Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Sayonara 2005

In less than a week we’ll bid farewell to year 2005 and enter a new year, 2006. In less than a week we’ll have to start things in a new diary where we’ll witness a new chapter in our life. The clock seems to tick faster than it used to be since most of us are unaware of how rapid time flies by. It seemed like I had eldest son, Azhan yesterday yet, next Tuesday, Jan 3 2006 his kindergarten class would begin.

For the past 11 and three-quarter months, a number of things had happened in our life, may it be brightmoments or all sorts of different emotions and feelings towards the events, all the memories actually add spice to our life. Just like a Malay saying, ‘hidup ini ibarat roda, kadang di atas, kadang di bawah’. Many of us failed to see that those ups, downs, twists and turns actually make us wiser and become better persons cause we would have learnt something from the obstacles. Life ain’t always bed of roses, I’d say yet there are those moments that we treasured most that might have occurred in our life and believe it or not there are a number of people out there who live their lives with those beautiful memories to help them struggle their way out of poverty.

Before I enroll into the master’s programme, I never miss this charity-based tv programme, Bersamamu. I used to complaint about how unfortunate I was but watching the programme made me realized that they are quite a number of Msian are still living in poverty and I should have been grateful that I am much fortunate than them cause I’m employed with good wages and I’d never experienced shortage of food.

Frankly, I’m not really sure what does the Bersamamu series has got to do with saying goodbye to year 2005 but one thing that I know for sure is; no matter how unfortunate you felt you were in 2005, bear in mind that there are others who are more unfortunate than you. Who knows when the best of you will be unveiled, time and tide wait for no man nor woman. It’s up to us to change ourselves and it’s up to us to change the way we perceive our mishaps cause believe it or not we’ll never know for sure the ‘hikmah’ beneath the mishaps. After all, obstacles and mishaps are a part of spices that add flavours to our life. So, enjoy life while you can! Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Acquaintances vs Friends

Benar lah kata org2 dulu kala, “kawan ketawa senang dicari, tp kawan menangis satu dlm seribu pon susah nk cari”. Last nite I started to realize that in my entire life, my one and only closest friend is my hubby. I wondered how life would be like without him. It’s not as if I don’t have any friends at all but I don’t think that I have any that can be considered as true friend. To me a true friend is someone who’s willing to stay in a friendship with me in facing any kind of circumstances especially during the downs, twists and turns.

There are a number of reasons that I use as excuses of not having a best friend for the past few years. The first and strongest excuse was the family barrier, you see my parents were and have always been very protective. I remember there was a time when my classmate rang me at home to ask me about the day’s homework. We only talked for about 20 to 30 minutes; my mom had started nagging me. This was her most popular line, “Kat skolah tak leh sembang ke?” She usually said it out loud that my friend could hear her nag in the back. So, to keep her mouth shut I ended up not having close and not to mention best friend during my early school days. The people closest to me back then were my siblings.

Second reason is also related to my family, the way I was brought up to be specific. My parents and grandpa have always taught me to be independent. They taught me that the person who knows us best is ourselves. They had cultivated this belief that no matter what happens to me, the only person who is willing to reach out and lend a helping hand is myself. The second person that I could rely on according to them is my family.

I could say that I’m not so friendly type of person cause I have this phobia of getting close to a person and losing that person someday in my life. It happened to me once when I was in secondary school. I was quite close to this Chinese girl. I enjoyed her company but we lost touch when she moved to different school. I tried to get reach of her, but she her cold response disappointed me. From that moment on, I knew that my mom was right about friendship.

When I moved to a boarding school, I found it hard to cope and adapt the culture cause everyone seem to be heading anywhere in pairs. I was still keeping myself alone. It was an awkward for the rest of them upon learning that I didn’t have a buddy to keep me company wherever I went. I figured it was an advantage for me cause I didn’t have to wait on for someone else to go to class or any other activities that we had to attend. I could clearly recall one of my dorm mates’ nag about me going somewhere on my own. She was worried if anything happened to me, no one would realize my absence. She was telling me this when she got to know that I would usually go to the bathroom alone in the middle of the night. I told her that I’d rather be there alone than waking up any of them and finding out that the person that accompanied me was not a real person (a ghost).

I always believe that I’m not so fortunate when it comes to friendship. Even after leaving school, I still found it hard to get a buddy who would keep me company during my university years. I’d rather head to class alone than waiting up for others. Somehow during my years of studies, I got to know someone whom I considered quite close to me, my housemate who was also my course mate. I figured I had to be close to her because we were in the same course. She was quite furious when she got to know that I once walked back alone to our hostel all the way from college. As I said earlier, I was always unfortunate in friendship. Once we graduated, we headed back to our respective hometowns and from that point on we drifted apart. We are still in touch but the closeness was never there.

I remember once I had to make distress calls to a number of all the so-called friends. It all happened when my car tire punctured. The first person that I rang was none other than my hubby. Unluckily, my hubby was at his office, some 35 minutes away from where I was. It was almost dusk, I didn’t what to do. Since my phone batter was running low, I sent distress SMS stating that my car tire punctured and I needed help to a number of people listed in my phone’s address. I almost burst to tears when none of them responded. I then found myself desperate and needed urgent respond so I called up a friend whom I knew in college. She told me that she was working outstation so I decided, desperate situation called for desperate measure. I asked her how could I replace the punctured tire with the spare one. She told me the steps of removing the punctured tire. When I was in the midst of changing the tire, a motorbike rider with his friend stopped by to offer help. At first I was a bit reluctant cause I was paranoia especially with all the road rage cases reported. With paranoia conquering my senses I quickly rang my hubby to let him know that a couple of men were helping me, just in case should anything bad happened to me my hubby would be aware of my whereabouts. I was surprised when the help offered was genuine and touched by their honesty.

As I was driving back home, I learnt the most important lesson in life, “kawan menangis memang susah dicari”. I was really disappointed and sad upon learning that none of the people in my phone’s address were my friend. Could you imagine none out of twenty in the list responded? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? One thing that struck me the most was some of them were staying nearby to the place where I was stranded yet they couldn’t give any feedback. Is it always hard to help others in need? I guess acquaintances would only consider one as their friends when one is surrounded by wealth and fame. ‘Mase tu sume orang nak menempek kat kekayaan dan name orang tadi.’ That’s the fact of life. And the most shocking findings from the incident was, (sorry I had to say this out loud, baby) even my so-called beloved hubby wasn’t there to help me out, instead two strangers in their factory uniforms genuinely lent helping hands. I kept telling myself that I must find those two guys to reward them, Malays said, “hutang budi dibawa mati” and I don’t think that I’ll ever forget that. It’ll only be buried with my dead body.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

tight schedule

I've been so busy with work plus other responsibilites as a wife, mother and latest gradute student. My tight schedule doesn't allow me to do most of the things that I used to do for leisure.

Got to go. Have an urgent task to finish before end of the day.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Last nite I had the scariest dream ever. I dreamt of being a ‘pontianak’, the Malay version of vampire. It ain’t the 1st time I had this kind of dream; dream of becoming a ghost and there had been a number of version on how I became one. But last nite’s version was the scariest. It all happened when I went back to my kampong. It was pass midnight. All the relatives were busy preparing goodies for Hari Raya. My two cousin sisters happened to see a couple of pontianak passing by. I was distracted from doing my chores when my cousins giggled. I asked them about what they were looking at that made them giggle. They told me about the pontianak and pointed the whereabout of the pontianak. I peeked thru the holes in the wall, and quickly ducked when I realized that the pontianak were aware that they were being watched. I told my cousins about it, we were shocked. We tried to close the windows and door that were wide opened, but the pontianak were faster than us. They got into the house when the door was about to be closed.

The pontianak promised that they wouldn’t do harm to us with one condition; one of us had to be sacrificed. They instructed on what to do for the selection of candidate to be sacrificed. I’d say the process of selection was rather unique. We were asked to dance in certain way. The instruction was really quick and short that I couldn’t comprehend causing me to fail in performing the dance as they wanted. The pontianak pointed at me and said they were going to take me away. I was crying my heart out. My hubby tried to protect me from being taken but my relatives were holding him back and said that it was for the safety of others.

I didn’t really know the purpose of the sacrifice process. I thought the pontianak were going to eat me up. They then told me that they were going to turn me into a pontianak. I couldn’t recall how I became one of them. My entire life totally changed with this transformation. They treated me like a slave, I was always forced to serve them with victims for their dinner. I kept thinking of my hubby and my two children. One night, I went back to my used to be home just to have a look at my family. I saw my hubby and kids watching videos of me. I saw how they missed me as much as I missed them. One footage broke me to tears. The footage was recorded on the night I was taken away from my family. I watched how my hubby was held back by my relatives as the pontianak took me away. I saw how I cried my heart out, I saw what I used to be and how I looked like. I saw how my children repeatedly asked my hubby to keep playing the video about me. I tried to touch my hubby and children but my hands couldn’t reach them.

I woke up from the scariest nightmare with tears running down my cheeks. I quickly called my hubby who I haven’t seen in two days just to check on him. I told him about my dream and how I much I love him and my kids. I told him that I don’t wanna lose any of them.

This scariest dream made me realized how precious my family is to me. I used to think that I could live without my family. I guess I was wrong. I now know that I could never live without them.

Dear God, please don’t take my family away from me, don’t take me away from them either and please don’t tear us apart. I could never live without them.