IMAGINE

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
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Writen by: John Lennon

Life, unjust and unfair

Early this morning as I was driving home from my hubby’s office, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of my fates of life, what had happened to me through out my 27 years of living. I couldn’t stop judging how unfair, unjust and cruel the world had been to me. I must admit that I feel envy of those who get the pleasure of enjoying the things that I couldn’t afford to do. For instance, I’v just discovered that a friend of mine who flunked his SPM is now in France for a four-year course, sent by the government to study on the water thingy. Could you imagine someone who didn’t get good school exam results could afford not to just go abroad but also stay there for up to 4 years. What ever happened to those who got better results? Yeah, they got offer to further their studies at local university but does the offer help them to secure a better job? This friend of mine who’s now in France is earning 1500 euro per month allowance. What about the so-called excel students? The best salary offer that they’ll get once they graduated is RM3k. Isn’t life unfair and unjust? I must admit that it’s up to God’s will, but I just couldn’t stop myself from judging life as cruel.

Not to mention, the renowned singer, Siti Nurhaliza. She flunked her SPM paper, but just take a look at where she is now. She’s travelling all over the world with her very minimal English speaking skill. Could you imagine how bad her English is? She couldn’t even differentiate between dimple and nipple – that’s how bad she is at English yet she had performed in the infamous Royal Albert Hall, London. I wouldn’t brag and say that my SPM was good, but at least I got 6As and got selected to join the crème of the cream programme. Where did I end-up? I could clearly recall someone telling me that education is vital, how it could change one’s fate and they keep saying that your future lies in your education. I used to believe in those craps, but now that I’ve grown up, I’v better judgement of life. My dad used to stress on the importance of mastering the English language, but does mastering the language get me anywhere abroad? Nope, it hasn’t got me anywhere but job-hopping ever since I graduated due to the advantage that I have over other Malay candidates.

I couldn’t help but wonder how do we measure one’s achievement? Living in the world where monetary power conquers, we should all admit that we tend to measure one’s achievement through their material belongings. We are all becoming more and more materialistic since that’s what the world has thought us for survival, money. Like it or not, we’re all becoming slaves of money. We’d do anything for the sake of MONEY. There are even people in our society who would kill for money. Most of us didn’t even realise that they’ve been conquered by their greed to get more and more MONEY. What value does money have? Come to think of it, it’s just a piece of paper with some notes on it, yet we’re all chasing it like maniacs. GOD, when will this madness for MONEY be stopped?

Facts of life

Since the last few months, I noticed something really peculiar in my neighborhood. Each morning, there’s this elderly chinese couple who would go around my residential area on their ‘basikal tua’, digging into each household’s garbage bin, searching for recyclable rubbish. They’d arrange those recyclables that they managed to find on the ‘basikal tua’ at a stop before heading to the next garbage bin. Looking at their determination of performing their daily routine to win some bread and butter, I can’t help but wonder, don’t this elderly lady and her man have children or at least relatives that they could turn to, to seek for helping hands that could at least ease their burden? Could this be a new trend set by the youngsters, who don’t seem to give a damn about the elders in the society? Are our younger generations lack of ‘adab’ and ‘nilai-nilai murni’? Could it be that our society has evolved with the rapid technological advancements that each member of the society has become more self-centred, selfish, and insensitive of their surrounding?

I must admit that I’m amazed by the elderly couple’s determination despite their decaying strengths to gain their hard-earned money. I mean, they could have registered or signed up for the charity thingy held. Instead, this loving couple chose the hard way to win their bread and butter. I salute their effort of upholding their pride and dignity. I guess they’d rather starve than beg for food from others. I just don’t understand why would a number of people within our society (it’s really ashamed to admit that most of them are Malays) would let their pride and dignity down the drain just to earn fast, big, easy money. There are quite a number of beggars at the night market within my residential area, and I’m so embarrassed to find a normal, healthy looking lady in her 30s cradling her baby sitting in the middle of pathway, begging for money. Why couldn’t she think of other ways to earn money for her child? She’s young and healthy. Begging isn’t the best solution to feed her child.

When a couple of elders chose to dig into garbage bin as their main source of income, some young men chose to snatch ladies’ handbags instead. Whatever happened to our generations? Don’t they feel ashamed to learn that the elderly couple would go into the hassle of digging into smelly household disposables in order to collect the recyclables? These old folks should be resting at home, spending their time with their family and not in the streets, collecting recyclables trash. In contrast, the young men would go round the streets aiming for their next snatch victims that worth from RM50-3,000. Is that the price of their pride and dignity? Pride and dignity are two things that money can’t buy, but I guess maybe time has changed the value of the two.

Does this mean that I’m too old to adapt and cope with these changes? I know I’m growing older (hopefully more wiser too) but I’m sure that the value of pride and dignity shouldn’t decay with time. It should stay intact no matter what era where are in.

I'm not f**king OK

This song has been playing in my head for all day long. Must be becoz I ain't feelin' okay today

I'm not okay - my chemical romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say
I never want to let you down or have you go
It's better off this way
For all the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
Remember when you broke your foot
From jumping out the second floor
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again
You sing the words but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you'd read me like a book
But the pages are all torn and frayed
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay
(Trust me)
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

*that bloody ass kisser is making my work-life sucks

Sayonara 2005

In less than a week we’ll bid farewell to year 2005 and enter a new year, 2006. In less than a week we’ll have to start things in a new diary where we’ll witness a new chapter in our life. The clock seems to tick faster than it used to be since most of us are unaware of how rapid time flies by. It seemed like I had eldest son, Azhan yesterday yet, next Tuesday, Jan 3 2006 his kindergarten class would begin.

For the past 11 and three-quarter months, a number of things had happened in our life, may it be brightmoments or all sorts of different emotions and feelings towards the events, all the memories actually add spice to our life. Just like a Malay saying, ‘hidup ini ibarat roda, kadang di atas, kadang di bawah’. Many of us failed to see that those ups, downs, twists and turns actually make us wiser and become better persons cause we would have learnt something from the obstacles. Life ain’t always bed of roses, I’d say yet there are those moments that we treasured most that might have occurred in our life and believe it or not there are a number of people out there who live their lives with those beautiful memories to help them struggle their way out of poverty.

Before I enroll into the master’s programme, I never miss this charity-based tv programme, Bersamamu. I used to complaint about how unfortunate I was but watching the programme made me realized that they are quite a number of Msian are still living in poverty and I should have been grateful that I am much fortunate than them cause I’m employed with good wages and I’d never experienced shortage of food.

Frankly, I’m not really sure what does the Bersamamu series has got to do with saying goodbye to year 2005 but one thing that I know for sure is; no matter how unfortunate you felt you were in 2005, bear in mind that there are others who are more unfortunate than you. Who knows when the best of you will be unveiled, time and tide wait for no man nor woman. It’s up to us to change ourselves and it’s up to us to change the way we perceive our mishaps cause believe it or not we’ll never know for sure the ‘hikmah’ beneath the mishaps. After all, obstacles and mishaps are a part of spices that add flavours to our life. So, enjoy life while you can! Happy New Year!

Acquaintances vs Friends

Benar lah kata org2 dulu kala, “kawan ketawa senang dicari, tp kawan menangis satu dlm seribu pon susah nk cari”. Last nite I started to realize that in my entire life, my one and only closest friend is my hubby. I wondered how life would be like without him. It’s not as if I don’t have any friends at all but I don’t think that I have any that can be considered as true friend. To me a true friend is someone who’s willing to stay in a friendship with me in facing any kind of circumstances especially during the downs, twists and turns.

There are a number of reasons that I use as excuses of not having a best friend for the past few years. The first and strongest excuse was the family barrier, you see my parents were and have always been very protective. I remember there was a time when my classmate rang me at home to ask me about the day’s homework. We only talked for about 20 to 30 minutes; my mom had started nagging me. This was her most popular line, “Kat skolah tak leh sembang ke?” She usually said it out loud that my friend could hear her nag in the back. So, to keep her mouth shut I ended up not having close and not to mention best friend during my early school days. The people closest to me back then were my siblings.

Second reason is also related to my family, the way I was brought up to be specific. My parents and grandpa have always taught me to be independent. They taught me that the person who knows us best is ourselves. They had cultivated this belief that no matter what happens to me, the only person who is willing to reach out and lend a helping hand is myself. The second person that I could rely on according to them is my family.

I could say that I’m not so friendly type of person cause I have this phobia of getting close to a person and losing that person someday in my life. It happened to me once when I was in secondary school. I was quite close to this Chinese girl. I enjoyed her company but we lost touch when she moved to different school. I tried to get reach of her, but she her cold response disappointed me. From that moment on, I knew that my mom was right about friendship.

When I moved to a boarding school, I found it hard to cope and adapt the culture cause everyone seem to be heading anywhere in pairs. I was still keeping myself alone. It was an awkward for the rest of them upon learning that I didn’t have a buddy to keep me company wherever I went. I figured it was an advantage for me cause I didn’t have to wait on for someone else to go to class or any other activities that we had to attend. I could clearly recall one of my dorm mates’ nag about me going somewhere on my own. She was worried if anything happened to me, no one would realize my absence. She was telling me this when she got to know that I would usually go to the bathroom alone in the middle of the night. I told her that I’d rather be there alone than waking up any of them and finding out that the person that accompanied me was not a real person (a ghost).

I always believe that I’m not so fortunate when it comes to friendship. Even after leaving school, I still found it hard to get a buddy who would keep me company during my university years. I’d rather head to class alone than waiting up for others. Somehow during my years of studies, I got to know someone whom I considered quite close to me, my housemate who was also my course mate. I figured I had to be close to her because we were in the same course. She was quite furious when she got to know that I once walked back alone to our hostel all the way from college. As I said earlier, I was always unfortunate in friendship. Once we graduated, we headed back to our respective hometowns and from that point on we drifted apart. We are still in touch but the closeness was never there.

I remember once I had to make distress calls to a number of all the so-called friends. It all happened when my car tire punctured. The first person that I rang was none other than my hubby. Unluckily, my hubby was at his office, some 35 minutes away from where I was. It was almost dusk, I didn’t what to do. Since my phone batter was running low, I sent distress SMS stating that my car tire punctured and I needed help to a number of people listed in my phone’s address. I almost burst to tears when none of them responded. I then found myself desperate and needed urgent respond so I called up a friend whom I knew in college. She told me that she was working outstation so I decided, desperate situation called for desperate measure. I asked her how could I replace the punctured tire with the spare one. She told me the steps of removing the punctured tire. When I was in the midst of changing the tire, a motorbike rider with his friend stopped by to offer help. At first I was a bit reluctant cause I was paranoia especially with all the road rage cases reported. With paranoia conquering my senses I quickly rang my hubby to let him know that a couple of men were helping me, just in case should anything bad happened to me my hubby would be aware of my whereabouts. I was surprised when the help offered was genuine and touched by their honesty.

As I was driving back home, I learnt the most important lesson in life, “kawan menangis memang susah dicari”. I was really disappointed and sad upon learning that none of the people in my phone’s address were my friend. Could you imagine none out of twenty in the list responded? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? One thing that struck me the most was some of them were staying nearby to the place where I was stranded yet they couldn’t give any feedback. Is it always hard to help others in need? I guess acquaintances would only consider one as their friends when one is surrounded by wealth and fame. ‘Mase tu sume orang nak menempek kat kekayaan dan name orang tadi.’ That’s the fact of life. And the most shocking findings from the incident was, (sorry I had to say this out loud, baby) even my so-called beloved hubby wasn’t there to help me out, instead two strangers in their factory uniforms genuinely lent helping hands. I kept telling myself that I must find those two guys to reward them, Malays said, “hutang budi dibawa mati” and I don’t think that I’ll ever forget that. It’ll only be buried with my dead body.

tight schedule

I've been so busy with work plus other responsibilites as a wife, mother and latest gradute student. My tight schedule doesn't allow me to do most of the things that I used to do for leisure.

Got to go. Have an urgent task to finish before end of the day.

Dream

Last nite I had the scariest dream ever. I dreamt of being a ‘pontianak’, the Malay version of vampire. It ain’t the 1st time I had this kind of dream; dream of becoming a ghost and there had been a number of version on how I became one. But last nite’s version was the scariest. It all happened when I went back to my kampong. It was pass midnight. All the relatives were busy preparing goodies for Hari Raya. My two cousin sisters happened to see a couple of pontianak passing by. I was distracted from doing my chores when my cousins giggled. I asked them about what they were looking at that made them giggle. They told me about the pontianak and pointed the whereabout of the pontianak. I peeked thru the holes in the wall, and quickly ducked when I realized that the pontianak were aware that they were being watched. I told my cousins about it, we were shocked. We tried to close the windows and door that were wide opened, but the pontianak were faster than us. They got into the house when the door was about to be closed.

The pontianak promised that they wouldn’t do harm to us with one condition; one of us had to be sacrificed. They instructed on what to do for the selection of candidate to be sacrificed. I’d say the process of selection was rather unique. We were asked to dance in certain way. The instruction was really quick and short that I couldn’t comprehend causing me to fail in performing the dance as they wanted. The pontianak pointed at me and said they were going to take me away. I was crying my heart out. My hubby tried to protect me from being taken but my relatives were holding him back and said that it was for the safety of others.

I didn’t really know the purpose of the sacrifice process. I thought the pontianak were going to eat me up. They then told me that they were going to turn me into a pontianak. I couldn’t recall how I became one of them. My entire life totally changed with this transformation. They treated me like a slave, I was always forced to serve them with victims for their dinner. I kept thinking of my hubby and my two children. One night, I went back to my used to be home just to have a look at my family. I saw my hubby and kids watching videos of me. I saw how they missed me as much as I missed them. One footage broke me to tears. The footage was recorded on the night I was taken away from my family. I watched how my hubby was held back by my relatives as the pontianak took me away. I saw how I cried my heart out, I saw what I used to be and how I looked like. I saw how my children repeatedly asked my hubby to keep playing the video about me. I tried to touch my hubby and children but my hands couldn’t reach them.

I woke up from the scariest nightmare with tears running down my cheeks. I quickly called my hubby who I haven’t seen in two days just to check on him. I told him about my dream and how I much I love him and my kids. I told him that I don’t wanna lose any of them.

This scariest dream made me realized how precious my family is to me. I used to think that I could live without my family. I guess I was wrong. I now know that I could never live without them.

Dear God, please don’t take my family away from me, don’t take me away from them either and please don’t tear us apart. I could never live without them.

The end of long, endless day dream

November 14th `05 is a historical day for me. It was the day I officially become a graduate student with the pledge-taking as one of the newly registered graduate students in a local public university. I’m overwhelmed with excitement when I come to think that I’m back in school again after three years of leaving student days. Whilst on the other hand, with the new status and responsibility around my belt I’m a little scared; scared of the possibilities of not being able to complete the course excellently. Imagine this, I’ve been working for the past three years and I’m quite comfortable with where I am and what I am doing and I’m about to embark into the business school environment. I must admit that this is what I’ve always wanted and dreamt of; pursue my studies to a higher degree and get professional training in the field that I enjoy most. The thorough briefing and introduction on the institution and how reputable it currently is in the region had freaked the hell out of me. It made me wonder if I’m fully prepared and qualified to undergo this extensive programme which I heard as the toughest local business school. With minimal exposure to the management of the corporate world, I realized that I’m gonna have to work harder than the rest of the class and put 110% more effort than my coursemates since majority of them either came from business management background or are directly dealing with the corporate world.

My first class had awaken me up from my long, endless day dream of how easy a management course would be and made me realize that the two-year course ain’t any sit-back-and-relax type of programme. It requires a lot of hard work, effort and not to mention a lot of sacrifices from a number of parties ie; my children – they’re not gonna be seeing me a lot of me at home even if I were home I must be deeply indulged in my text books or busy working on the assignments; my hubby – his sacrifice will mainly be in monetary and most of the time, constructive idea generation and discussion among the two of us. Frankly, he’s the only person in the world that I feel very comfortable talking to and argue with. Well, these are just some of my prediction of how tremendously my life would change with my new status. I pray hard that all my predictions will be a reality, as I really need to work harder than I used to when I was doing my undergradute programme.

Life ain’t always a bed of roses. I believe everyone in the world has to work hard and put their effort in order to achieve and gain their goals and targets. If someone asked me what I wanted in life, I used to say that I wanna be rich and famous cause I always crave for fame and glamour. With my feet standing firmly on the ground, I realise that fame and luxury will never come with the breeze of the wind (unless you inherit them from someone may it be your predecessor or spouse). As what is clearly stated in the Holy Quran, “God doesn’t change one’s fate instead one has to change oneself”, I must no longer be in my relax mode and switch the gear to the hard working and study smart mode because I know for sure that I must no longer rely on anyone but myself. Frankly, I always found it hard to change myself and the way I perceive things and issues surrounding. But, like or not I’ve to get out of my sixteen-year old thinking and activate my current age thinking mode. If I fail to do the abovementioned within the short time constraint I don’t think that I’ll ever succeed in my studies and what more with my life.

Typical Malay

Today, I’m in no mood to do any of my normal daily routine. I’m unsure of the exact reason that puts me in this mode. As far as I can remember I had never felt this way before but I guess what I’d heard thru a friend of mine had left minor impact on the way I perceive things around me. Frankly, I don’t actually give a damn of what others have to say. Every body has their say and their own point of views and who am I to judge others on the way they perceive me. It’s not like they ever care about me. I’ll give a damn if they ever shown their concern towards thru one-way or the other. I started to realise now that my office mates are just a bunch of colleagues whom said ‘hi’ to me if I initiated the ‘hi’.

I guess this is a norm for typical Malay women, once they’re married they don’t keep many friends close to them, as they’re busy dwelling with their hectic marital life. They have their very own family to attend to, a husband to care for and children to entertain. I really don’t blame them though as I know that it ain’t easy to break the norm especially if one is married to a typical Malay man. That’s just one way to look at it, I haven’t gone into the dressing part. Most typical married Malay women tend to dress up to their status and age, wearing baju kurung to almost every function that they go to may it be to office or weekend outing with the family. Like I’ve said earlier, it’s really hard for any married Malay women to break out for the prescribed norm and it’s even harder to change and twist the typical Malay mentality.

Not to mention the deeply instilled sense of “malu”ness among the Malays. This sense of “malu”ness could be easily monitored in educational scenario. I’ve been monitoring this trait since my early education process; most Malays are easily embarrassed when it comes to making mistakes. Making mistakes is normal in any learning process. One will never learn if one doesn’t commit mistakes, hence the saying, “practice makes perfect”. There’s nothing to be ashamed off when it comes to learning. The same applies when one is attempting to learn conversing and talking in English among the typical Malays. I sometimes think that the use of English in daily conversation is forbidden. One has to learn to express oneself in a particular language if one aims to master a command of language, and in this; English language.

Typical Malays have this mentality of categorizing other Malays who try to converse in English as showing off. Come on guys, gimme a break. When and how are you going to master the language if you don’t practice using them in your daily routine? Those trying to converse in the so-called ‘bahasa omputih’ are not showing off, they’re attempting to learn. This is one of the main reasons why most Malay graduates fail to get a better job compared to other races. I’m not being racist but I’m really ashamed with my kind of people. Now, don’t ever blame the government for not helping our kind to get employment. You’ve got to change your mentality, get rid at least a little bit of that ‘malu’ness and stop being prejudice on others or you’ll never succeed in life.

Some of you may say that, “My ancestors were illiterate and they didn’t even need to know English to survive”. If you’re thinking that this still applies in our present time, you’re deadly wrong, man. We’re in the globalization era – those who lack of knowledge and expertise will be left far behind especially when almost all sources of knowledge are highly made available in the ‘bahasa omputih’. Simply put, like it or not you’ll have to learn using and mastering the command of the ‘bahasa omputih’.

You may think that I have no pride for my kind of people, again you’re wrong. I have total pride in my people, cause I realize that without that sense of ‘malu’ness deeply instill within each Malay our ancestors would have failed in cultivating and sustaining our unique culture and ‘adab’. Frankly, I still believe that ‘adab’ is important in our daily life since I think it reflects our personality. I actually passed on the Malay ‘adab’ to my children because it actually differs us from the rest of the world population and makes us unique in our own way.

Family Goss-files

This year’s Raya has taught me quite a number of things about my mother’s family that I fail to notice all this while; my mother’s relatives have one thing they love to do in common – gossiping. As I joined their convoy to a few relatives’ Raya open house, I realized that the topic that they cover most in their conversations was the hottest and latest gossips about any of my other relatives. I was amazed by their very updated version of gossips on each family member and how they could alternate their gossip on one family member to the other.

The other day while I was listening intensely to their conversations I got to know about my cousin sister that I hadn’t seen for quite sometimes, about her wedding arrangement that’s being planned out of her approval and how her father (my uncle) didn’t say a word about the wedding which was solely organized by my uncle’s ex-wife. I never really like this uncle of mine. According to my mother, this uncle is the ‘miang’ type of person. When he was still married to his ex-wife, he was busy wooing his new girlfriend (now his wife) who was back then working in Perak. I got to know that they got married in Thai, there was no proper wedding reception done. So, by then he had two wives; his ex-wife & his new wife. Sometimes later, I learnt that he had officially divorced the 1st wife. I wasn’t really sure of the main reason that led to their divorce but one thing for sure, it was the toughest time for his four children upon knowing that they were then a broken family. My uncle and my new aunt were then blessed with two children.

The latest that I heard about this uncle from my mother is that he’s been smooching around with a new girlfriend, a student in public university. According to my mom, this uncle has been complaining about my new aunt’s physical feature; her height. My new aunt is considered short compared to any average M’sian women. I could clearly recall my mom’s comment about my uncle’s statement, “when he was head over feet for aunt nor**** he failed to see her shortness and didn’t say anything about it. Now that he’s found a new love everything on her seems wrong”. My mom said that my uncle’s ex-wife made this remark to my new aunt when she got to know about my uncle’s latest update, “I’d gone thru my hard times, it’s your turn to go thru yours”.

Sometimes, I just don’t understand my uncle. What exactly does he look for and want from a woman? His ex-wife is always sweet, smart, warm and friendly. The only thing lacking with her (according to my uncle) is that she wasn’t good at doing house chores plus she is a few years senior than him. Come man, two bloody weaknesses should never outshine one’s strengths. And man, don’t ever forget that my mom did warn you over marrying a woman who’s a lot older that you. You even said this, “I don’t mind, I wanna be like Prophet Muhammad, he was a lot younger that Khadijah” to my mom’s remark. I was never proud to have an uncle like him, he’s the black sheep of the family. He is nothing like my grandpa. I didn’t know what went wrong that he doesn’t inherit sense of loyalty towards his wife from my grandpa. Maybe because my uncle favored my late grandma over my grandpa, so he may not wanna have anything in common with my grandpa. The other two uncles of mine are truly loyal to their respective wives; they intend to spend the rest of their lives with their loved ones and not seeking for new loves.

This is just one of the gossips that I learnt during my Raya celebration. I rarely go back to my kampung, so sometimes I think it was good to be in my kampung, you know just to update the bank of family gossips in my memory and the least is that I got to know more about my mother’s relatives. My only family gossip’s resource when I’m back in KL is my mother who gets to know about them thru my aunt. Well, that’s how the chain of gossips flows whenever I visit my mom at her place.

Wealth, Class and Status

While surfing thru the net, trying to get myself occupied, I chose to view a very familiar webpage – a webpage that is administered by a close friend of my hubby, a friend he knew back in school. As I was looking at the nice pics uploaded, and reading her entry for each update, I must say and admit that I envy her family status in the society. You know why? With the help of her family’s close and personal contact, she gets the pleasure of spreading her business’ wings. Imagine how long will it take for an average joe or jane with no close contact with the elite classes in society, in order to talk in them into business let alone convince them to hire the expertise or service that (s)he provided? It’s beyond my wildest imagination when these elite people could easily buy everything that is said by someone who’s in the same class as they. Would they give the same response to an average joe or jane who tried to talk them into business? I don’t think so. What kinda privilege that they possess in society that give them the right to look down at those who don’t belong in their so-called elite class? And most important of all, what does the person in your class have said that the average joe or jane didn’t say when they both were trying to talk you into business.

Sometimes, I think that nowadays people are valued for what they have, their possession and their status or class in society. Politicians claimed that democracy provides freedom and equal opportunity for all the people who elected them. Well, what is said is not what is done. If those people in the elite class keep on putting full thrust and giving opportunity to those within their class, I strongly believe that poverty and wealth will continuously be inherited and passed on from one generation to another.

I must also say that I do believe that everybody has equal chance to change their fate but I’d like to stress that it’ll take more effort for an average joe or jane to change their fate and quality of life compared to those who inherited the elite status from their parents. How do I proof myself right? Let’s analyse together shall we. Compare these two situations, an average joe/jane has nothing to start with - no hot leads, not a very strong financial aid, the only thing that they have is idea. On the other hand, this child born in the elite class, automatically inherits and builds strong connection with potential client, and most important of all monetary aid and support from family to start a business. All this child has to do is strengthens the connection, and at any given time easily sweet-talk them into business. Business and life are so much easier for this child as (s)he already has a strong and solid foundation to continuously live up his/her life. Everything that (s)he needs has been laid, all (s)he has to do is grab the chance when the average joe/jane had to work his/her ass up and learn the hardest way just to get a small business deal. So, this is what they call equal opportunity for all to compete, huh?!

I’m not fed-up of the way our government is maneuvered by the politicians or in anyway going against their rulings. I’m just sick and tired of the way things are set in our society, how the rich gets richer and the poor continuously stays in poverty or at least the next generation had to work hard just to get up a notch in the society hierarchy. If this goes on, we’re actually cultivating a very unhealthy competition in not just business industry but most of all, life. Maybe some of you think how does unequal business opportunity relate to chances in life? Well, let’s ponder at another situation. An average joe/jane could only afford to go to average school, while a child from elite class is sent to most of the time, infamous private school that’s well know for best educational institution. And the list goes on, on how fortunate the child from elite class can be. I’m just writing about business and education just to name a few.

Now, imagine the bigger picture and how wealth, class and status in society impact one’s quality of life and most of all the opportunity to change one’s fate.

P/s: I’m not babbling about this out of regret for being born as an average jane in fact I’m grateful to be average jane because I get the chance to strive and work hard to succeed. And what better way to learn a lesson than the hard way.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

With raya song humming in my head, I'd like to wish all my muslim friends "Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf zahir & batin". This year, my hubby & I have decided to celebrate the 1st day of raya at my parents' place in Subang. We may be heading back to my hubby's kampung on the night of raya, so that we'll be able to reach his kampung before dawn of the 2nd day of raya. We intend to avoid traffic that's predicted to be heavy by raya & devali eve.

We plan to spend a night at his kampung, and for the following couple of days we'll be at my parents' kampung cause I've been begging him to go visit my grandpa. After that, we'll spend one more day at my hubby's kampung before we head back to KL on Tues, 8 nov. I've planned to meet up my ex-school mates who'll be celebrating their raya in the northern region.

I always thought that this year we'll be able to throw a house warming party & raya open house for our friends, but my prediction was wrong. We may have to stay at my in-laws' place for a longer period to give way for the renovation to be completed. Sorry guys, looks like I won't be able to invite you guys to my open house. Hopefully, the house will be ready by next year.

Again, "Selamat hari raya to all" and not forgetting the Hindus who'll be celebrating Deepavali, "Happy Divali". I'm trying to make my hubby buy me one of those Indian costumes. I've always wanted to have one.

p/s: I'm not in a good mood. I've been gloomy since the day my tailor told me that she won't be able to finish with the sewing of my baju raya. A couple of days ago, I've been trying to get a ready-made kebaya but no size fits me :-( Sedey, uwaaaa.

Nasi Ulam Bonda

It's been a while since the last time I updated my blog. Sempena bulan Ramadhan ni, nk la kongsi cite ttg betapa keinginan aku menggunung utk berbuka puase dgn Nasi ulam. Some of you may wonder, ape ke menatang nasi ulam tu? Nasi ulam doesn't much intro for those from Kedah sbb nasi ulam ni org2 Kedah je yg tahu care2 nk menyediakannye/menjamahnye.

Last weekend, I went to my parents place. Mase tgh menyediakan juadah berbuka puase, trus ku khabarkn kpd ibuku hasrat utk mkn nasi ulam. Sejak awal Ramadhan lg mmg aku dh kebulur nk mkn nasi ulam, udah pueh mencari kt psr ramadhan yg ade hanyela nasi kerabu. Dpt peluang berbuke umah bonda, ku gunekan peluang itu sebaik mungkin. Bonda pon bgtau dia br jek mkn mase aritu dia balik kampung. Kebetulan, bonda br pulang dr kampung halaman - byk la ulam2 yg dibwk pulang ke pekan. Girangnya rasa hati tidak terkira, makanan yg diidam2kan akhirnya dpt jugak.

Aku bkn le arif sgt ttg care nk sediakn nasik ulam, ptg tu aku jd pembantu bonda kt dapur. Aku ikut jek perintah bonda. Bonda suruh hiris halus2 ulam, aku buat, bonda suruh tumbuk bhn2, aku tumbuk. Mmg agak remeh penyediaan nasi ulam, tp sbb nk mkn punye psl, aku wat jek dan hasil nye sungguh LAZAT. T'ubat la skang rasa rindu pada masakan arwah nenda (nasi ulam ni arwah nenda yg paling pandai masak & sebetulnye rindu kt semua masakan arwah nenda).

At one time, I miss my late grandma's cooking so much that I dreamt of her cooking for me. In that dream, I told her how much I miss her. I cried my heart out, and she was weeping as she listened to my complaints.

Car hit

Yesterday I was on medical leave, as usual it's the diarrhea attack that forced me to stay in bed. I'd to drag my feet to drive to the regular clinic. The doctor even noticed that my stomach could be easily attacked by diarrhea based on my medical report that he keeps. Seriously since I got married my stomach has become sensitive and allergic to overnight food.

Last Sunday, I forced my hubby & sons out for Raya shopping. We went to my favourite shopping stop, Mid Valley. It was about 12 pm yet the cars queuing to get a parking space was massive. As we were waiting for the long queue to move forward, we were halted by a minor car accident. The driver of the kelisa was already out of her car, barking from the top of her lung to the driver who hit her car bumper. Imagine this, she dashed out of her car the minute it was hit. She didn't even bother to move it a side before confronting the driver. Apparently her car was left in the middle of the junction, obstructing the rest of the queue to move. I was ticked off by the fact that it was just a very minimal accident that she wanted to make a big fuss over it.

Sometimes I just don't understand Msian drivers, they'll easily pissed off if other car accidently scratched theirs. It's just a scratch man, why must you put up a fight for something so small? People can't even see the scratch from afar. I remember there was one time when I was driving to work from Sg Buloh to Bkt Jalil. A waja was hit by a wira, I couldn't even notice the scratch on her car's bumper that had ticked her off. I really don't get it, I mean a car is just a car. If it happened to me, frankly I would just let it go. Well actually it happened to me once, a motorbike hit my car, the hit left a scratch on my car. The motorcyclist raised his hand as a sign of apology. I was cool, I raised my hand to say that it was fine. I'm not sure about other people, but to me if it ain't serious, I don't really mind. The most important thing to me is both parties are safe and sound, one could purchase and possess a car but one could never buy or repay others' life.

How sexy is Your Name?

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity

-A-

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

-B-

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate.
You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval.
You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

-C-

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

-D-

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

-E-

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up.
You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal.
When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.)

-F-

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born
romantic.
Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a
Very generous lover.

-G-

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

-H-

You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment.
Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating
habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

-I-

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change.
You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

-J-

You are totally ing marvelous!

-K-

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually
stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

-L-

You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

-M-

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you
Throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred.
You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense.
You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

-N-

You are crap in bed. Much practice and learning is needed.

-O-

You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

-P-

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of
Doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy;
A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of
Sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.
You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

-Q-

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

-R-

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body.
However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

-S-
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

-T-

You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on.
You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated,
titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your
relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

-U-

You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom.
You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

-V-

You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

-W-

You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is.
You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

-X-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind.
You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

-Y-

You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your
relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.
However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

-Z-

For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Grow up! You aren’t 14 anymore!

Last Friday, a colleague informed me about the latest issue in her marital life. Frankly, I never intend to poke my nose into others’ marital issues cause I don’t like others to interfere the wonderful marital life that my hubby & I are leading. Anyway, back to my colleague, she was telling me about the problem that she was facing with her hubby. I’m well aware that she’s in her 8th week’s pregnancy, and she’s carrying her third child. Her second child was only 12 months a couple of months ago. I’m also aware of her economical condition; her hubby hasn’t got a permanent employment yet plus the fact that she’s earning more than her hubby.

She told me that she had a fight with her hubby over her hubby’s habit of playing online gaming till late at night. And her hubby could be considered a hardcore player. She said, her hubby was complaining about not having much time for himself. Time away from the children and his wife; time to enjoy himself. I must admit that sometimes, married couples need a space for individual pleasure but if a spouse need very frequent period of time away from the family, that’s very intolerable. I know the fact that the couple got married at a very young age might be the contributing factor, but hey, my hubby and I got married in young too. Age doesn’t really matter, what matters is how you carry the responsibilities of being a husband to your wife, father to your children and leader of the family.

I was so pissed off when I learnt that his hubby would rather spend his time playing online game at cyber café till the middle of the night almost every single day. Hey man, you aren’t 14 anymore, grow up! You’ve got two kids looking up to you as their idol, the idol to guide them thru the facts of life. Don’t bullshit your wife with excuses like, ‘I need sometimes for myself’, ‘I want spare time to hang out with my friends’. I’m so raged to learn this. I mean, if you couldn’t handle the huge responsibilities, why did you take the vow of marrying her in the first place? Shit like, ‘I am the youngest in my siblings, that’s why I’m so immature’ is unacceptable especially when they're expecting their third child. The first two child’s births should have transformed you into a man with responsibilities. You should take the honour of being a father by behaving, thinking, and acting like one (jangan pandai buat anak jek, tp anak serah kt bini bulat2).

Maybe it’s true that one needs a space for individual pleasure and time away from the children. As for me and my hubby the best escapade from our children is the time that we get to spend together without the children ie a movie for just the two of us. Correct me if I’m wrong, marital life isn’t about individuality anymore, it’s about giving-and-taking, tolerance and most of all opening up more space in your heart for your loved ones, plus the spouses must also be willing to forgive and forget any wrong doings between them. Most important of all, don’t be ashamed to admit your mistake, there’s no such thing as embarrassment when it comes to saying sorry for things done.

Salam Ramadhan

Salamsss,

Sempena bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ini aku nak mengambil kesempatan mengucapkan selamat berpuasa buat sume muslimin muslimat di seluruh dunia. Ucapan ini khusus untuk ex-cko sume, tibe2 t'ingat time pose kt IMU dolu2 especially bile ade jamuan berbuke pose. Sonok gak dpt lepak2 dgn student and staf2 IMU yg lain.

Sekali lagi selamat menjalankan ibadah puase dgn penuh keinsafan & byk2kn la amal di bulan ni, solat terawih jgn tuang.

Life, a bed of roses?

Have you ever been haunted by feeling of guilt and regret for very important life decisions? Do you wish that you could unwind the clock, turn back to the time when you were about to make the decision, and undo the steps that you’d taken? Last night, I’ve been thinking about the events that took place in my life that had taken me to where I am today. I felt regret about most of the events. I have just come to realise that I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes through out my life.

The first biggest mistake that I did was back in 1995, when I registered to a science boarding school. It was a compulsory for all the students to take up 10 subjects for the MCE exam. I was told that pure science students were given choice of either to take up Geography or Principle of Account as the tenth subject in the MCE exam. Please be reminded that this choice was only offered when we had been taught Geography half way through the semester. About half of the science stream students decided to gave up Geography subject and learn the Principle of Account. As for me, I thought that it’d be wiser to continue learning the subject since Geography had been taught since we were in Form 1. It didn’t turn out positive, I did badly for the paper and those who took Account got better results and the subject actually helped to boost their aggregate. I really regretted that I didn’t take Account because all this while I know that I do much better with subject that involve numbers. I’ve come to understand that those who took Account had more choices in field of studies selection to further their studies.

With a 9-aggregate for MCE, I got an offer to join one of the matriculation centers not far from my parents’ place. After the registration, I had come to understand that the students there were the selected ones, ie those with excellent result, mostly a 6-aggregate MCE holder. As an average student, I wasn’t good enough to be joining the crème of the cream. Almost 95% of them were true geniuses. I was always left in the dark when they could easily understand all the subjects taught. Despite this, I ended up with a three-pointer result. Once the programme was completed, I then had to make another important decision in my life, ie choosing my degree course.

This decision was the biggest step that took me to where I am currently. I was clueless in making up my mind over the courses offered. At first I thought of taking up engineering coz all this while I really enjoy learning subjects with a lot of numbers and principles in them. But a close cousin of mine said that engineering field isn’t meant for girls, and he suggested that I took Information Technology instead. Knowing that he used to study IT in college, I decided to go with his advice.

During my second year of studying IT, I started to realise that I didn’t have passion in the field instead I fell for literature. At this point, I thought that I’d be better off in the literature line. I voiced my decision to a close lecturer and my boyfriend (at present, my hubby), both disapproved it. They advised me to complete my degree course and said that I could divert to another line of studies during my masters degree (if I were to further my studies). It took me four years to finish my 1st degree when most of my coursemates managed to do it within three years. Studying something out of passion, what do you expect?

After graduation, time to get myself a job. At this point, I was fortunate compared to a number of my close friends. The good command of English was a credit for me to be employed. My first job didn’t involve much IT in it. So did my second employment. The first two employments dealt a lot with teaching people. At this point, I still I failed to realise that I have passion in communicating with people because I could naturally connect with them. Due to some mishaps, I decided to move on and thought that it was time for me to put my line of studies to practice. So, I got a job that dealt with IT after all but in the end I gave up practicing IT coz it didn’t suit me at all. I wasn’t meant to be doing the same thing over and over again, I couldn’t handle the pressure of doing the same task again and again. That was when I realized that I was much better off at my old workplace dealing with people. I really missed my old workplace, too bad that the department had been shut down due to disastrous management issues.

After a few months of heartaches with the IT thingy, I finally found a job in Cyberjaya, a job with my passion in it. Even though my current job doesn’t involve as much people compared to my second employment, it opens up opportunity for me to connect with the people on the floor.

I guess my life was always about experimenting and trying out things. I must admit that I keen to learn new things every day but I easily felt bad about myself when I experiment things that weren’t meant for me. This reminded me of an interview session I attended. The interviewer asked me where do I see myself in 5 years time. I was clueless then. Before I could speak up my mind, he jumped to conclusion that I’d end up being a mother of 5 with nothing much to be proud of. I was so pissed off back then. But today, when I finally come to my senses and analyse what he said, I still don’t have a clue of where I’ll be in five years time. My only target is to be wealthy someday, but I’m still trying to figure out the method to achieve this target.

I hope that I’ll be much wiser in making decisions. I realise that I couldn’t dump 100% of my problems and decision-makings to my hubby. I must grow up! I may be more than a quarter decade old, but my thinking doesn’t reflect my age. Sometimes I felt like I’m a sixteen-year-old girl trapped in an adult body. I’ll have to find a way to fix my own problems. God, please help me go through this long, winding journey of life.

Another family affairs

It's been a while since the last time I updated my blog. The main reason: I didn't know what to type in, not much happened in my life ever since the last post, just normal routine I guess.

Yesterday, or last weekend I went to my parents' place just like my normal weekend ritual whenever my hubby had unsettled matters at work. After dropping my hubby at his office, I headed straight my parents' place with my two boys. As soon as I got there, my mommy asked me to send her to my aunt's place after Asar prayer to return the baju kurungs that she helped out with the stitching.

Once, we've all performed the Asar prayer, we were off to my aunt's place but prior to that, we dropped off my sister at the nearest bus stop. My sister had to get back to her college by 8.00pm. We arrived at my aunt's place at around 6pm. My aunt asked my mom to cook her heavenly “mee goreng basah” recipe. Once, we were done with all the cookings, we were all ready to stomach in the tasty mee goreng. This was when the interesting part peeped in.

My aunt told my mom about the latest news on their father ie my grandpa. Before I proceed with the details of my grandpa’s condition let me just highlight my closeness to him. I never really favour him when I was young compared to my late grandma, you see my late grandma was the one who baby-sat me most whenever my mom was 'unfit' to function as a mother. I won't elaborate more on my mom's 'unfitness'. Back to my grandpa, I always knew how much he loves my late grandma, he loves her so much that he chose not to re-marry even though it's been six years since my late grandma passed away. I remember how he used to tell me of all the details about their love for each other back in my school days, this was when I was schooling in the northern region. I was always touched by their wonderful love story and I've always expected how his life is gonna be like if my grandma 'left' him. My prediction was true, he's been dreaming of her ever since my grandma’s death. The last time I visited my grandpa was last year, a few days after raya, I've never contacted him since then.

My aunt said lately, none of my grandpa's children ie my aunt & uncles who are living nearby had never even bothered to pay a visit. I always knew that most of them have a lot of misunderstandings & controversial matters with my grandpa but I've never thought that they would go to the extreme of abandoning him. It's fortunate that an uncle & his family are still living with my grandpa, he's the only person that my grandpa could express his feelings to. The saddest part was, when my aunt told us of how my grandpa had to "tebalkan muka" & visit my uncles & aunt, when they should be the ones who visit him.

I was deeply touched with this latest news. How could they treat him that way? In his golden ages, all he wants is some sense of affection & love from his sons & daughters. I know how my uncles & aunts always fight each other over my grandpa’s wealth. I understand how lonely his life is right now, especially with my grandma’s absence. For years, he's been talking about his death, he told me once how he longed to die just to be with his loving wife, my grandma. I couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks as I was typing this entry. I could imagine how would it feel like to be left out by your loved ones.

As soon as I got home, I told my hubby about this news, and how I desperately need to see my grandpa. I could clearly recall the day he sent me back to my hostel, how he guided me thru the route back to my hostel from his home, so that I wouldn't have to rely on him whenever I felt like visiting his home. My grandpa always taught me how to be independent, how to face life, how to be successful in life, how to tough. I guess that is why he was always strict with his children. I remembered how he likes to tell me stories about how things were back then, how he scolded my uncles and all, and this fact will always remain in my mind, he said something like this, “of all my grandchildren, you are the ones who enjoyed listening to my lectures & stories”. He said this when my sister and I were still young girls.

p/s: I really need to see my grandpa (sobbed). I wanna tell him how much I love him. I wanna thank him for all the things that he taught...