system is shutting down

pernah tak korg rase ill-separated as u guys go thru ur daily routine? dalam mase terdekat ni, that's how i feel. my systems started to hay wire ever since he left. i couldnt think or eat or do anything. at times, i'd just blankly stare at the family portraits hung on the wall as i feel my heart drop. most of the times, i feel like crying myself to sleep all day long. and as the separation period gets longer, the wound gets deeper and more of my body systems are shutting down with each day that passes.

i always thought i was a strong, indipendent person. to some people i may seem strong on the surface, but deep inside i'm very vulnerable especially when it concerns the closest person to me. i've never been this close to anyone, usually i'd keep myself to myself. i guess that's why i'm taking my separation with the closest guy to me, very very hard. i'm just counting the days for him to return home. i miss u so much, baby.

Why are we (human beings) so different from one another?

When I first enroll for a master’s degree with a business graduate school, my only goal was to complete the course and be qualified with that certificate. I could vividly recall the day when I filled up the application form. There was a column asking why I would like to sign up for the course. I wrote that I wanted to specialize in training and development as I’m a people-oriented person. I have passion in meeting with different people to exchange thought and ideas and hopefully improve and educate them with new knowledge or expertise and I believe that being in training and development department would give me the opportunity to realize my passion.

Along my enrolment, sometimes it occurred to me if any of those subjects thought during the course would be off benefit to me and the people that I will eventually work with. I couldn’t really relate them with the real world situation. But as I learnt the different theories of motivation in my courses, I’ve just realized that human beings apart from physical difference, they also have varieties of wants and needs in their life that sort of alter and evolve from time to time. Let’s take a university student who has just graduated. After the convocation ceremony, he will start his job hunt, so his driving force is to get himself employed. Once he’s employed and got his first salary, he’ll start working diligently to better perform at his work which sometimes is driven by the hope of getting an increment or the very least some sense of acknowledgement from the employer. After an increment, he’ll work his way to get a promotion which is usually awarded with sense of empowerment and authority. But, let’s say the country is under economic downturns or the organisation is downsizing, his driving force to work is into securing his job in the organisation.

Sometimes I just don’t understand human being; us, the people. I can’t help but wonder what exactly do we really want in our life? Why do these needs and wants vary and progress or regress from time to time? Are we unsure of what we want? Why don’t we just stick to only 1 type of want or need so that we can stop complicating our life?

The theories that I learnt differ from one to another. some theory indicated that we have certain number of needs, some theory claimed a different number of needs and some theory said something else about human driving forces. I guess all the different theories point to one important lesson; the nature of human creation itself is unique compared to other non complex species. Each individual within the homo sapien species is different from one to another hence we’re all individually unique. Have you ever come across any two persons in the world with identical thumb print? Even identical twins who are copy cat of one another which are identical in their physical features have unique thumb prints.

This is just one point that relates to our different needs. What about our needs that vary from time to time? The homo sapien lifehood is more complicated than the animals, or plants or any other species. When other species lifecycle is just to breed, eat, sleep, rest, and soon die, human on the other hands have certain varying goals to attain as they progress from the day the were born till the day they die. And along this long adventurous journey they have to learn and adapt to the many different hoods ie childhood, adulthood, neighborhood, brotherhood, parenthood and the other related hoods before their last breath. The complicated life cycle equipped with a complex brain, I think are some of the factors that lead to the different and varying needs and wants.

Most of the acclaimed philosophers and scientist were and are so interested in finding out our varying needs and understanding how these needs could be fulfilled. Have they ever wondered why each of the homo sapien species is created to be different and unique from one to another? As a person who’s raised religiously, I was informed by my religious teachers that we are created unique so that we’d try to understand each other and learn more from one another instead of treating others indifferently despite our differences. Long ago I didn’t quite get it, but now as I learn more about human attributes, I begin to understand them and I learn to respect their different physical characters as well as their needs which are sometimes contrary to mine.

I’m not sure if those renowned philosophers and scientist were thinking what I’ve at the back of my mind right now. It makes me worship the God more for His Greatness. I don’t even know if any of their findings have made them wonder how could such a complex living creature exist without being created by a Holy creator? Did it ever occur to them that the Darwin’s evolution theory about human is wrong? Isn’t it obvious that we could never exist without first being created by God? There is no such thing as accident in living creature’s existence. Shouldn’t our complex life cycle, unique identities, and sophisticated body system be evident enough that there must be a something that create such beautiful living thing? If their empirical and scientific researches didn’t unveil the faith of God, I can only empathize them for their blissful unawareness. Well, I’m not a preacher. I’m just an ordinary human being who tries to relate our varieties of needs, and differences to the nature of human creation.

Without you...

A lot of things had happened since my hubby decided to work in Manchester. The first thing was my resignation. I quit my job mainly because I couldn’t handle everything on my own, which is juggling between being a good employee, an attentive mother, a great home maker and excellent student. A week after my ‘self-termination’, (that was the term that the HR manager of my former employer used when she was addressing my resignation matter with my team leader) I updated my other blog with a post commenting about the way my coursemates were treating me.

Whenever I post an update to any of my blogs I would deliberately write everything and anything that was running in my head, my mind and get them out of my chest. Ain’t it obvious? It’s my blog, it’s up to me to decide on the kind of topics that I’d want to share with the readers (though I know that not many would wanna read it). It’s not like I explicitly type out the name(s) of the person(s) I was talking about. Was it wrong for me to express my feelings? As I was typing that particular post, that topic was the most disturbing agenda that I had in my mind and my chest. I didn’t know who, how or where to let it out to. My blogs are my only means of exploding my rampage mind to others. At least, I never let it out loud to their faces. May be, I should have done that instead. All I asked for was some empathy, but none was given. After that blatant post on my blog went through to one of them, I sensed negative vibes around them. I pretended as if nothing happened. To avoid that unhealthy ambience, I decided to finish the assignment on my own instead. Long story short, the completion of the assignment was worthwhile as the professor gave us credit for it. He really liked the presentation.

Then, just a few days before I sit for the semester’s final exam, one of them informed me that they found that particular post on my blog was rather disturbing. So what if I wanted to comment them on their ‘kind’ remark towards me? I just needed someone to listen to my twists and turns. Is that so hard for them to do? I tried explaining my mishaps once or twice but none seemed to care or even listened. I felt like I was chased away when one commented, “why didn’t you go off with your hubby?” After all the explanation about how costly it would be to study abroad, one could still come out with that remark. I just don’t understand why some people never try to understand other people’s hardship in life. I guess my hubby was right about everyone being selfish. Almost every person that I know only cares about their feelings and frustrations without thinking of others, and not even once that they tried to understand my situation.

On the night of my final paper for that semester, my hubby’s mother called. I returned her call just after I walked out the exam hall. She informed that she and her husband were in the neighbourhood and asked if I would want her to pick up my boys from the baby sitter’s place. I said yes. And soon after, I met them at their place. They bought baju raya for my kids. We chatted as I enjoyed the meal they prepared. For the very first time during my six years of marriage, I’ve found a topic that we could comfortably talk about; my hubby’s working abroad. I’ve been longing for this moment, the time when I could finally see eye to eye with them. All this while I’ve been snobbish, and now that my hubby’s 17,000 kms away from me, it made me realized that they’re the closest persons that connect me to my hubby. To my beloved hubby, your going away may have been the greatest lost now but it has brought you, me and the kids so much closer to your parents and your entire family.

Since you were gone...

I'm so indulged in my new role as 'almost single stay at home mom' that I haven't been able to update this little blog of mine. It's been approximately eight weeks since my hubby depart to Manchester. I never thought that I'd miss him this much. And with everyday that passes by without my hubby being physically there for us, my eldest son, Han is becoming more and more like him. It never occurred to me or my hubby that our eldest will pick up my hubby's artistic attribute; drawing talent. I never imagined that my 5-year old son can actualy draw. When he was younger, he never really shown his interest or talent to draw. He was just like any other boy his age when they hold on to pencils; they scribble.

Ever since my hubby started working in Manchester, Han has somehow developed a liking to draw. He'd spend most of his spare time at home drawing compared to his younger brother Nine who prefers reading books. Han usually draws anything that pops into his head, most of his drawings are sketches of objects that he sees. For intance, yesterday he found is old coloring book with illustration of dinosaurs on the cover. He looked at the picture, and tried to imitate it. Han's ability always amazes me, but today is extra special. His school teacher told me that my son is good at drawing. She asked me if he does the same at home, I plainly told her yes and I told her that my hubby is blessed with the same gift as Han. She told me that she was amazed with his drawing and what really amazed me was that, there's a story behind the picture that he drew.

The picture that Han drew was some sort of map of direction to the Jusco Mall where I took him and his younger brother to, last weekend. Han explained to his teacher about the place that he had gone to, that I drove him there. Eventually, he remembers everything that happened last weekend and he could actually put it down on a sheet of paper. When he got home, he drew his aunt's college; the place that we stopped by before going to the mall. I don't know how to describe my pride for having a boy like my eldest son, Azhan. He's the best gift from God that I've ever had. Not so talkative, quite sensitive young boy, reliable and sometimes helpful. Now that my hubby isn't around, Azhan is the one who's been helping me to clean up the house everytime his little brother messes their toys.

Enough is enough!

This is the 4th week my hubby has been away from our homeland since his depart to Manchester on July 16th. Only God knows how much I miss him. It’s been tough for me to deal with my usual routine without my hubby to lend a helping hand. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining about it since he’s only realizing my dream of being abroad. The only factor that is delaying my departure to join him is my studies. I thought of pursuing my studies there, somewhere closer to my hubby but due to the enormous school fees in the UK, I decided to complete my master’s degree here.

Life has been very difficult and challenging without him around. I’ve to handle every single little thing on my own. From handling the kids to households, everything becomes my responsibility now. Not to mention my other commitments like work and studies. As days go by I felt like the responsibilities became more burdening and greater with every tick of the seconds. So, last week, I said to myself, “this is it. I’ve had enough of juggling everything under my belt. I could’ve done it before because my hubby was here to ease the burden. I’ve to face the fact that each commitment is eating up my precious time with my kids. This has got to stop.” After some discussion (and a lil’ argument with my ever dearest hubby), I decided to terminate my self from committing to work (which eventually doesn’t improve career advancement) and concentrate on my studies (which I really enjoy doing) and attend to my kids’ growing needs.

Some of my colleagues were wondering the reason for my resignation. Some even thought that I got better offer elsewhere. I plainly told them that I just wanna focus on my studies and my family. I believe by quitting the job, I’d have ample time to study and spend time with my two boys. My resignation was also due to the fact that I miss my hubby so much. I do hope that with my termination, I’d be able to finish off my master’s degree at least, 1 semester earlier than scheduled, so I could join my beloved hubby earlier than we expected.

*peeps, pls pray that I do well for all my exams so I could be with my hubby. (sob sob)

back to reality

I've just got back from a one-week Eurotrip organised and sponsored by my hubby. We went to the most romantic city; Paris, stayed at a grand hotel overlooking the arch de triumph; hotel splendid etoile. Thanks so much Abg Sayang for making my dream a reality. The weather was fine in Paris, not too chill and not too hot, I really love the cool breeze despite the bright sunshine.

The most memorable moment spent in Paris would be our dinner at the infamous Eiffel tower which was followed by cruise along the river. We crossed all the 39 bridges in Paris. We watched the locals spend their summer along the river banks. Some were camping out, others were picnicking and there were even those who conducted dancing lesson there. My my, what a view. My hubby & I agreed that KL metropolitans should make full use of the rivers in KL. It could be a new place to hang out besides the mushrooming shopping complex. We didn't spend so much time on sightseeing as the main attractions are palaces and museums. According to our tour guide, there are about 59 museums all over Paris. That's a hell lot of museums and I was never interested in museums. To me, they are nothing but places with historical exhibits.
I haven't been able to upload the pictures taken in Paris as my hubby's USB cable had gone missing. I guess we'd have to buy a replacement for the cable.

After a couple of days spent in Paris, we headed to London via the Eurostar train. The journey took about 2 hours before we arrived at London's Waterloo station. London was damn hot (tapi xde la sepanas Cyberjaya). We didn't do much sightseeing since I was more eager to shop in London :D plus my hubby had been there before. We did take the Big Bus tour though, you know just to get a better pict of London and the places of interest around it. The most unforgettable event during my trip to London was the EuroPride parade. I couldn't help but wonder, what ever happened to their sanity that they end up being what they are. I prayed to God, please don't ever let such thing happen in my home land.

p/s: to view some of the picts taken go to anidraw.fotopages

Down with flu

I’ve been down with flu fever for the past few days. It’s been a while since the last time the flu germ infected my immunity system. I could think of some influential factors that caused the flu germ attack; first of, a week before the attack a close course mate of mine from the graduate school was sick with flu during our presentation day; the second factor would be our visit to Penang. My family and I went back to the Pearl Island to visit my husband’s family. It was damn hot back in the island, I think it could have been more than 34oC. I had never experience that kind of heat during any of our previous visit to Penang. After a few hours of arrival in Penang, we felt sore in our throats. A couple of days later, when we got home, the flu germ started to become inevitably visible.

Falling sick with flu fever had always been a nightmare to me. Whenever I’m down with the infamous influenza fever, I realized that I would not only influence me physically but also spiritually. I would be ill spirited cause the disease sort of shut down my entire body system especially the respiratory and when one of my nostrils is blocked, I couldn’t think straight which then would only demotivate me from doing anything and not to mention the heavy dosage of flu pills and cough syrups which cause drowsiness that may lead to falling asleep at work. Why do I have to make a big fuss about falling sick with flu? Well, my current situation doesn’t permit me to have the good old sleep as I’ve got tonnes of paper work to be completed for my studies. The long good night sleep caused by the medication had actually delayed some of the assignments. It then affected the rest of my group mate since it was a group assignment. I felt bad about causing such delay to my group.

At the moment, I'm in the battle against time as I'm really running out of time with 1 very important paper work to be completed and three enormous (i may exagerate d description of 1 text book but the rest are quite thick) text books to be read, understood & revised within a less than a week. Wish me luck, people as I'm in dire need of luck...

Sejambak bunga seharum wangian

Rasenye dh lame sgt tak m’update blog ni. Entah la mengapa, tp rasenye sbb terlalu sebok dgn study dan keje. Plus, my studies require me to do a lot of writings for the endless assignments, case studies and term papers. This could be one factor why I’m a lil’ bit lazy to write anything, maklumlah dh t’lalu byk rsnye nukilan b’btk ilmiah yg dihasilkan sepjg semester ni (ade unsur2 riak di situ, :D)

Kalu nk diikutkn mmg agak t’lewat utk mengucapkn Selamat Hari Ibu buat semua ibu di dunia. But I guess it’s not too late to thank and express my sincerest and deepest gratitude to my hubby and my 2 wonderful sons for the beautiful bouquet and the set of par fume that I’ve always wanted. I never thought that my hubby would personally hand it to me. Thanks B, really appreciate it. I really love those gifts. Tahun depan bagi lagi, bole? Kalu ade rezeki, I’ll pick those flowers myself when me and the kids join you in Bury. :D

Oh ya, on that very same day that I got the bouquet, I also received some beautiful tulips from a long lost friend. A very good friend of mine whom I haven’t met for the past 15 years and a friend I’ve been searching for quite sometimes. To my dear friend, thank you for the beautiful and colorful tulips. I do hope that we could stay friends forever. Hopefully, we could finally meet when I’m in your town, soon... tungggguuuuuu

Buat sume ibu di dunia, Selamat Hari Ibu. Utk mak yang tersayang, yang telah melahirkn dan membesarkn saya sepanjang saya di bawah tangggungan mak, terima kasih di atas segala-galanya. Budi mak tak mungkin dapat dibalas dgn wang ringgit. I could tell the hard times you had to go thru to have me, and the countless sleepless nights that you had to put up with just to attend to me. I realized it now since I’ve got my own sons to attend to and worry about. Once again, terima kasih mak. Sayang mak...

Nuisance vs. Pain in the 'arse'

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about ME. Someone very close to me had recently labeled me as nothing but a pain in the ‘arse’. Is that what I really am? Nothing but a great nuisance and pain in the ass? Is that how I am perceived by some people? Nothing but a pain in the ass? Sometimes I simply buy what ever some people think or say about me just to cut short the argument.

I guess there are even times when I think that what people say about me is true. May be I’m one BIG pain in the ass. May be that is the closest thing that resembles or represents me. May be that is the main reason why I don't have my own circle of friends, cause everybody would jump and say I'm such a nuisance in their lives. What if it is true that I aint nothing but a nuisance? How should I keep on living knowing the fact that I'm nothing but a pain..........?

p/s: SOS. I aint okay.

Biarlah rahsia

I've been crazy over this song from Siti Nurhaliza. It somehow speaks for me...

Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika
Berada di tempatku
Membayangkan pahit manis berlalu
Entah siapa yang tahu

Mungkin nanti kau jua merasakan
Berdepan dengan kata menyesakkan
Takkan tugumu kebal
Tiada pertimbangan

(Korus)
Keheningan malam membangunkan
Kepayahan jiwa meluahkan
Andai kau jujur memahami
Tiadaku menjauhi
Dan kisahku yang masih panjang
Menambahkan berat yang memandang
Lantas ku pendam
Ku putuskan biarlah rahsia

(Bridge)
Semakin aku hidup dalam cinta
Tiada kuasa mampu menghalangnya
Hentikan kata-kata
Bertulangkan dusta

(Ulang korus)
Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika
Berada di tempatku

p/s: I guess I'l be carrying the burden of this 'secret' till the end of my life

L.O.V.E

I’ve been in love with this song by Ashlee Simpson ever since I heard it over the radio. What exactly love is? What does it mean? How does it affect or impact someone’s life? Believe it or not, every living creature needs love. Love is a very universal subject; you don’t need to be an expert or knowledge worker to fall in love or to feel love. You don’t even have to be a genius to figure out if your closed friend is in love. You could easily feel the breeze of love when your best friend talks about that special someone in his or her love.

Mind the so mushy, goofy or corny feeling you feel when you read this entry. Call me romantic or sentimental or what ever, but hey why should I give a damn about what others think of my blog. This blog is mine, it’s up to me to color it or shape it or lead it the way I want it.

Back to our main topic, L.O.V.E. Personally, I think love is such a wonderful feeling. The feeling that you have towards the people that you care for, the emotional attachment that you have for that so-called special someone or even for yourself and most important towards God. We should all be thankful and grateful to God for creating this special emotion that we have towards other living creatures.

I’ve always believed that love could do a lot of miracles and wonders in our life. It could somehow, lift up one’s spirit, light up one’s life, and ease one’s misery. It actually creates a feeling of comfort knowing that there’s somebody out there who cares for you and that you are still important in his or her life. I guess these are some of the many reasons why I have so much love for all my loved ones. In one way or the other, their existence in my life helps me go through the obstacles of life, peacefully. So to those of you who haven't found love, go find one, it may not always be love for your opposite gender but anyone close to you.

p/s: syg, love is in the air... can you feel it?

SEMUSIM

Skang tgh suke dgr lagu Semusim, versi Zahid AF2. Suke giler...

SEMUSIM
semuanya tlah terjadi
cintaku telah pergidan kini kusendiri
tanpa dirimu lagi
tak mudah menepis cerita indah

Reff:
semusim tlah kulalui
tlah kulewati tanpa dirimu
tetapi bayang wajahmu
masih tersimpan dihati

tak pernah kubayangkan
kau putuskan cintaku.
ku coba tuk lupakan
semua tentang dirimu

tak mudah bagiku melupakan mu

Wonders of my life

I’ve just noticed that none of my entry in this blog of mine has got a little something written about the two wonders of my life. Well, for this entry, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to write about my two wonderful boys. Well, it’s more about the eldest, to be exact.

I’ve just realised that I’ve been such a jerk for the past few weeks since my last entry. I didn’t only break my own heart but also the heart of those who love me. I’ve also noticed that I’ve never written much on the two wonders of my life; my two sons. In conjunction with my eldest son’s 5th birthday which is in the middle of March, I’m gonna write a little something about him.

He was born about five years ago when I was in the midst of finishing my final project and thesis. I decided to call him Han cause I kinda like the name ever since the first few months of pregnancy. It wasn’t that easy for me and my hubby to bring up our first child. Both of us had to sacrifice our desires and wants just to raise Han in the best way that we could afford. I won’t reveal all the rough and tough times that we went through in his upbringing, it’ll only make me cry everytime I recall those moments.

Long story short, our little Han has started school (kindergarten to be exact) since January ’06 and he’s catching up really fast in class. One specialty that I think Han possesses over his schoolmates is, Han can write with his both his left and right hands. Before he started schooling, my hubby and I were fully aware that Han is left-handed. We’d never trained or forced him in anyway to use his right hand. It wasn’t that easy though for a right-handed mama to teach a left-handed son to hold the pencil and teach him his ABCs. Now that Han’s in school, he uses both his left and right hands to write his ABCs or draw his favourite choo choo train, but his left-handedness is still prominent and dominant than his right.

My handsome Han is reliable and accountable. You see, I had my youngest son, Nine, when Han was about 22 months old. It was quite a small gap between my two boys. From the very 1st day of pregnancy, Han had shown signs of love towards his younger brother. Now that Han is almost 5 and Nine is 3 years, their brotherhood is growing stronger. Han is very close to Nine and they spend more time with each other than they do with either me or my hubby. It’s such a joy to watch their strong bonding. Han is always there for his brother, Nine. He’s much better at soothing his brother than I do.

From the way they interact and talk to each other, I could tell that they are very close to one another. They have very similar interest. I guess maybe Nine is trying as much as possible to emulate his brother. I’m very proud of my sons. I pray hard for them to achieve what they want in life.

Spilt milk...

I once heard people said that the best way to learn a lesson is the hard way. I never believe in that crap till the day I learn it for myself. I must admit that it wasn’t my first experience yet I fail to recall it. I kept asking myself when would I learn not to repeat the same mistake over and over again. May be I just don’t have luck in friendship. May be I don’t belong to any group within the society. May be I was meant to spend the rest of my life crying over spilt milk.

Remember how I wish that I could unwind the clock, and undo those tragic moments of my life? I kept wishing that someday some evil genius would be able to invent the time travel machine so I could turn back time. If that ever become a reality, I have a long list of things that I’d like to be undone. I’d begin with my first few years of my secondary education, then I’d correct those steps I took when I was an undergraduate. Some people may perceive me as a dreamer, I guess they are right for once about me. I’m such a dreamer that I used to day-dream of being a fairy princess after reading a whole lot of fairy tales. I remember once I read a novel entitled, ‘knight in shining armor’, once I was done reading the book, I wish that someday if something really bad ever happen to me, a knight in shining armor would come to the rescue.

Let’s face the music, none of that would ever happen. A dream is just a dream. Sometimes, there are certain things in our life which are beyond our control. But there are also a number of things that are within our control for instance, making decision over a few options. We could analyse the pros and cons of a decision that we’re about to make, but in reality we could never really know if it would turn out the way we wished it would be.

I’m not really sure where is this entry leading, but one thing that I know for sure is that I was badly hurt recently. After the incident I felt like I’d lost half of my soul, and there was such a huge hollow inside me. I didn’t know for sure why the impact was really deep this time around. I guess next time, I’ve to be more careful with my words, I’ve got to think more than twice before I blurted them out. The only problem is that I find it hard to conceal what I was thinking. May be I’ve to learn to control my frankness or I’ll hurt more people and the person that I’ll be hurting most is myself.

IMAGINE

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writen by: John Lennon

Life, unjust and unfair

Early this morning as I was driving home from my hubby’s office, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of my fates of life, what had happened to me through out my 27 years of living. I couldn’t stop judging how unfair, unjust and cruel the world had been to me. I must admit that I feel envy of those who get the pleasure of enjoying the things that I couldn’t afford to do. For instance, I’v just discovered that a friend of mine who flunked his SPM is now in France for a four-year course, sent by the government to study on the water thingy. Could you imagine someone who didn’t get good school exam results could afford not to just go abroad but also stay there for up to 4 years. What ever happened to those who got better results? Yeah, they got offer to further their studies at local university but does the offer help them to secure a better job? This friend of mine who’s now in France is earning 1500 euro per month allowance. What about the so-called excel students? The best salary offer that they’ll get once they graduated is RM3k. Isn’t life unfair and unjust? I must admit that it’s up to God’s will, but I just couldn’t stop myself from judging life as cruel.

Not to mention, the renowned singer, Siti Nurhaliza. She flunked her SPM paper, but just take a look at where she is now. She’s travelling all over the world with her very minimal English speaking skill. Could you imagine how bad her English is? She couldn’t even differentiate between dimple and nipple – that’s how bad she is at English yet she had performed in the infamous Royal Albert Hall, London. I wouldn’t brag and say that my SPM was good, but at least I got 6As and got selected to join the crème of the cream programme. Where did I end-up? I could clearly recall someone telling me that education is vital, how it could change one’s fate and they keep saying that your future lies in your education. I used to believe in those craps, but now that I’ve grown up, I’v better judgement of life. My dad used to stress on the importance of mastering the English language, but does mastering the language get me anywhere abroad? Nope, it hasn’t got me anywhere but job-hopping ever since I graduated due to the advantage that I have over other Malay candidates.

I couldn’t help but wonder how do we measure one’s achievement? Living in the world where monetary power conquers, we should all admit that we tend to measure one’s achievement through their material belongings. We are all becoming more and more materialistic since that’s what the world has thought us for survival, money. Like it or not, we’re all becoming slaves of money. We’d do anything for the sake of MONEY. There are even people in our society who would kill for money. Most of us didn’t even realise that they’ve been conquered by their greed to get more and more MONEY. What value does money have? Come to think of it, it’s just a piece of paper with some notes on it, yet we’re all chasing it like maniacs. GOD, when will this madness for MONEY be stopped?

Facts of life

Since the last few months, I noticed something really peculiar in my neighborhood. Each morning, there’s this elderly chinese couple who would go around my residential area on their ‘basikal tua’, digging into each household’s garbage bin, searching for recyclable rubbish. They’d arrange those recyclables that they managed to find on the ‘basikal tua’ at a stop before heading to the next garbage bin. Looking at their determination of performing their daily routine to win some bread and butter, I can’t help but wonder, don’t this elderly lady and her man have children or at least relatives that they could turn to, to seek for helping hands that could at least ease their burden? Could this be a new trend set by the youngsters, who don’t seem to give a damn about the elders in the society? Are our younger generations lack of ‘adab’ and ‘nilai-nilai murni’? Could it be that our society has evolved with the rapid technological advancements that each member of the society has become more self-centred, selfish, and insensitive of their surrounding?

I must admit that I’m amazed by the elderly couple’s determination despite their decaying strengths to gain their hard-earned money. I mean, they could have registered or signed up for the charity thingy held. Instead, this loving couple chose the hard way to win their bread and butter. I salute their effort of upholding their pride and dignity. I guess they’d rather starve than beg for food from others. I just don’t understand why would a number of people within our society (it’s really ashamed to admit that most of them are Malays) would let their pride and dignity down the drain just to earn fast, big, easy money. There are quite a number of beggars at the night market within my residential area, and I’m so embarrassed to find a normal, healthy looking lady in her 30s cradling her baby sitting in the middle of pathway, begging for money. Why couldn’t she think of other ways to earn money for her child? She’s young and healthy. Begging isn’t the best solution to feed her child.

When a couple of elders chose to dig into garbage bin as their main source of income, some young men chose to snatch ladies’ handbags instead. Whatever happened to our generations? Don’t they feel ashamed to learn that the elderly couple would go into the hassle of digging into smelly household disposables in order to collect the recyclables? These old folks should be resting at home, spending their time with their family and not in the streets, collecting recyclables trash. In contrast, the young men would go round the streets aiming for their next snatch victims that worth from RM50-3,000. Is that the price of their pride and dignity? Pride and dignity are two things that money can’t buy, but I guess maybe time has changed the value of the two.

Does this mean that I’m too old to adapt and cope with these changes? I know I’m growing older (hopefully more wiser too) but I’m sure that the value of pride and dignity shouldn’t decay with time. It should stay intact no matter what era where are in.

I'm not f**king OK

This song has been playing in my head for all day long. Must be becoz I ain't feelin' okay today

I'm not okay - my chemical romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say
I never want to let you down or have you go
It's better off this way
For all the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
Remember when you broke your foot
From jumping out the second floor
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again
You sing the words but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you'd read me like a book
But the pages are all torn and frayed
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay
(Trust me)
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

*that bloody ass kisser is making my work-life sucks