had never experience that kind of heat during any of our previous visit to Penang. After a few hours of arrival in Penang, we felt sore in our throats. A couple of days later, when we got home, the flu germ started to become inevitably visible.

Falling sick with flu fever had always been a nightmare to me. Whenever I’m down with the infamous influenza fever, I realized that I would not only influence me physically but also spiritually. I would be ill spirited cause the disease sort of shut down my entire body system especially the respiratory and when one of my nostrils is blocked, I couldn’t think straight which then would only demotivate me from doing anything and not to mention the heavy dosage of flu pills and cough syrups which cause drowsiness that may lead to falling asleep at work. Why do I have to make a big fuss about falling sick with flu? Well, my current situation doesn’t permit me to have the good old sleep as I’ve got tonnes of paper work to be completed for my studies. The long good night sleep caused by the medication had actually delayed some of the assignments. It then affected the rest of my group mate since it was a group assignment. I felt bad about causing such delay to my group.

At the moment, I'm in the battle against time as I'm really running out of time with 1 very important paper work to be completed and three enormous (i may exagerate d description of 1 text book but the rest are quite thick) text books to be read, understood & revised within a less than a week. Wish me luck, people as I'm in dire need of luck...

Sejambak bunga seharum wangian

2006-05-22T06:45:00.000+01:00

Rasenye dh lame sgt tak m’update blog ni. Entah la mengapa, tp rasenye sbb terlalu sebok dgn study dan keje. Plus, my studies require me to do a lot of writings for the endless assignments, case studies and term papers. This could be one factor why I’m a lil’ bit lazy to write anything, maklumlah dh t’lalu byk rsnye nukilan b’btk ilmiah yg dihasilkan sepjg semester ni (ade unsur2 riak di situ, :D)

Kalu nk diikutkn mmg agak t’lewat utk mengucapkn Selamat Hari Ibu buat semua ibu di dunia. But I guess it’s not too late to thank and express my sincerest and deepest gratitude to my hubby and my 2 wonderful sons for the beautiful bouquet and the set of par fume that I’ve always wanted. I never thought that my hubby would personally hand it to me. Thanks B, really appreciate it. I really love those gifts. Tahun depan bagi lagi, bole? Kalu ade rezeki, I’ll pick those flowers myself when me and the kids join you in Bury. :D

Oh ya, on that very same day that I got the bouquet, I also received some beautiful tulips from a long lost friend. A very good friend of mine whom I haven’t met for the past 15 years and a friend I’ve been searching for quite sometimes. To my dear friend, thank you for the beautiful and colorful tulips. I do hope that we could stay friends forever. Hopefully, we could finally meet when I’m in your town, soon... tungggguuuuuu

Buat sume ibu di dunia, Selamat Hari Ibu. Utk mak yang tersayang, yang telah melahirkn dan membesarkn saya sepanjang saya di bawah tangggungan mak, terima kasih di atas segala-galanya. Budi mak tak mungkin dapat dibalas dgn wang ringgit. I could tell the hard times you had to go thru to have me, and the countless sleepless nights that you had to put up with just to attend to me. I realized it now since I’ve got my own sons to attend to and worry about. Once again, terima kasih mak. Sayang mak...

Nuisance vs. Pain in the 'arse'

2006-04-26T07:01:00.000+01:00

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about ME. Someone very close to me had recently labeled me as nothing but a pain in the ‘arse’. Is that what I really am? Nothing but a great nuisance and pain in the ass? Is that how I am perceived by some people? Nothing but a pain in the ass? Sometimes I simply buy what ever some people think or say about me just to cut short the argument.

I guess there are even times when I think that what people say about me is true. May be I’m one BIG pain in the ass. May be that is the closest thing that resembles or represents me. May be that is the main reason why I don't have my own circle of friends, cause everybody would jump and say I'm such a nuisance in their lives. What if it is true that I aint nothing but a nuisance? How should I keep on living knowing the fact that I'm nothing but a pain..........?

p/s: SOS. I aint okay.

Biarlah rahsia

2006-04-24T09:41:00.000+01:00

I've been crazy over this song from Siti Nurhaliza. It somehow speaks for me...

Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika
Berada di tempatku
Membayangkan pahit manis berlalu
Entah siapa yang tahu

Mungkin nanti kau jua merasakan
Berdepan dengan kata menyesakkan
Takkan tugumu kebal
Tiada pertimbangan

(Korus)
Keheningan malam membangunkan
Kepayahan jiwa meluahkan
Andai kau jujur memahami
Tiadaku menjauhi
Dan kisahku yang masih panjang
Menambahkan berat yang memandang
Lantas ku pendam
Ku putuskan biarlah rahsia

(Bridge)
Semakin aku hidup dalam cinta
Tiada kuasa mampu menghalangnya
Hentikan kata-kata
Bertulangkan dusta

(Ulang korus)
Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika
Berada di tempatku

p/s: I guess I'l be carrying the burden of this 'secret' till the end of my life

L.O.V.E

2006-04-21T06:57:00.000+01:00

I’ve been in love with this song by Ashlee Simpson ever since I heard it over the radio. What exactly love is? What does it mean? How does it affect or impact someone’s life? Believe it or not, every living creature needs love. Love is a very universal subject; you don’t need to be an expert or knowledge worker to fall in love or to feel love. You don’t even have to be a genius to figure out if your closed friend is in love. You could easily feel the breeze of love when your best friend talks about that special someone in his or her love.

Mind the so mushy, goofy or corny feeling you feel when you read this entry. Call me romantic or sentimental or what ever, but hey why should I give a damn about what others think of my blog. This blog is mine, it’s up to me to color it or shape it or lead it the way I want it.

Back to our main topic, L.O.V.E. Personally, I think love is such a wonderful feeling. The feeling that you have towards the people that you care for, the emotional attachment that you have for that so-called special someone or even for yourself and most important towards God. We should all be thankful and grateful to God for creating this special emotion that we have towards other living creatures.

I’ve always believed that love could do a lot of miracles and wonders in our life. It could somehow, lift up one’s spirit, light up one’s life, and ease one’s misery. It actually creates a feeling of comfort knowing that there’s somebody out there who cares for you and that you are still important in his or her life. I guess these are some of the many reasons why I have so much love for all my loved ones. In one way or the other, their existence in my life helps me go through the obstacles of life, peacefully. So to those of you who haven't found love, go find one, it may not always be love for your opposite gender but anyone close to you.

p/s: syg, love is in the air... can you feel it?

SEMUSIM

2006-03-23T01:06:00.000Z

Skang tgh suke dgr lagu Semusim, versi Zahid AF2. Suke giler...

SEMUSIM
semuanya tlah terjadi
cintaku telah pergidan kini kusendiri
tanpa dirimu lagi
tak mudah menepis cerita indah

Reff:
semusim tlah kulalui
tlah kulewati tanpa dirimu
tetapi bayang wajahmu
masih tersimpan dihati

tak pernah kubayangkan
kau putuskan cintaku.
ku coba tuk lupakan
semua tentang dirimu

tak mudah bagiku melupakan mu

Wonders of my life

2006-03-07T13:11:00.000Z

I’ve just noticed that none of my entry in this blog of mine has got a little something written about the two wonders of my life. Well, for this entry, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to write about my two wonderful boys. Well, it’s more about the eldest, to be exact.

I’ve just realised that I’ve been such a jerk for the past few weeks since my last entry. I didn’t only break my own heart but also the heart of those who love me. I’ve also noticed that I’ve never written much on the two wonders of my life; my two sons. In conjunction with my eldest son’s 5th birthday which is in the middle of March, I’m gonna write a little something about him.

He was born about five years ago when I was in the midst of finishing my final project and thesis. I decided to call him Han cause I kinda like the name ever since the first few months of pregnancy. It wasn’t that easy for me and my hubby to bring up our first child. Both of us had to sacrifice our desires and wants just to raise Han in the best way that we could afford. I won’t reveal all the rough and tough times that we went through in his upbringing, it’ll only make me cry everytime I recall those moments.

Long story short, our little Han has started school (kindergarten to be exact) since January ’06 and he’s catching up really fast in class. One specialty that I think Han possesses over his schoolmates is, Han can write with his both his left and right hands. Before he started schooling, my hubby and I were fully aware that Han is left-handed. We’d never trained or forced him in anyway to use his right hand. It wasn’t that easy though for a right-handed mama to teach a left-handed son to hold the pencil and teach him his ABCs. Now that Han’s in school, he uses both his left and right hands to write his ABCs or draw his favourite choo choo train, but his left-handedness is still prominent and dominant than his right.

My handsome Han is reliable and accountable. You see, I had my youngest son, Nine, when Han was about 22 months old. It was quite a small gap between my two boys. From the very 1st day of pregnancy, Han had shown signs of love towards his younger brother. Now that Han is almost 5 and Nine is 3 years, their brotherhood is growing stronger. Han is very close to Nine and they spend more time with each other than they do with either me or my hubby. It’s such a joy to watch their strong bonding. Han is always there for his brother, Nine. He’s much better at soothing his brother than I do.

From the way they interact and talk to each other, I could tell that they are very close to one another. They have very similar interest. I guess maybe Nine is trying as much as possible to emulate his brother. I’m very proud of my sons. I pray hard for them to achieve what they want in life.

Spilt milk...

2006-02-27T06:27:00.000Z

I once heard people said that the best way to learn a lesson is the hard way. I never believe in that crap till the day I learn it for myself. I must admit that it wasn’t my first experience yet I fail to recall it. I kept asking myself when would I learn not to repeat the same mistake over and over again. May be I just don’t have luck in friendship. May be I don’t belong to any group within the society. May be I was meant to spend the rest of my life crying over spilt milk.

Remember how I wish that I could unwind the clock, and undo those tragic moments of my life? I kept wishing that someday some evil genius would be able to invent the time travel machine so I could turn back time. If that ever become a reality, I have a long list of things that I’d like to be undone. I’d begin with my first few years of my secondary education, then I’d correct those steps I took when I was an undergraduate. Some people may perceive me as a dreamer, I guess they are right for once about me. I’m such a dreamer that I used to day-dream of being a fairy princess after reading a whole lot of fairy tales. I remember once I read a novel entitled, ‘knight in shining armor’, once I was done reading the book, I wish that someday if something really bad ever happen to me, a knight in shining armor would come to the rescue.

Let’s face the music, none of that would ever happen. A dream is just a dream. Sometimes, there are certain things in our life which are beyond our control. But there are also a number of things that are within our control for instance, making decision over a few options. We could analyse the pros and cons of a decision that we’re about to make, but in reality we could never really know if it would turn out the way we wished it would be.

I’m not really sure where is this entry leading, but one thing that I know for sure is that I was badly hurt recently. After the incident I felt like I’d lost half of my soul, and there was such a huge hollow inside me. I didn’t know for sure why the impact was really deep this time around. I guess next time, I’ve to be more careful with my words, I’ve got to think more than twice before I blurted them out. The only problem is that I find it hard to conceal what I was thinking. May be I’ve to learn to control my frankness or I’ll hurt more people and the person that I’ll be hurting most is myself.

IMAGINE

2006-01-17T01:17:00.000Z

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writen by: John Lennon

Life, unjust and unfair

2006-01-16T04:09:00.000Z

Early this morning as I was driving home from my hubby’s office, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of my fates of life, what had happened to me through out my 27 years of living. I couldn’t stop judging how unfair, unjust and cruel the world had been to me. I must admit that I feel envy of those who get the pleasure of enjoying the things that I couldn’t afford to do. For instance, I’v just discovered that a friend of mine who flunked his SPM is now in France for a four-year course, sent by the government to study on the water thingy. Could you imagine someone who didn’t get good school exam results could afford not to just go abroad but also stay there for up to 4 years. What ever happened to those who got better results? Yeah, they got offer to further their studies at local university but does the offer help them to secure a better job? This friend of mine who’s now in France is earning 1500 euro per month allowance. What about the so-called excel students? The best salary offer that they’ll get once they graduated is RM3k. Isn’t life unfair and unjust? I must admit that it’s up to God’s will, but I just couldn’t stop myself from judging life as cruel.

Not to mention, the renowned singer, Siti Nurhaliza. She flunked her SPM paper, but just take a look at where she is now. She’s travelling all over the world with her very minimal English speaking skill. Could you imagine how bad her English is? She couldn’t even differentiate between dimple and nipple – that’s how bad she is at English yet she had performed in the infamous Royal Albert Hall, London. I wouldn’t brag and say that my SPM was good, but at least I got 6As and got selected to join the crème of the cream programme. Where did I end-up? I could clearly recall someone telling me that education is vital, how it could change one’s fate and they keep saying that your future lies in your education. I used to believe in those craps, but now that I’ve grown up, I’v better judgement of life. My dad used to stress on the importance of mastering the English language, but does mastering the language get me anywhere abroad? Nope, it hasn’t got me anywhere but job-hopping ever since I graduated due to the advantage that I have over other Malay candidates.

I couldn’t help but wonder how do we measure one’s achievement? Living in the world where monetary power conquers, we should all admit that we tend to measure one’s achievement through their material belongings. We are all becoming more and more materialistic since that’s what the world has thought us for survival, money. Like it or not, we’re all becoming slaves of money. We’d do anything for the sake of MONEY. There are even people in our society who would kill for money. Most of us didn’t even realise that they’ve been conquered by their greed to get more and more MONEY. What value does money have? Come to think of it, it’s just a piece of paper with some notes on it, yet we’re all chasing it like maniacs. GOD, when will this madness for MONEY be stopped?

Facts of life

2006-01-09T00:58:00.000Z

Since the last few months, I noticed something really peculiar in my neighborhood. Each morning, there’s this elderly chinese couple who would go around my residential area on their ‘basikal tua’, digging into each household’s garbage bin, searching for recyclable rubbish. They’d arrange those recyclables that they managed to find on the ‘basikal tua’ at a stop before heading to the next garbage bin. Looking at their determination of performing their daily routine to win some bread and butter, I can’t help but wonder, don’t this elderly lady and her man have children or at least relatives that they could turn to, to seek for helping hands that could at least ease their burden? Could this be a new trend set by the youngsters, who don’t seem to give a damn about the elders in the society? Are our younger generations lack of ‘adab’ and ‘nilai-nilai murni’? Could it be that our society has evolved with the rapid technological advancements that each member of the society has become more self-centred, selfish, and insensitive of their surrounding?

I must admit that I’m amazed by the elderly couple’s determination despite their decaying strengths to gain their hard-earned money. I mean, they could have registered or signed up for the charity thingy held. Instead, this loving couple chose the hard way to win their bread and butter. I salute their effort of upholding their pride and dignity. I guess they’d rather starve than beg for food from others. I just don’t understand why would a number of people within our society (it’s really ashamed to admit that most of them are Malays) would let their pride and dignity down the drain just to earn fast, big, easy money. There are quite a number of beggars at the night market within my residential area, and I’m so embarrassed to find a normal, healthy looking lady in her 30s cradling her baby sitting in the middle of pathway, begging for money. Why couldn’t she think of other ways to earn money for her child? She’s young and healthy. Begging isn’t the best solution to feed her child.

When a couple of elders chose to dig into garbage bin as their main source of income, some young men chose to snatch ladies’ handbags instead. Whatever happened to our generations? Don’t they feel ashamed to learn that the elderly couple would go into the hassle of digging into smelly household disposables in order to collect the recyclables? These old folks should be resting at home, spending their time with their family and not in the streets, collecting recyclables trash. In contrast, the young men would go round the streets aiming for their next snatch victims that worth from RM50-3,000. Is that the price of their pride and dignity? Pride and dignity are two things that money can’t buy, but I guess maybe time has changed the value of the two.

Does this mean that I’m too old to adapt and cope with these changes? I know I’m growing older (hopefully more wiser too) but I’m sure that the value of pride and dignity shouldn’t decay with time. It should stay intact no matter what era where are in.

I'm not f**king OK

2006-01-04T09:34:00.000Z

This song has been playing in my head for all day long. Must be becoz I ain't feelin' okay today

I'm not okay - my chemical romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say
I never want to let you down or have you go
It's better off this way
For all the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
Remember when you broke your foot
From jumping out the second floor
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again
You sing the words but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you'd read me like a book
But the pages are all torn and frayed
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay
(Trust me)
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

*that bloody ass kisser is making my work-life sucks

Sayonara 2005

2005-12-28T07:36:00.000Z

In less than a week we’ll bid farewell to year 2005 and enter a new year, 2006. In less than a week we’ll have to start things in a new diary where we’ll witness a new chapter in our life. The clock seems to tick faster than it used to be since most of us are unaware of how rapid time flies by. It seemed like I had eldest son, Azhan yesterday yet, next Tuesday, Jan 3 2006 his kindergarten class would begin.

For the past 11 and three-quarter months, a number of things had happened in our life, may it be brightmoments or all sorts of different emotions and feelings towards the events, all the memories actually add spice to our life. Just like a Malay saying, ‘hidup ini ibarat roda, kadang di atas, kadang di bawah’. Many of us failed to see that those ups, downs, twists and turns actually make us wiser and become better persons cause we would have learnt something from the obstacles. Life ain’t always bed of roses, I’d say yet there are those moments that we treasured most that might have occurred in our life and believe it or not there are a number of people out there who live their lives with those beautiful memories to help them struggle their way out of poverty.

Before I enroll into the master’s programme, I never miss this charity-based tv programme, Bersamamu. I used to complaint about how unfortunate I was but watching the programme made me realized that they are quite a number of Msian are still living in poverty and I should have been grateful that I am much fortunate than them cause I’m employed with good wages and I’d never experienced shortage of food.

Frankly, I’m not really sure what does the Bersamamu series has got to do with saying goodbye to year 2005 but one thing that I know for sure is; no matter how unfortunate you felt you were in 2005, bear in mind that there are others who are more unfortunate than you. Who knows when the best of you will be unveiled, time and tide wait for no man nor woman. It’s up to us to change ourselves and it’s up to us to change the way we perceive our mishaps cause believe it or not we’ll never know for sure the ‘hikmah’ beneath the mishaps. After all, obstacles and mishaps are a part of spices that add flavours to our life. So, enjoy life while you can! Happy New Year!

Acquaintances vs Friends

2005-12-14T09:25:00.000Z

Benar lah kata org2 dulu kala, “kawan ketawa senang dicari, tp kawan menangis satu dlm seribu pon susah nk cari”. Last nite I started to realize that in my entire life, my one and only closest friend is my hubby. I wondered how life would be like without him. It’s not as if I don’t have any friends at all but I don’t think that I have any that can be considered as true friend. To me a true friend is someone who’s willing to stay in a friendship with me in facing any kind of circumstances especially during the downs, twists and turns.

There are a number of reasons that I use as excuses of not having a best friend for the past few years. The first and strongest excuse was the family barrier, you see my parents were and have always been very protective. I remember there was a time when my classmate rang me at home to ask me about the day’s homework. We only talked for about 20 to 30 minutes; my mom had started nagging me. This was her most popular line, “Kat skolah tak leh sembang ke?” She usually said it out loud that my friend could hear her nag in the back. So, to keep her mouth shut I ended up not having close and not to mention best friend during my early school days. The people closest to me back then were my siblings.

Second reason is also related to my family, the way I was brought up to be specific. My parents and grandpa have always taught me to be independent. They taught me that the person who knows us best is ourselves. They had cultivated this belief that no matter what happens to me, the only person who is willing to reach out and lend a helping hand is myself. The second person that I could rely on according to them is my family.

I could say that I’m not so friendly type of person cause I have this phobia of getting close to a person and losing that person someday in my life. It happened to me once when I was in secondary school. I was quite close to this Chinese girl. I enjoyed her company but we lost touch when she moved to different school. I tried to get reach of her, but she her cold response disappointed me. From that moment on, I knew that my mom was right about friendship.

When I moved to a boarding school, I found it hard to cope and adapt the culture cause everyone seem to be heading anywhere in pairs. I was still keeping myself alone. It was an awkward for the rest of them upon learning that I didn’t have a buddy to keep me company wherever I went. I figured it was an advantage for me cause I didn’t have to wait on for someone else to go to class or any other activities that we had to attend. I could clearly recall one of my dorm mates’ nag about me going somewhere on my own. She was worried if anything happened to me, no one would realize my absence. She was telling me this when she got to know that I would usually go to the bathroom alone in the middle of the night. I told her that I’d rather be there alone than waking up any of them and finding out that the person that accompanied me was not a real person (a ghost).

I always believe that I’m not so fortunate when it comes to friendship. Even after leaving school, I still found it hard to get a buddy who would keep me company during my university years. I’d rather head to class alone than waiting up for others. Somehow during my years of studies, I got to know someone whom I considered quite close to me, my housemate who was also my course mate. I figured I had to be close to her because we were in the same course. She was quite furious when she got to know that I once walked back alone to our hostel all the way from college. As I said earlier, I was always unfortunate in friendship. Once we graduated, we headed back to our respective hometowns and from that point on we drifted apart. We are still in touch but the closeness was never there.

I remember once I had to make distress calls to a number of all the so-called friends. It all happened when my car tire punctured. The first person that I rang was none other than my hubby. Unluckily, my hubby was at his office, some 35 minutes away from where I was. It was almost dusk, I didn’t what to do. Since my phone batter was running low, I sent distress SMS stating that my car tire punctured and I needed help to a number of people listed in my phone’s address. I almost burst to tears when none of them responded. I then found myself desperate and needed urgent respond so I called up a friend whom I knew in college. She told me that she was working outstation so I decided, desperate situation called for desperate measure. I asked her how could I replace the punctured tire with the spare one. She told me the steps of removing the punctured tire. When I was in the midst of changing the tire, a motorbike rider with his friend stopped by to offer help. At first I was a bit reluctant cause I was paranoia especially with all the road rage cases reported. With paranoia conquering my senses I quickly rang my hubby to let him know that a couple of men were helping me, just in case should anything bad happened to me my hubby would be aware of my whereabouts. I was surprised when the help offered was genuine and touched by their honesty.

As I was driving back home, I learnt the most important lesson in life, “kawan menangis memang susah dicari”. I was really disappointed and sad upon learning that none of the people in my phone’s address were my friend. Could you imagine none out of twenty in the list responded? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? One thing that struck me the most was some of them were staying nearby to the place where I was stranded yet they couldn’t give any feedback. Is it always hard to help others in need? I guess acquaintances would only consider one as their friends when one is surrounded by wealth and fame. ‘Mase tu sume orang nak menempek kat kekayaan dan name orang tadi.’ That’s the fact of life. And the most shocking findings from the incident was, (sorry I had to say this out loud, baby) even my so-called beloved hubby wasn’t there to help me out, instead two strangers in their factory uniforms genuinely lent helping hands. I kept telling myself that I must find those two guys to reward them, Malays said, “hutang budi dibawa mati” and I don’t think that I’ll ever forget that. It’ll only be buried with my dead body.

tight schedule

2005-12-13T06:22:00.000Z

I've been so busy with work plus other responsibilites as a wife, mother and latest gradute student. My tight schedule doesn't allow me to do most of the things that I used to do for leisure.

Got to go. Have an urgent task to finish before end of the day.

Dream

2005-12-02T06:35:00.000Z

Last nite I had the scariest dream ever. I dreamt of being a ‘pontianak’, the Malay version of vampire. It ain’t the 1st time I had this kind of dream; dream of becoming a ghost and there had been a number of version on how I became one. But last nite’s version was the scariest. It all happened when I went back to my kampong. It was pass midnight. All the relatives were busy preparing goodies for Hari Raya. My two cousin sisters happened to see a couple of pontianak passing by. I was distracted from doing my chores when my cousins giggled. I asked them about what they were looking at that made them giggle. They told me about the pontianak and pointed the whereabout of the pontianak. I peeked thru the holes in the wall, and quickly ducked when I realized that the pontianak were aware that they were being watched. I told my cousins about it, we were shocked. We tried to close the windows and door that were wide opened, but the pontianak were faster than us. They got into the house when the door was about to be closed.

The pontianak promised that they wouldn’t do harm to us with one condition; one of us had to be sacrificed. They instructed on what to do for the selection of candidate to be sacrificed. I’d say the process of selection was rather unique. We were asked to dance in certain way. The instruction was really quick and short that I couldn’t comprehend causing me to fail in performing the dance as they wanted. The pontianak pointed at me and said they were going to take me away. I was crying my heart out. My hubby tried to protect me from being taken but my relatives were holding him back and said that it was for the safety of others.

I didn’t really know the purpose of the sacrifice process. I thought the pontianak were going to eat me up. They then told me that they were going to turn me into a pontianak. I couldn’t recall how I became one of them. My entire life totally changed with this transformation. They treated me like a slave, I was always forced to serve them with victims for their dinner. I kept thinking of my hubby and my two children. One night, I went back to my used to be home just to have a look at my family. I saw my hubby and kids watching videos of me. I saw how they missed me as much as I missed them. One footage broke me to tears. The footage was recorded on the night I was taken away from my family. I watched how my hubby was held back by my relatives as the pontianak took me away. I saw how I cried my heart out, I saw what I used to be and how I looked like. I saw how my children repeatedly asked my hubby to keep playing the video about me. I tried to touch my hubby and children but my hands couldn’t reach them.

I woke up from the scariest nightmare with tears running down my cheeks. I quickly called my hubby who I haven’t seen in two days just to check on him. I told him about my dream and how I much I love him and my kids. I told him that I don’t wanna lose any of them.

This scariest dream made me realized how precious my family is to me. I used to think that I could live without my family. I guess I was wrong. I now know that I could never live without them.

Dear God, please don’t take my family away from me, don’t take me away from them either and please don’t tear us apart. I could never live without them.

The end of long, endless day dream

2005-11-28T03:34:00.000Z

November 14th `05 is a historical day for me. It was the day I officially become a graduate student with the pledge-taking as one of the newly registered graduate students in a local public university. I’m overwhelmed with excitement when I come to think that I’m back in school again after three years of leaving student days. Whilst on the other hand, with the new status and responsibility around my belt I’m a little scared; scared of the possibilities of not being able to complete the course excellently. Imagine this, I’ve been working for the past three years and I’m quite comfortable with where I am and what I am doing and I’m about to embark into the business school environment. I must admit that this is what I’ve always wanted and dreamt of; pursue my studies to a higher degree and get professional training in the field that I enjoy most. The thorough briefing and introduction on the institution and how reputable it currently is in the region had freaked the hell out of me. It made me wonder if I’m fully prepared and qualified to undergo this extensive programme which I heard as the toughest local business school. With minimal exposure to the management of the corporate world, I realized that I’m gonna have to work harder than the rest of the class and put 110% more effort than my coursemates since majority of them either came from business management background or are directly dealing with the corporate world.

My first class had awaken me up from my long, endless day dream of how easy a management course would be and made me realize that the two-year course ain’t any sit-back-and-relax type of programme. It requires a lot of hard work, effort and not to mention a lot of sacrifices from a number of parties ie; my children – they’re not gonna be seeing me a lot of me at home even if I were home I must be deeply indulged in my text books or busy working on the assignments; my hubby – his sacrifice will mainly be in monetary and most of the time, constructive idea generation and discussion among the two of us. Frankly, he’s the only person in the world that I feel very comfortable talking to and argue with. Well, these are just some of my prediction of how tremendously my life would change with my new status. I pray hard that all my predictions will be a reality, as I really need to work harder than I used to when I was doing my undergradute programme.

Life ain’t always a bed of roses. I believe everyone in the world has to work hard and put their effort in order to achieve and gain their goals and targets. If someone asked me what I wanted in life, I used to say that I wanna be rich and famous cause I always crave for fame and glamour. With my feet standing firmly on the ground, I realise that fame and luxury will never come with the breeze of the wind (unless you inherit them from someone may it be your predecessor or spouse). As what is clearly stated in the Holy Quran, “God doesn’t change one’s fate instead one has to change oneself”, I must no longer be in my relax mode and switch the gear to the hard working and study smart mode because I know for sure that I must no longer rely on anyone but myself. Frankly, I always found it hard to change myself and the way I perceive things and issues surrounding. But, like or not I’ve to get out of my sixteen-year old thinking and activate my current age thinking mode. If I fail to do the abovementioned within the short time constraint I don’t think that I’ll ever succeed in my studies and what more with my life.

Typical Malay

2005-11-21T08:26:00.000Z

Today, I’m in no mood to do any of my normal daily routine. I’m unsure of the exact reason that puts me in this mode. As far as I can remember I had never felt this way before but I guess what I’d heard thru a friend of mine had left minor impact on the way I perceive things around me. Frankly, I don’t actually give a damn of what others have to say. Every body has their say and their own point of views and who am I to judge others on the way they perceive me. It’s not like they ever care about me. I’ll give a damn if they ever shown their concern towards thru one-way or the other. I started to realise now that my office mates are just a bunch of colleagues whom said ‘hi’ to me if I initiated the ‘hi’.

I guess this is a norm for typical Malay women, once they’re married they don’t keep many friends close to them, as they’re busy dwelling with their hectic marital life. They have their very own family to attend to, a husband to care for and children to entertain. I really don’t blame them though as I know that it ain’t easy to break the norm especially if one is married to a typical Malay man. That’s just one way to look at it, I haven’t gone into the dressing part. Most typical married Malay women tend to dress up to their status and age, wearing baju kurung to almost every function that they go to may it be to office or weekend outing with the family. Like I’ve said earlier, it’s really hard for any married Malay women to break out for the prescribed norm and it’s even harder to change and twist the typical Malay mentality.

Not to mention the deeply instilled sense of “malu”ness among the Malays. This sense of “malu”ness could be easily monitored in educational scenario. I’ve been monitoring this trait since my early education process; most Malays are easily embarrassed when it comes to making mistakes. Making mistakes is normal in any learning process. One will never learn if one doesn’t commit mistakes, hence the saying, “practice makes perfect”. There’s nothing to be ashamed off when it comes to learning. The same applies when one is attempting to learn conversing and talking in English among the typical Malays. I sometimes think that the use of English in daily conversation is forbidden. One has to learn to express oneself in a particular language if one aims to master a command of language, and in this; English language.

Typical Malays have this mentality of categorizing other Malays who try to converse in English as showing off. Come on guys, gimme a break. When and how are you going to master the language if you don’t practice using them in your daily routine? Those trying to converse in the so-called ‘bahasa omputih’ are not showing off, they’re attempting to learn. This is one of the main reasons why most Malay graduates fail to get a better job compared to other races. I’m not being racist but I’m really ashamed with my kind of people. Now, don’t ever blame the government for not helping our kind to get employment. You’ve got to change your mentality, get rid at least a little bit of that ‘malu’ness and stop being prejudice on others or you’ll never succeed in life.

Some of you may say that, “My ancestors were illiterate and they didn’t even need to know English to survive”. If you’re thinking that this still applies in our present time, you’re deadly wrong, man. We’re in the globalization era – those who lack of knowledge and expertise will be left far behind especially when almost all sources of knowledge are highly made available in the ‘bahasa omputih’. Simply put, like it or not you’ll have to learn using and mastering the command of the ‘bahasa omputih’.

You may think that I have no pride for my kind of people, again you’re wrong. I have total pride in my people, cause I realize that without that sense of ‘malu’ness deeply instill within each Malay our ancestors would have failed in cultivating and sustaining our unique culture and ‘adab’. Frankly, I still believe that ‘adab’ is important in our daily life since I think it reflects our personality. I actually passed on the Malay ‘adab’ to my children because it actually differs us from the rest of the world population and makes us unique in our own way.

Family Goss-files

2005-11-15T03:20:00.000Z

This year’s Raya has taught me quite a number of things about my mother’s family that I fail to notice all this while; my mother’s relatives have one thing they love to do in common – gossiping. As I joined their convoy to a few relatives’ Raya open house, I realized that the topic that they cover most in their conversations was the hottest and latest gossips about any of my other relatives. I was amazed by their very updated version of gossips on each family member and how they could alternate their gossip on one family member to the other.

The other day while I was listening intensely to their conversations I got to know about my cousin sister that I hadn’t seen for quite sometimes, about her wedding arrangement that’s being planned out of her approval and how her father (my uncle) didn’t say a word about the wedding which was solely organized by my uncle’s ex-wife. I never really like this uncle of mine. According to my mother, this uncle is the ‘miang’ type of person. When he was still married to his ex-wife, he was busy wooing his new girlfriend (now his wife) who was back then working in Perak. I got to know that they got married in Thai, there was no proper wedding reception done. So, by then he had two wives; his ex-wife & his new wife. Sometimes later, I learnt that he had officially divorced the 1st wife. I wasn’t really sure of the main reason that led to their divorce but one thing for sure, it was the toughest time for his four children upon knowing that they were then a broken family. My uncle and my new aunt were then blessed with two children.

The latest that I heard about this uncle from my mother is that he’s been smooching around with a new girlfriend, a student in public university. According to my mom, this uncle has been complaining about my new aunt’s physical feature; her height. My new aunt is considered short compared to any average M’sian women. I could clearly recall my mom’s comment about my uncle’s statement, “when he was head over feet for aunt nor**** he failed to see her shortness and didn’t say anything about it. Now that he’s found a new love everything on her seems wrong”. My mom said that my uncle’s ex-wife made this remark to my new aunt when she got to know about my uncle’s latest update, “I’d gone thru my hard times, it’s your turn to go thru yours”.

Sometimes, I just don’t understand my uncle. What exactly does he look for and want from a woman? His ex-wife is always sweet, smart, warm and friendly. The only thing lacking with her (according to my uncle) is that she wasn’t good at doing house chores plus she is a few years senior than him. Come man, two bloody weaknesses should never outshine one’s strengths. And man, don’t ever forget that my mom did warn you over marrying a woman who’s a lot older that you. You even said this, “I don’t mind, I wanna be like Prophet Muhammad, he was a lot younger that Khadijah” to my mom’s remark. I was never proud to have an uncle like him, he’s the black sheep of the family. He is nothing like my grandpa. I didn’t know what went wrong that he doesn’t inherit sense of loyalty towards his wife from my grandpa. Maybe because my uncle favored my late grandma over my grandpa, so he may not wanna have anything in common with my grandpa. The other two uncles of mine are truly loyal to their respective wives; they intend to spend the rest of their lives with their loved ones and not seeking for new loves.

This is just one of the gossips that I learnt during my Raya celebration. I rarely go back to my kampung, so sometimes I think it was good to be in my kampung, you know just to update the bank of family gossips in my memory and the least is that I got to know more about my mother’s relatives. My only family gossip’s resource when I’m back in KL is my mother who gets to know about them thru my aunt. Well, that’s how the chain of gossips flows whenever I visit my mom at her place.

Wealth, Class and Status

2005-10-31T04:03:00.000Z

While surfing thru the net, trying to get myself occupied, I chose to view a very familiar webpage – a webpage that is administered by a close friend of my hubby, a friend he knew back in school. As I was looking at the nice pics uploaded, and reading her entry for each update, I must say and admit that I envy her family status in the society. You know why? With the help of her family’s close and personal contact, she gets the pleasure of spreading her business’ wings. Imagine how long will it take for an average joe or jane with no close contact with the elite classes in society, in order to talk in them into business let alone convince them to hire the expertise or service that (s)he provided? It’s beyond my wildest imagination when these elite people could easily buy everything that is said by someone who’s in the same class as they. Would they give the same response to an average joe or jane who tried to talk them into business? I don’t think so. What kinda privilege that they possess in society that give them the right to look down at those who don’t belong in their so-called elite class? And most important of all, what does the person in your class have said that the average joe or jane didn’t say when they both were trying to talk you into business.

Sometimes, I think that nowadays people are valued for what they have, their possession and their status or class in society. Politicians claimed that democracy provides freedom and equal opportunity for all the people who elected them. Well, what is said is not what is done. If those people in the elite class keep on putting full thrust and giving opportunity to those within their class, I strongly believe that poverty and wealth will continuously be inherited and passed on from one generation to another.

I must also say that I do believe that everybody has equal chance to change their fate but I’d like to stress that it’ll take more effort for an average joe or jane to change their fate and quality of life compared to those who inherited the elite status from their parents. How do I proof myself right? Let’s analyse together shall we. Compare these two situations, an average joe/jane has nothing to start with - no hot leads, not a very strong financial aid, the only thing that they have is idea. On the other hand, this child born in the elite class, automatically inherits and builds strong connection with potential client, and most important of all monetary aid and support from family to start a business. All this child has to do is strengthens the connection, and at any given time easily sweet-talk them into business. Business and life are so much easier for this child as (s)he already has a strong and solid foundation to continuously live up his/her life. Everything that (s)he needs has been laid, all (s)he has to do is grab the chance when the average joe/jane had to work his/her ass up and learn the hardest way just to get a small business deal. So, this is what they call equal opportunity for all to compete, huh?!

I’m not fed-up of the way our government is maneuvered by the politicians or in anyway going against their rulings. I’m just sick and tired of the way things are set in our society, how the rich gets richer and the poor continuously stays in poverty or at least the next generation had to work hard just to get up a notch in the society hierarchy. If this goes on, we’re actually cultivating a very unhealthy competition in not just business industry but most of all, life. Maybe some of you think how does unequal business opportunity relate to chances in life? Well, let’s ponder at another situation. An average joe/jane could only afford to go to average school, while a child from elite class is sent to most of the time, infamous private school that’s well know for best educational institution. And the list goes on, on how fortunate the child from elite class can be. I’m just writing about business and education just to name a few.

Now, imagine the bigger picture and how wealth, class and status in society impact one’s quality of life and most of all the opportunity to change one’s fate.

P/s: I’m not babbling about this out of regret for being born as an average jane in fact I’m grateful to be average jane because I get the chance to strive and work hard to succeed. And what better way to learn a lesson than the hard way.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

2005-10-28T05:38:00.000+01:00

With raya song humming in my head, I'd like to wish all my muslim friends "Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf zahir & batin". This year, my hubby & I have decided to celebrate the 1st day of raya at my parents' place in Subang. We may be heading back to my hubby's kampung on the night of raya, so that we'll be able to reach his kampung before dawn of the 2nd day of raya. We intend to avoid traffic that's predicted to be heavy by raya & devali eve.

We plan to spend a night at his kampung, and for the following couple of days we'll be at my parents' kampung cause I've been begging him to go visit my grandpa. After that, we'll spend one more day at my hubby's kampung before we head back to KL on Tues, 8 nov. I've planned to meet up my ex-school mates who'll be celebrating their raya in the northern region.

I always thought that this year we'll be able to throw a house warming party & raya open house for our friends, but my prediction was wrong. We may have to stay at my in-laws' place for a longer period to give way for the renovation to be completed. Sorry guys, looks like I won't be able to invite you guys to my open house. Hopefully, the house will be ready by next year.

Again, "Selamat hari raya to all" and not forgetting the Hindus who'll be celebrating Deepavali, "Happy Divali". I'm trying to make my hubby buy me one of those Indian costumes. I've always wanted to have one.

p/s: I'm not in a good mood. I've been gloomy since the day my tailor told me that she won't be able to finish with the sewing of my baju raya. A couple of days ago, I've been trying to get a ready-made kebaya but no size fits me :-( Sedey, uwaaaa.

Nasi Ulam Bonda

2005-10-24T07:27:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since the last time I updated my blog. Sempena bulan Ramadhan ni, nk la kongsi cite ttg betapa keinginan aku menggunung utk berbuka puase dgn Nasi ulam. Some of you may wonder, ape ke menatang nasi ulam tu? Nasi ulam doesn't much intro for those from Kedah sbb nasi ulam ni org2 Kedah je yg tahu care2 nk menyediakannye/menjamahnye.

Last weekend, I went to my parents place. Mase tgh menyediakan juadah berbuka puase, trus ku khabarkn kpd ibuku hasrat utk mkn nasi ulam. Sejak awal Ramadhan lg mmg aku dh kebulur nk mkn nasi ulam, udah pueh mencari kt psr ramadhan yg ade hanyela nasi kerabu. Dpt peluang berbuke umah bonda, ku gunekan peluang itu sebaik mungkin. Bonda pon bgtau dia br jek mkn mase aritu dia balik kampung. Kebetulan, bonda br pulang dr kampung halaman - byk la ulam2 yg dibwk pulang ke pekan. Girangnya rasa hati tidak terkira, makanan yg diidam2kan akhirnya dpt jugak.

Aku bkn le arif sgt ttg care nk sediakn nasik ulam, ptg tu aku jd pembantu bonda kt dapur. Aku ikut jek perintah bonda. Bonda suruh hiris halus2 ulam, aku buat, bonda suruh tumbuk bhn2, aku tumbuk. Mmg agak remeh penyediaan nasi ulam, tp sbb nk mkn punye psl, aku wat jek dan hasil nye sungguh LAZAT. T'ubat la skang rasa rindu pada masakan arwah nenda (nasi ulam ni arwah nenda yg paling pandai masak & sebetulnye rindu kt semua masakan arwah nenda).

At one time, I miss my late grandma's cooking so much that I dreamt of her cooking for me. In that dream, I told her how much I miss her. I cried my heart out, and she was weeping as she listened to my complaints.

Car hit

2005-10-18T02:27:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was on medical leave, as usual it's the diarrhea attack that forced me to stay in bed. I'd to drag my feet to drive to the regular clinic. The doctor even noticed that my stomach could be easily attacked by diarrhea based on my medical report that he keeps. Seriously since I got married my stomach has become sensitive and allergic to overnight food.

Last Sunday, I forced my hubby & sons out for Raya shopping. We went to my favourite shopping stop, Mid Valley. It was about 12 pm yet the cars queuing to get a parking space was massive. As we were waiting for the long queue to move forward, we were halted by a minor car accident. The driver of the kelisa was already out of her car, barking from the top of her lung to the driver who hit her car bumper. Imagine this, she dashed out of her car the minute it was hit. She didn't even bother to move it a side before confronting the driver. Apparently her car was left in the middle of the junction, obstructing the rest of the queue to move. I was ticked off by the fact that it was just a very minimal accident that she wanted to make a big fuss over it.

Sometimes I just don't understand Msian drivers, they'll easily pissed off if other car accidently scratched theirs. It's just a scratch man, why must you put up a fight for something so small? People can't even see the scratch from afar. I remember there was one time when I was driving to work from Sg Buloh to Bkt Jalil. A waja was hit by a wira, I couldn't even notice the scratch on her car's bumper that had ticked her off. I really don't get it, I mean a car is just a car. If it happened to me, frankly I would just let it go. Well actually it happened to me once, a motorbike hit my car, the hit left a scratch on my car. The motorcyclist raised his hand as a sign of apology. I was cool, I raised my hand to say that it was fine. I'm not sure about other people, but to me if it ain't serious, I don't really mind. The most important thing to me is both parties are safe and sound, one could purchase and possess a car but one could never buy or repay others' life.

How sexy is Your Name?

2005-10-12T08:41:00.000+01:00

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity

-A-

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

-B-

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate.
You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval.
You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

-C-

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

-D-

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

-E-

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up.
You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal.
When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.)

-F-

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born
romantic.
Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a
Very generous lover.

-G-

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

-H-

You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment.
Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating
habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

-I-

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change.
You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

-J-

You are totally ing marvelous!

-K-

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually
stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

-L-

You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

-M-

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you
Throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred.
You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense.
You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

-N-

You are crap in bed. Much practice and learning is needed.

-O-

You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

-P-

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of
Doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy;
A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of
Sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.
You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

-Q-

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

-R-

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body.
However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

-S-
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

-T-

You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on.
You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated,
titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your
relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

-U-

You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom.
You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

-V-

You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

-W-

You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is.
You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

-X-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind.
You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

-Y-

You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your
relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.
However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

-Z-

For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Grow up! You aren’t 14 anymore!

2005-10-10T06:41:00.000+01:00

Last Friday, a colleague informed me about the latest issue in her marital life. Frankly, I never intend to poke my nose into others’ marital issues cause I don’t like others to interfere the wonderful marital life that my hubby & I are leading. Anyway, back to my colleague, she was telling me about the problem that she was facing with her hubby. I’m well aware that she’s in her 8th week’s pregnancy, and she’s carrying her third child. Her second child was only 12 months a couple of months ago. I’m also aware of her economical condition; her hubby hasn’t got a permanent employment yet plus the fact that she’s earning more than her hubby.

She told me that she had a fight with her hubby over her hubby’s habit of playing online gaming till late at night. And her hubby could be considered a hardcore player. She said, her hubby was complaining about not having much time for himself. Time away from the children and his wife; time to enjoy himself. I must admit that sometimes, married couples need a space for individual pleasure but if a spouse need very frequent period of time away from the family, that’s very intolerable. I know the fact that the couple got married at a very young age might be the contributing factor, but hey, my hubby and I got married in young too. Age doesn’t really matter, what matters is how you carry the responsibilities of being a husband to your wife, father to your children and leader of the family.

I was so pissed off when I learnt that his hubby would rather spend his time playing online game at cyber café till the middle of the night almost every single day. Hey man, you aren’t 14 anymore, grow up! You’ve got two kids looking up to you as their idol, the idol to guide them thru the facts of life. Don’t bullshit your wife with excuses like, ‘I need sometimes for myself’, ‘I want spare time to hang out with my friends’. I’m so raged to learn this. I mean, if you couldn’t handle the huge responsibilities, why did you take the vow of marrying her in the first place? Shit like, ‘I am the youngest in my siblings, that’s why I’m so immature’ is unacceptable especially when they're expecting their third child. The first two child’s births should have transformed you into a man with responsibilities. You should take the honour of being a father by behaving, thinking, and acting like one (jangan pandai buat anak jek, tp anak serah kt bini bulat2).

Maybe it’s true that one needs a space for individual pleasure and time away from the children. As for me and my hubby the best escapade from our children is the time that we get to spend together without the children ie a movie for just the two of us. Correct me if I’m wrong, marital life isn’t about individuality anymore, it’s about giving-and-taking, tolerance and most of all opening up more space in your heart for your loved ones, plus the spouses must also be willing to forgive and forget any wrong doings between them. Most important of all, don’t be ashamed to admit your mistake, there’s no such thing as embarrassment when it comes to saying sorry for things done.

Salam Ramadhan

2005-10-05T03:21:00.000+01:00

Salamsss,

Sempena bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ini aku nak mengambil kesempatan mengucapkan selamat berpuasa buat sume muslimin muslimat di seluruh dunia. Ucapan ini khusus untuk ex-cko sume, tibe2 t'ingat time pose kt IMU dolu2 especially bile ade jamuan berbuke pose. Sonok gak dpt lepak2 dgn student and staf2 IMU yg lain.

Sekali lagi selamat menjalankan ibadah puase dgn penuh keinsafan & byk2kn la amal di bulan ni, solat terawih jgn tuang.

Life, a bed of roses?

2005-09-28T04:11:00.000+01:00

Have you ever been haunted by feeling of guilt and regret for very important life decisions? Do you wish that you could unwind the clock, turn back to the time when you were about to make the decision, and undo the steps that you’d taken? Last night, I’ve been thinking about the events that took place in my life that had taken me to where I am today. I felt regret about most of the events. I have just come to realise that I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes through out my life.

The first biggest mistake that I did was back in 1995, when I registered to a science boarding school. It was a compulsory for all the students to take up 10 subjects for the MCE exam. I was told that pure science students were given choice of either to take up Geography or Principle of Account as the tenth subject in the MCE exam. Please be reminded that this choice was only offered when we had been taught Geography half way through the semester. About half of the science stream students decided to gave up Geography subject and learn the Principle of Account. As for me, I thought that it’d be wiser to continue learning the subject since Geography had been taught since we were in Form 1. It didn’t turn out positive, I did badly for the paper and those who took Account got better results and the subject actually helped to boost their aggregate. I really regretted that I didn’t take Account because all this while I know that I do much better with subject that involve numbers. I’ve come to understand that those who took Account had more choices in field of studies selection to further their studies.

With a 9-aggregate for MCE, I got an offer to join one of the matriculation centers not far from my parents’ place. After the registration, I had come to understand that the students there were the selected ones, ie those with excellent result, mostly a 6-aggregate MCE holder. As an average student, I wasn’t good enough to be joining the crème of the cream. Almost 95% of them were true geniuses. I was always left in the dark when they could easily understand all the subjects taught. Despite this, I ended up with a three-pointer result. Once the programme was completed, I then had to make another important decision in my life, ie choosing my degree course.

This decision was the biggest step that took me to where I am currently. I was clueless in making up my mind over the courses offered. At first I thought of taking up engineering coz all this while I really enjoy learning subjects with a lot of numbers and principles in them. But a close cousin of mine said that engineering field isn’t meant for girls, and he suggested that I took Information Technology instead. Knowing that he used to study IT in college, I decided to go with his advice.

During my second year of studying IT, I started to realise that I didn’t have passion in the field instead I fell for literature. At this point, I thought that I’d be better off in the literature line. I voiced my decision to a close lecturer and my boyfriend (at present, my hubby), both disapproved it. They advised me to complete my degree course and said that I could divert to another line of studies during my masters degree (if I were to further my studies). It took me four years to finish my 1st degree when most of my coursemates managed to do it within three years. Studying something out of passion, what do you expect?

After graduation, time to get myself a job. At this point, I was fortunate compared to a number of my close friends. The good command of English was a credit for me to be employed. My first job didn’t involve much IT in it. So did my second employment. The first two employments dealt a lot with teaching people. At this point, I still I failed to realise that I have passion in communicating with people because I could naturally connect with them. Due to some mishaps, I decided to move on and thought that it was time for me to put my line of studies to practice. So, I got a job that dealt with IT after all but in the end I gave up practicing IT coz it didn’t suit me at all. I wasn’t meant to be doing the same thing over and over again, I couldn’t handle the pressure of doing the same task again and again. That was when I realized that I was much better off at my old workplace dealing with people. I really missed my old workplace, too bad that the department had been shut down due to disastrous management issues.

After a few months of heartaches with the IT thingy, I finally found a job in Cyberjaya, a job with my passion in it. Even though my current job doesn’t involve as much people compared to my second employment, it opens up opportunity for me to connect with the people on the floor.

I guess my life was always about experimenting and trying out things. I must admit that I keen to learn new things every day but I easily felt bad about myself when I experiment things that weren’t meant for me. This reminded me of an interview session I attended. The interviewer asked me where do I see myself in 5 years time. I was clueless then. Before I could speak up my mind, he jumped to conclusion that I’d end up being a mother of 5 with nothing much to be proud of. I was so pissed off back then. But today, when I finally come to my senses and analyse what he said, I still don’t have a clue of where I’ll be in five years time. My only target is to be wealthy someday, but I’m still trying to figure out the method to achieve this target.

I hope that I’ll be much wiser in making decisions. I realise that I couldn’t dump 100% of my problems and decision-makings to my hubby. I must grow up! I may be more than a quarter decade old, but my thinking doesn’t reflect my age. Sometimes I felt like I’m a sixteen-year-old girl trapped in an adult body. I’ll have to find a way to fix my own problems. God, please help me go through this long, winding journey of life.

Another family affairs

2005-09-26T10:05:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since the last time I updated my blog. The main reason: I didn't know what to type in, not much happened in my life ever since the last post, just normal routine I guess.

Yesterday, or last weekend I went to my parents' place just like my normal weekend ritual whenever my hubby had unsettled matters at work. After dropping my hubby at his office, I headed straight my parents' place with my two boys. As soon as I got there, my mommy asked me to send her to my aunt's place after Asar prayer to return the baju kurungs that she helped out with the stitching.

Once, we've all performed the Asar prayer, we were off to my aunt's place but prior to that, we dropped off my sister at the nearest bus stop. My sister had to get back to her college by 8.00pm. We arrived at my aunt's place at around 6pm. My aunt asked my mom to cook her heavenly “mee goreng basah” recipe. Once, we were done with all the cookings, we were all ready to stomach in the tasty mee goreng. This was when the interesting part peeped in.

My aunt told my mom about the latest news on their father ie my grandpa. Before I proceed with the details of my grandpa’s condition let me just highlight my closeness to him. I never really favour him when I was young compared to my late grandma, you see my late grandma was the one who baby-sat me most whenever my mom was 'unfit' to function as a mother. I won't elaborate more on my mom's 'unfitness'. Back to my grandpa, I always knew how much he loves my late grandma, he loves her so much that he chose not to re-marry even though it's been six years since my late grandma passed away. I remember how he used to tell me of all the details about their love for each other back in my school days, this was when I was schooling in the northern region. I was always touched by their wonderful love story and I've always expected how his life is gonna be like if my grandma 'left' him. My prediction was true, he's been dreaming of her ever since my grandma’s death. The last time I visited my grandpa was last year, a few days after raya, I've never contacted him since then.

My aunt said lately, none of my grandpa's children ie my aunt & uncles who are living nearby had never even bothered to pay a visit. I always knew that most of them have a lot of misunderstandings & controversial matters with my grandpa but I've never thought that they would go to the extreme of abandoning him. It's fortunate that an uncle & his family are still living with my grandpa, he's the only person that my grandpa could express his feelings to. The saddest part was, when my aunt told us of how my grandpa had to "tebalkan muka" & visit my uncles & aunt, when they should be the ones who visit him.

I was deeply touched with this latest news. How could they treat him that way? In his golden ages, all he wants is some sense of affection & love from his sons & daughters. I know how my uncles & aunts always fight each other over my grandpa’s wealth. I understand how lonely his life is right now, especially with my grandma’s absence. For years, he's been talking about his death, he told me once how he longed to die just to be with his loving wife, my grandma. I couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks as I was typing this entry. I could imagine how would it feel like to be left out by your loved ones.

As soon as I got home, I told my hubby about this news, and how I desperately need to see my grandpa. I could clearly recall the day he sent me back to my hostel, how he guided me thru the route back to my hostel from his home, so that I wouldn't have to rely on him whenever I felt like visiting his home. My grandpa always taught me how to be independent, how to face life, how to be successful in life, how to tough. I guess that is why he was always strict with his children. I remembered how he likes to tell me stories about how things were back then, how he scolded my uncles and all, and this fact will always remain in my mind, he said something like this, “of all my grandchildren, you are the ones who enjoyed listening to my lectures & stories”. He said this when my sister and I were still young girls.

p/s: I really need to see my grandpa (sobbed). I wanna tell him how much I love him. I wanna thank him for all the things that he taught...

My 1st Love Letter

2005-09-13T05:12:00.000+01:00

This morning while I was driving to work, I listened to ERA.fm. As usual, they would bring up a topic for listeners to send in stories relating to the topic of discussion and today’s topic was LOVE LETTER. I smiled listening to all the unique storied sent in. I’d really want to share my love letter story with the listeners but due to some mishaps I couldn’t do so.

Today I’d like to share my very 1st love letter with those who visit my blog. It happened more than a decade ago, 12 years to be precise. I was only 14 and still studying in form two when I got the letter. I could clearly recall the day I got the letter from this guy who used to sit beside me when we were in form one. It was Ramadhan, the fasting month was about to end. With the festive season just around the corner, all schools were scheduled for Aidilfitri break in a few days time. The Persatuan Agama Islam in my school decided to organize a Majlis Berbuka Puasa on our last day fasting in school before all students went off for the one-week school break. The ceremony started about half an hour before Maghrib prayer. After breaking fast during Maghrib, we enjoyed the meal prepared followed by performing the Maghrib prayer, after that followed by the Isyak prayer and lastly the Terawih & Witir prayers as all Muslims practiced in Ramadhan.

Once the ceremony was over, I packed my stuffs before my mom fetched me at school. While I was rushing down the stairs, this guy came to me, handed me an envelope and wished me Selamat Hari Raya. I presumed it was just a Raya greetings card coz I remembered he had done so the year before. But frankly, my heart pounded harder than normal when he approached to give me the envelope.

As soon as I got home, I quickly ran to my room & carefully unsealed the envelope. My assumption about the card being ordinary greeting card was wrong. It was a Raya greeting alright, but it was attached with a straight forward love letter. I read the letter line by line; he described his feelings towards me. I’d always knew that people like to teas us, they kept saying that we had feelings for each other ever since we sat next to each other in class when we were in form one, but I’d never thought that the teasing was for real especially the part where he had feelings for me.

After reading the letter, I didn’t know what to do with it. At first, I thought of replying the letter but I wasn’t sure how to write or what to write. The memory of me celebrating the festive season was very vague. A week had past, the school break was over, and I was still not sure what to do with the letter. I went to school as usual on the following day, but this time the feelings of guilt was haunting me. How could one react towards a classmate who handed you your very first love letter? I kept the letter for at least one week (I don’t really know for sure how long I kept it). I was clueless, I didn’t know how to react every time I saw him in class. His place was only one desk across me. I never talked to him since then, at last I decided to return the letter to the sender. This is another part that puzzled me, I wasn’t sure when or how or what should I say if I were to return it. The best way that I could think of was to put the envelope into the drawer of his desk. I was never sure when did he realize about its presence in his drawer & I didn’t intend to know.

A few months later, I heard that his family was shifting to Penang, his hometown. I never asked a thing about his move to Penang. Our class monitor had decided to throw a farewell party for him to acknowledge his contributions for helping us to beautify our class and won the weekly cleanliness award. I could clearly recall how I refused to attend the party just to avoid him and to show that no matter what happened I would stick to my decision of turning him down. With a number of people persuading me to go to the farewell party, I finally gave in. I even gave my photo to be enclosed in the photo album present that our class bought for him.

I vividly remember how my classmates tried so hard to snap a picture of us together and how they organized games for us to be playing together. Did I mention that I hate this guy? I hated him so much that I used to tell my little sister how I hated every single thing that he did. I even made fun of the way he walked. When I come to think of it, I never really had a valid reason for the strong hatred towards him.

Some of you may wonder, what happened to this guy that I hated so much? Guess what? The guy is the person that I’m living with; the guy that I hated is the same old guy that I married five years ago. I’ve never thought that we would end up marrying each other. It had never occurred to me that I’d be spending the rest of my life with the guy that I hated the most. That’s fate & life. Quoting from friend’s blog, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”.

p/s: The love letter is still intact, he’s been keeping it with him all this while. We are keeping it safe for our children to read.

Walking down the memory lane

2005-09-12T10:02:00.000+01:00

With nothing much to do at work, I have all the time to walk down the memory lane - the precious moments in my life. The strongest memory that is coming back to my mind is the four years spent in the university. I could clearly see my fellow uni friends in my mind - Ct, Anad, Imah and Lin. I remember how I first got to know them. It was back in 1998, our registration day and our 1st day as freshmen enrolling for our IT degree. I'd just registered at late noon, when most of the housemates had done their unpacking. Frankly, I'm not a friendly person so it was never easy for me to start a conversation. Luckily, my mom was there helping me to settle my baggage. She started talking to one of them, it was Ct. And Ct with her ever talkative & friendly manner introduced herself & the rest of the bunch. That was how I got to know them, my mom. Then, parents were ushered to leave the hostel as we had to report for our orientation week. I don't wanna elaborate much on our orientation week.

Anyway, after 1 week of torturous orientation programme, we were asked to move to another block. We were transported to our new block with a bus. The bus was crammed up with all our stuffs. The sun was about to set when we got there. After unloading our stuffs and 'fighting' for our rooms, the two seniors who were staying there, took us to the nearest food stalls. We walked there, and our 1st journey to the stalls seemed too long & really tiring. When we got there, we were all swelled up by the many steps taken just to fill our grumbling stomach. After that 1st journey, we never complaint about the distance since we were so used to a lot of walking after that. My most memorable moment with them was when the 4 of us walked all the way from our house to the nearest shopping plaza. I could clearly hear how they teased me about my consciousness over my weight (i was a little plump back then, weighting 48 kg i always saw myself fat & ugly). I remembered Lin saying out loud, "look at Ina, look at her fatty tissue clinging around her fat legs. I'm so embarrassed to walk beside her". I must admit that I was an anorexic & sometimes I still see myself fat despite my 43kg weight. Our mission of going there was to measure our weight at the weighting fortune machine (the machine prints a fortune card with our weight on it)

As I'm sitting here typing & recalling the wonderful years spent with them, reminds me of the time when all of us became chatting maniacs. I could hardly recall who introduced us to the chatting craze, but what I know for sure the craze started when one of us bought a computer that came with modem. We took turn to chat coz the wireless thingy was way beyond our time. All of us started to log for distinguished nicks. My closest friend, Anad was the heavy chatter among us. I remembered how I hardly saw her slept at nite coz of her madness over chatting. She had come to the extreme of having a 'steady' chatting buddy. I couldn't tell exactly when did we get over the madness of chatting, but one thing that I remember most was one of my chatting friends sent a pict of him in the uni he was lecturing. I even had a special nick for him, my knight in shining armour (this was plainly because I was so indulged into Jude Deveraux's a knight in shining armour novel).

I know it’s impossible to note down all the special moments spent with them. But honestly, these close friends of mine have helped me tremendously to go thru life as a student in the uni especially Anad. We went a lot of things together, we had accident while riding your bike to our morning class just after I got furious with you over something. We even had to extend our study period because of our exam results. To all my friends in uni, Ct, Anad, Lin & Imah thanks for being a good friend. I really appreciate our friendship and especially to Anad, thanks so much for putting up with my temper. And to all the friends that I got to know during my schoolday, uni or during my employment, thanks for the valuable friendship.

Mating season

2005-09-09T03:24:00.000+01:00

Mating season is the nickname my hubby gave to the school holiday. Why? It's simply because of the many wedding invitations that we got each time the school holiday peeps into the calendar. School holiday may be over by now, but some of the soon-to-be-wed couples chose to organise their wedding days after the shool holiday just to avoid the peak period of weddings. Why mating season some of you may wonder? I don't think that I need to elaborate. I'm sure the word wedding is self-explanatory.

Tonite, my hubby will be taking me & our sons to his friend's majlis akad nikah in Ampang. We were invited there as we aren't gonna be able to attend her wedding reception on 10th Sept. My hubby will be joining his office's trip to Genting Highlands on that day. I'm not really close to this friend of his, but my hubby is quite close to her cause he helped her a lot with her design subject when they were studying architecture together. Seems like she owed my hubby a favour.

Back to the mating season subject, we were supposed to attend quite a number of weddings last August but as I've mentioned in my a very hectic month post due to my hubby's tight deadlines I couldn't attend most of the wedding invitations. Attending wedding receptions always remind me of my wedding. Looking back to the five years ago event, made me feel lucky that I got married young. To some, it seems tougher to settle down at a young age cause most of us weren't financially stabil at that time. We were still studying with no fixed income when we married. I can't deny that it was truly tough during our first two years of marriage. We had to struggle to keep our family together & win some bread & butter. Even though it was tough I never regretted being married young, in fact I'm glad that we did so. When our friends are in the midst of finding soulmates & planning to settle down, we are already busy with educating & bringing up our children. I'm glad and proud that we're a few notches up from our friends. So to all my friends who've just got settle down, it's time for you guys to catch-up ;-p

A mother - child bond

2005-09-06T07:38:00.000+01:00

Today while having lunch with a few of my office mates, I was struck by the mother - child bonding topic that we were discussing. We started to chat on the topic as we learned that one close office mate of ours had to send her son to her parents' place in Kuching. She's been requested to go to our office in Sydney to undergo a one-month training there. Normal mothers will weep upon knowing that they have to be away from their children for quite sometimes. When she was telling this to us, her eyes were filled with tears. As a mother of two boys, I fully understand the felling of being apart from the children.

I experienced this feeling for the first time when I had to attend the PTD assessment programme in Kluang, Johor. It was somewhere back in May, I got the letter from the SPA saying that I'd to undergo an assessment in order to qualify to the next round of the PTD selection. I was supposed to attend the selection held in KL but due to a training conducted at the office, I had to reschedule the assessment date as well as the venue. The nearest centre available was Kluang & Kuala Ketil but I chose to go to Kluang since my hubby is very familiar with that part of Msia.

We parted from Serdang right after maghrib prayer. After four hours of non-stop drive, we reached Kluang town. I remembered during our journey to Kluang, my in-laws who were back then staying in Segamat rang us a number of times to ensure we had a save journey. At about midnite, we reached Kluang town & headed straight to one of the hotels there.

Early the next morning, I packed our luggages & separated my luggage from my hubby's & my kids' baggages in case I had to stay in the hostel provided at the assessment centre. I really wished that they would allow me to stay at the nearest hotel instead of the hostel provided. It never occurred to me that it would be the day I had to be away from my children for a couple of days. After I registered myself into the assessment centre, I went to get the things needed and put them into the room provided. Then, I went straight to my hubby & kids who were awaiting in the car. That was the moment I had to wish farewell to my hubby & kids. It was the saddest moment in my life because I knew then I had to be apart from my family for a couple of days. It was the first time ever my cheeks were drenched with tears, to be away from the children that I love. The fact that I wouldn't be seeing them for a few days really strucked my heart. Even my children were crying. I hugged and kissed my hubby & kids. My two boys were screaming asking me to get back into the car. I told them, "Mama has to go to work", but it didn't stop them from crying. My hubby said, "It's just for a few days. We'll fetch you on Sunday". More tears ran down my cheeks when I saw them drove away & left the place heading to my in-laws' place in Segamat.

I could imagine my colleague's feelings to be apart from her son. That's how strong a mother - child bonding is. I couldn't understand how some of the so called mothers could easily get rid of their children after birth, some even dumped their babies in garbage cans. What were they thinking? How could they be so mean & cruel to the babies that they carried so close to their hearts for nine months? I was never fond of kids in my teen ages but after I got married & had my own kids my heart sank upon learning that some mothers turned into devils to dump their babies just to seal their sins. They should know that, Allah sees everything that one commits - one may veil it from others but Allah knows, there's nothing that one could hide away from Allah the Almighty.

UNTUK KE-5 TAHUN

2005-09-05T12:43:00.000+01:00

Untuk ke-5 tahunnya,
Aku masih mengenggam janji,
Lafaz cintaku menjadikanmu isteriku;
Ku kucup dahimu terpahat restuku…

Untuk ke-5 tahunnya,
Kau telah berkorban untukku,
Segala kasih-sayang dan kesetiaanmu;
Segunung intan tak dapat ku lunaskan,

Untuk ke-5 tahunnya,
Kau menemaniku,
Dalam jaga dan lenaku;
Tiada lagi nyenyak tidur tanpamu,

Untuk ke-5 tahunnya,
Kau telah sinari hidup dengan cahaya mata,
Menyinarlah kasihku sehingga kepintu syurga;
Terbenam marahku ke lubuk neraka,

Oleh itu hari ini,
Untuk ke-5 tahunnya,
Aku masih tetap melafazkan;
Kata CINTA dari hatiku ke hatimu,

dr abgsayangina