Thursday, March 13, 2008

Lately my eldest son has been asking for me to give him a baby girl. Truth to tell, I do crave for a baby girl to be a part of our small family as well but my not-so privilege childhood made me think more than twice about having more children. I was brought up in a big family with five younger siblings that I constantly had to help my mom care for. I distinctly remember having to help my mom change my younger sisters and brother nappies at the tender age of six. Two years later when I was in Standard Two and had just recovered from chicken pox, another new member of the family was brought home making six number of children occupying the quarters that we were staying in. It also meant that the more nappies that I would be changing. I always felt ashamed of admitting to have five younger sisters and brothers to my friends mostly because many of them had less number of siblings than I do. I could vividly recall my childhood being filled with nappy changing, bathing and looking after my younger siblings, and helping them with their homework. I envied my other school friends who didn’t have as much responsibility as I did. They could happily play with friends of the same age freely. Wherever I’d go, my sisters and brothers would be seen clinging on to me. Back then, I always wished that I had only had one younger sister in the family instead of five little ones. I remember asking my mom why she didn't stop breeding after having two daughters. My mom didn’t reply my questioning (Only recently have I had the answer to it.

Having to share everything that I had with my five siblings turned me into an adolescent who despises children, an attribute which is the opposite of my mom who simply adores children. I could clearly recall the times when I chased children (especially the naughty ones) out of my house during my teen age years. My mom back then frequently reminded me not to mistreat those children. She kept saying that someday I might be blessed with children who’d be handful. I guess God heard her warning and made them come true just so that I’d learn my lesson. My two sons were quite handful especially the youngest one. Whenever I see adorable girls in their girly dresses, I do feel the clingyness of having one but I always fight the sense that I had with thoughts of my past childhood and the heftiness of bringing up the two boys. Even before I started breeding, I warned myself and my hubby not to have too many children plainly because (1) I don’t like children, (2) I don’t want my boys to go through the same childhood which I had experienced. I do want my eldest son to have a sense of responsibility but not as much as I did. Plus, I personally think that I am not capable of attending and entertaining the needs of too many children. I had experienced the lack of attention from my parents when I was young (cause they were busy attending to my younger siblings) and so I do not want my boys to feel that they are any least loved by me or my hubby. I want them to have all the love and attention from us.